My humble 21st birthday

I became an adult officially on 12July 2010,
which is about 2 days ago.

Though I never hold any grand parties or receive very expensive gifts,
I feel very contented. You know that you friends are there.

I think this is enough.I couldn't ask for more.

Had a simple dinner with my poly friends at Yi Min father's store on saturday.

Another simple dinner at home with Sis and Mum, sis is leaving for UK.

It will be her farewell dinner. I visited night safari for the first time in my 21 years.

Kind of dark, cannot really see much animals, but it's quite enjoyable coz it makes me feel like a tourist!I love being a tourist(sometimes)

On my birthday itself, i went to my dear NTU for body check out.
And mybody check out is not completed due to some issue, which means I have go back again.

Saw Alaric in school, sothat the very boring check out turn out to be not so boring.

Met Yu Lin for lunch, we are like two elderly, trying to make a recount of the past.

Caught triple tap in Cinema at night, Daniel Wu makes my day!

Actually I really feel very loved. I have read on the forum, some people have no or only friends.I feel quite sad for them. What is the meaning of life without friends?

I am so fortunate that there are always friends around to give me all kind of support.

All this while, I am able to find friends who are true and genuine no matter where I go.

Secondary School, Poly, BA society,Internship, my current work place and even my swimming class.

Thank god for giving me so many wonderful friends. I am really greatful.

Maybe it's really true that your attitude decides your altitude in life.

I shall be more optimistic in future.

1 more week to end of work and I am going for camp soon!

After which, I am going to be embark on my journey of being a backpacker!

I love this dazzling life.

My first post as an adult

I am officially an adult now.
Happy birthday to myself!

I dunno if I should feel sad or happy.
The few people who have wished me happy birthday are the people that I don't really know well.
Anyway I should enjoy this big day.
It doesn't always happen.

Woke up with a shocking news.
Actually it's not exactly shocking, it's just unexpected.
Germany lost the match to Spain just as the Octopus has predicted.
Screw the Octopus, I am going eat lots of Takopachi.
Let's see who the winner is.


I think my luck is really bad nowadays, perhaps I should buy a crystal charm.
Purple?Or Pink or maybe a combination of all, so that all area will be blessed.
I am so supersitious nowadays.


About one more month to my trip.
I am so excited about it.
Cannot wait for the day to come.
At the same time, I feel like going to HK.
It will be wonderful to spend new year and count down at such a vibrant city,
is it?
If I can find a good job after uni starts, then my plan can come true.


After talking to Alice yesterday,I got more in depth understanding about private banking&priority banking.
Part of me want to be in this industry and aiming on the wallstreet;
while the other part of me want to be free and easy, travel around the world.
It's impossible to get the best of both world.
Never mind, i still got 3 years to consider.

Cannot wait for saturday, I am going to taste nice Taiwan food!
Hopefully that i can win airticket to Taipei.

I am quite happy that actually some of my friends are still reading my blog despite it being so pessimistic.
Somehow I am rather touched to know that my friends actually emailed the school counselor
after seeing my depressed post long time ago.
At least I know that I still have friends that cares.





A lot of things are hard to say it out, especially for people like.
Many will not believe it, but I am an introvert or
I am becoming more and more introvert.
The problems are still there even if I say it out.
The finanical problem is always haunting me every now and then.
I am already 21 and my mum is getting old.
There is no way for me to continue to take money from her,
instead I should be giving her money, pampering her, making up her lost youth.
But how I am going to do it?
Uni fees, living expenses and of course expenses to support my dream.
Seriously I have no idea.


That's why I cannot be like other kids, do whatever they want without much consideration.
I want to be fully devoted to something,
for example, like salsa dance ,singing and travelling
but my finanical situation doesn't allow me to do it.
There isn't always a choice to choose in life.

My 21st birthday is in a few days times.
I have no idea about how to celebrate it.
People either hold a big party or celebrate with their loved ones.
I have no $$, no boyfriend, so maybe no celebration for me.

可能我运气不好吧，怪谁呢？

Life is a game,
some people play it the dangerous way,
some people play it the safer way.
But the outcome really don't depend on you.
Sometimes your moral values just got confused.
The line between right or wrong is just so blurred.

There are things you want to do,
yet you cannot do anything.
When you tried to do something,
then you realized you have tried too hard and there is not outcome.

Forget it.
I shall stop looking up and start to look down.
Tomorrow is a better day.

Sometimes I am really confused about myself.
Nowadays I seem focus too much on career, future and money.
All I want is fame, glamour and so called success.
I have ignored the most basic things such as happiess.
Where to find simplicity?
Where to find happiess?

有些人想要躲着你，
你怎么找也找不到。
有些时候我贱，
人家都不想见你，
你还在想什么。
醒醒，好不好。
不然你再继续下去就老了。

Update about my life.

Perhaps your thinking really decides how your life is.
I have been quite depressed over the past few weeks.
Actually there is no valid reason for me to be so depressed.
All the people around me, including my friends are all quite nice to me.
Though my work is boring,
but apprarently a lot other people are doing same kind of boring job.
My managers and colleague are all quite nice though we don't really talk.
And there is cute guys in the office that I can look at everyday.
So what is there to complain about?

Had fun yesterday with Jacinth and Shu Hua.
I miss the old internship days.
All the laughters and gossips.
I shall go back and visit my company sometimes soon.

Bestie is coming back on friday.
Looking forward to parties with Bestie.
I cannot wait for uni to start.
We will be in the same school again,
and we will also be graduating from Uni together if there is no misnap.

Who cares about people that never appreciates your kindness?
Life is still beautiful without them.

Bottle neck of my life

It's going to be another depressed post.
Anyway I am always a very dark person.
Colourful posts are not my forte.
I am always trapped in the shadow of my past and worries of my tomorrow.

Can I stop worrying?
Can I stop workhard?
I cannot.
If I don't work hard, I have nothing to fall back on.

I always thought that one decides his/her own fate.
Now I realized that it's not so true.
God decides who you are and what kind of life you are leading.
I hate this.
I hate working so hard.
I hate pretend to be strong.
But it's not you have a choice for everything.
You still have accept your destiny.

Sometimes i cannot even differetiate between fake happiess or real happiness.
Coz most the times I am not happy.
I am smiling for the sake of smiling.
I don't know how does being happy feel like.
Anyway my life is cheap.
Every year I have no idea whether I will live until the next birthday or not.
So it doesn't really matter if I am happy or not.
Cheap life don't really have much demand about life.

When you are younger, you got amazed by idol drama.
When you grow up, you realized all this are just fantasies.
Fantasies about life.
There won't be an angel even when you feel so helpless.
All you have is only youself.

Forget it.
I have this kind of fate.
What else can I ask for my life?
Everyday is just one more day.

My bad mood is still here after so many weeks.
It seems no matter what I do,
I still feel bored and unhappy.
Work is making me depressed.
My job is really too simply and boring.
Now my only entertainment in the office is to peek at Mr Cute and trying to hide away from Mr Serious,who always pop out behind my back and give me task to do.
I am losing my all senses.
Perhaps I am suffering from hormone inbalance?

I feel like going to club.
Maybe getting drink is the only way to forget all the troubles in life.

钻石

有些人身上有一种东西，
我却没有。
这种东西叫做美好。
美好得让人觉得幸福。

这种东西我想得也得我到。
谁不想要让自己过得幸福呢？
可是很多时候多需要一些运气吧。
可能我真的没那个命。
有时候觉得我妈真的是个好女人，
可是呢，过得还是那么辛苦。
可能我跟她的命一样吧，
或者我连她的命都不如吧。


我世故我複雜
她是無價的鑽石阿
我是不值錢的砂
她是鑽石我是砂

我真的很喜欢这首歌。
因为自己怎么努力，
也不过是沙。
怎么能比得上钻石呢。
人，有时候真的要任命。

命运不会对我那么友善的，
他总是会先给我一点甜头，
然后再把我所拥有的全部都带走。

I think for the past few years,
I have lost myself.
I forgot who I am and what I really want.
I ignored what my heart tells me to do.
I was doing things merely following the world.

Slowly I am going to find myself back.
So what if the whole world is doing something else?
So what if I am being different from the rest?
As long as I am happy,
nothing really matter that much.

Tired

I feel tired.
I need a get away soon.
Please get all this negative spirit off me!
But I just cannot adjust myself back to the happy mood.

Let me sleep with a tomorrow that will never come.

Loneliness can make a person sick.
I think I am mentally sick now.

看了泡沫之夏，心里有一种痛的感觉。
好久都没有看偶像剧而被感动了。
真的觉得大Ｓ很不错，
漂亮，有个性。
这样的女生真的很吸引人吧。

觉得我这个人真的太爱幻想，
真的不现实。
有哪一天我能放下幻想，现实一点呢？

Some people are just rude

Some people are just rude.
There is a limit to everything.
It's not every joke is funny.
some are quite hurtful.

Can someone tell me who is a friend and who is not?

A present for myself

I have prepared the best birthday present for myself for my 21st birthday.
I will be going for a 2 weeks backpack trip across South East Asia in August.
It's not just about the trip.
it's about taking charge of your own life.
Finally that I have a say in my own life
and I decide the direction that I want to go.

Bless me to have a safe and fun trip.
May I meet a lot of fun loving and interesting people along the way.
I cannot thank God enough for this wonderful opportunity.

Sometimes you really have to decide for your own life.
I cannot feel more contented.

Grad day

Finally i have graduated.
Does it marks the ending or beginning?
For many things,it marks the end;
But for many other things,i am really not sure.
who knows what is going to happen in future.

Some thoughts for life.Let's say you are only given choice A and B,Choice A is a tougher road.You know it's going to be tough and tried its toughness,plus the return is much less.
Choice B is definitely easier than A.It's a much smoother road and you can deprive temporary or mayb long term happiness.
There is no other choices beside staying out of the game.And you feel like trying out either choice A or B.Forget to mention,choice B is somehow against your usual belief and you don't know what will happen if you take that path.
So which choice will you choose?
It's a tough question,slowly one will find her answer.
I suddenly thought of the movie an education,wondering if it's positively correlated to the situation or otherwise.

Mixed kind of feeling.Confusion+more confusion.
Hopefully it will get clear soon.

我真的很想去找你，
只是我没有勇气。

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Nowadays i get frustrated easily,
feel lonely very often,
lost interest in almost everything i do
and i don't feel happy.
What is wrong with me?
Can someone tell me?
I think i won't cope with it for long if it persist.
God, i really your help.

I shall be crazy for once

I shall be crazy for once.
Take the risk and just do it.
Not going to care about anything else.

In the mood for holiday

I am in the mood for holiday.
Going to Phuket this sunday.
Well.I have been going for holidays for the past two weeks.
I went Malacca on 8-9 May,
then I went to JB last sat.
It seems every weekend is a holiday.

And I am planning for another holiday in July,
most likely somewhere around my birthday.
Ya..My 21st birthday is coming in less than 2 month's time.
I am going to be 21, yet still single..
Perhaps I can write a book in future,
title being "The memoir of the spinster".

It seems that my blog has some overseas reader.
Thanks for browing through my blog.
Please leave a comment after you have browse through.
I will love to hear more voices in my life.

Everyday is a new day.
I look forward to every other day.

I feel bored about my life

Somehow i just feel bored about my life.
Another two more months of boring work.
Some people sold them soul over money,i guess tat i am becoming one of them,but i have no choice.
Can i have some interesting to do?
Can i meet someone interesting?
Another day of boredom begins.

My life seems boring at the moment.
If I write it as a book,
it will definitely turn people off.
What is happening to me?

Where to find the cure to boredom?
Perhaps I have focused on the wrong things all along.
Did I chose the wrong path?
I really have no idea.

I feel lost.
I need some advice.
God, please guide me and show me the light.

I want the sunny me back.
Not the emo kid with distorted thinking.

Me and money

More than one friend has said tat i look very hungry for money.
In fact, I am hunger for money.
My situation doesn't allow me to be so care free as many others.
I can only lead a decent life with my hardwork.
how i wish tat one day when i wake up,i dun have to worry about my living expenses and other fees.
Not really possible now,esp when i still have to care about my mother's old age.
Of course,money can't grant u happiness.But without money,i can never be happy.
I wish someday tat i can stop worrying about money concern,live for my dreams.

Some people just walk in and out of your life like nobody's business.
Their behaviours are more unpredictable than whether forecast.

I am really sick of this life.
Nothing is changing.
For year and years.
The older I grow,
the more worries I have.
How I wish that I can escape from all this nonsense?
Leave this crazy world.
Perhaps that's one of my choice.

My blog is filled with dark post.
I don't born to behave like this,
it's life that changes me.
Sometimes I feel really hopeless and helpless.
Nobody understand my world.
Friends is somehow a superficial word to use.
Of course, I don't care to understand other people's world too.
I don't bother to care so much nowadays.
Who knows how long will I leave?
Maybe this post will be the last.

我真的很努力的在生活，
难道都没人看得到吗？
我好想好想飞，
逃离这个疯狂世界。

Yesterday i went to see chinese sinseh.The sinseh said i am suffering from hormone imbalance. So i went online to check for the causes.
one of the main cause is stress.
Clearly she doesn't know anything about it and it won't make a difference even if she knows about it.
Sometimes i am just wondering why there isn't another one in the family,why am the only one shoulders everything.Life is so tiring,Even breathing seems so hard
When i want to think of something happy yesterday night,it seems i can't.There isn't anything tat makes me happy now.I have lost the ability to be happy.
I am trapped in the depressed emotion again,yet i can't escape coz the reality is so hard and bare.

好多时候，我都在问自己，
我是一个怎样的人。
其实我真的搞不懂。
想做的事情和正在做的事情差好多。
每一天都在为了生活挣扎。
难道我就不能轻松些？

如果我能改变写什么，
我真的希望能让自己有个家，
有个爸爸妈妈的家。
可能就是因为没有一个完整的家，
我才这么缺少安全感，
对世界都不相信。

我也希望自己能名正言顺的懦弱，
不用一直都假装坚强。
最后一次流眼泪，
好像是在巴士车上，
听着寂寞光年的时候。
如果我能让时间到转，
我也不希望自己经历过那么多，
我只希望自己能好好的简单的活一次，
不用在暴风雨里挣扎。

可惜我不能，
人生没有那么多的选择，
人生也没那么重头再来。
错了，还是不开心的，
都没办法改变。
只是勉强的活下去。
我现在的生活只是一种勉强。
关于勉强到什么时候，
我也不知道。

从以前到现在，
我最想得到的礼物，
不过就是幸福。

Rainy days

It's raining again.
Raining days often make people depressed.
Out of a sudden,
I was suddenly reminded that my 21st birthday is coming up in 3 months times.
Then I started to imagine how will I celebrate my birthday.
Will I be happy?
Will I feel lonely?
Will I?
So many question marks in my head.

After graduation, friends start to lose contact.
From friends to Acquaintance, maybe even strangers.
People just come and go.
Perhaps this is life.
You cannot change it,
then you have to get used to it.

Wrong decision

Made a wrong decision.
Now I am suffering from this painful mistake.
I will let it go if I cannot hold on to it anymore.
Hopefully tmr is a better day.

If I can get drunk one day.

I just realized that I am always too timid.
Too timid to do anything.
If I can get drunk one day,
I will definitely speak out all my secrets
and all the hidden message that I want to convey.
It doesn't feel good to keep those things inside for long.

唯一

就算听到唯一，我也没有感觉了。

脾气差的我。

我脾气好差，一点点小事就生气。
好讨厌脾气差的自己，这样下去迟早没朋友。
可是我有控制不住，总不能向不爽也不说吧。

There's unlimited wants.
However, the resouce is scarce.
You will be happier if you don't asked too much.
Another reminder to myself.

F my life

Fuck you!
Sorry I cannot help but being vulgar.
Can you fucking stop talking about money?
Is that all we can talk about?

Why not let me go and become prostitute?
You can get all you want!
I can return u all the debts owing!
No money, no money, forever no money.
How much money do you want?
Fuck.

I seriously hate this home now.
I have no father, no mother.
Fuck my life!

I am a loser.
没亲情，没爱情，好像只剩下友情。

Don't take things for granted

Things are more precious when they are lost.
Most of us just take things for granted.
Family,friends or even the air that we breath.
We never know how important they are until they are gone.
That's human nature.

Sometimes when i gaze at the sky,
sometimes when i stare into space,
sometimes when i flip through my past,
I only realized one thing,
how many good ppl and opportunities i have missed out in my life.

I think i am getting old,tat's why i behave like an elderly,keep on talking about the past.But i am just sentimental.It's a bad habit hard to be changed.

Btw i think today I have just screwed up the test.Gone case.
如果时间能够倒转。

累了。

活的好累，不知道还有没有继续努力的力气。
每一天都好像是生命的最后一天。
好累，好寂寞，为什么在地图上找不到幸福？在厉害演戏，还是骗不了自己。
我可以放弃吗？

Finally

It's like finally that we have booked our tickets for holiday.
The thoughts about going for a holiday together has been emerging since year 1 or 2.
China, Maldive,Korea, Bangkok,Tioman and eventually Phuket.




I am sorry if I have caused some unhappiness.
All I want is for us to go for a holiday together and leave some beautiful memories behind.
I am still positive about going to Thailand though it may be a bit chaotic at the moment.
But I believe that things are going turn out to be fine,
we will have fun over there, is it?
God will bless us and protect us.

Received offer for NTU biz.
Really happy about it since it is the course I wanted.
But I began to worry about the finance part.
How to finance my school fees and living expenses in uni?
Kind of difficult.



A bit pissed off yesterday about some people.
Understood that you are concerned about us,
but please don't be a wet blanket and think that the whole world evovles around you.
Moral of the story,
my character is just too strong.
I cannot click with some people unless for socilizing purpose.






Sometimes I am really happy to have this bunch of friends,
for them to be so accommodating and tolerate my nonsense.
Though sometimes they bully me, they laugh at me, they quarrel with me,
but it adds flavours to life, is it?
Perhaps things will change after graduation.
But in my mind, nothing will change.
I am being sentimental again.

Anyway bless me for upcoming tuesday!
Hopefully I can make it through.

Feel like going to watch mayday's concert.
Anyone interested in going?
Implusive decision again.
I just like make decisions without plan,
let my soul just wonder around freely,
but it seems there are too much restrictions in life.
I am still lost in my world.

最近很爱的一首歌：没那么容易。
可能很多事情都没那么容易吧，容易得到的人就不懂得珍惜。
可能现在的我，没有办法为自己而活，因为有太多负担，没办法做一个完完全全的自己。不过，还是要抱着希望，坚持梦想。总会有那么一天奇迹会出现的。
If you give up hopes,then hope will give u on you too.

Friends

Every thing serves a suppose.
clothes is to keep you covered and warm;
food is to make you stay away from hunger;
It's just so hard to find something that can do everything.
just like it's hard to find friends tat u can do everything together.
unless you photocopy another yourself.
Perhaps i am really too anti social.How i wish to share the same traits as billions people do?
but i am born this way.
who to blame?
time to sleep and say hello to tuesday.

Memories

Yesterday marks an end to Qiang Mai.
Four years has been passed.
People gets older.
But memories will still be there.

I am not going to comment much about the event or my days in TXY.
Life got to move on.
I cannot live in the past forever.
One happy thing about yesterday is I saw Li Teng yesterday.
Actually he looks better in real person.
I never take any photo with him.
Don't want to make myself look like a crazy fan.

Sometimes I really feel inferior about myself,
Coz many of my friends are simply too good.
Aspiring photographers, song writers, journalist,
media personnel,scholars and etc.
It's kind of silly.
They are so good coz they have passion for whatever they are doing,
and they put a lot of efforts in what they do.
Why should I compare myself with other people?
Maybe I will be better after I found something that I truely like.
I will be better without all the burden on my shoulder.

Times to sleep.
Tomorrow is a better day.
Bless me.

迷失

很多时候，都在问自己一个问题，
我真正要的是什么?
找了好久，都找不到答案。
总以为自己很不错，
可是往往不然。
可能这就叫做自我感觉良好吧。

我一直都在想，
活这么大了，
不可能继续下去过一天算一天吧。
现在的我，
看不希望，
也看不到未来。

可能我一直都很讨厌吧，也没什么好的吧。
整个世界都知道，只有我自己不知道。
坚持努力的东西都是错的。
所以我和很多人连朋友都不是。
很想离那个世界靠近一点，
原来真的没办法。
聊天都那么困难了，
何况其他的呢。
如果能够倒带，
那一切会不会不一样呢？
就算不能改变什么，
有个机会把心里的话讲出来也好啊，
可是我连那个机会都没有。

为什么现实与梦想差那么多?
为什么没有一件我想得事情发生呢？
I am ok.
Always ok.

One last time

Perhaps this is my last time to blog in the office.
I guess they somehow blocked personal sites and social networking from today onwards.
No more entertainment for me.
It's better so that I won't be wasting time in doing those things.

Quite happy with the results.
It marks a good ending to my poly life.
Sad to say, time flys.
My 3 years in poly is coming to an end.
This 3 years is definitely a memorable experience.
My lovely poly friends,
my love and hate BA society,
my TDP experience,
my tiring but interesting internship.
Of course, there are some regrets.
About people,about grades, about things.
They make memory more memorable.

Recently I am been thinking a lot.
Maybe there is too much free time at work.
About my past, my present and my future.
I guess people about my age won't be spending so much time reflecting
Rarely anyone will behave in the way I do.

Hope tmr is a better day.

So what

I was very paranoid for the past two days.

There are so much things on my mind.

Uni, finance, my future and etc.

To the extent that I started to lose sleep.

Ignore the reasons which no Uni had called me yet.

Let's talk about the possibilty about me getting into a local U.

Getting into biz is kind of hard since the competition is so strong.

Even if you got into biz, which doesn't mean you will become a good biz man or woman.

So what is the point about getting biz school?

But what if I cannot get into biz?

what other course can I do?

And what if I cannot even get into U?

Am I prepared for the working world?

What makes me special from the others?

Thoughts influx into my mind like an endless river.

At some point of time, I am really lost.

I know that I think so much.

I know that I am making life difficult for myself.
I know many things about myself, yet I cannot change a single bit of them.

Sometimes I am really vulnerable.

原來我也是平凡人.

Where are you now?

Yesterday I had another quarrel with mum.
Perhaps the vast difference in our character is causing the problem.
Or perhaps we are really having serious communication problem.
Unhappiness in a marriage can be resolved by divorce,
but what about unhappiness in a family?
You cannot choose who are your parents,
you also cannot choose which family you are born into.

Somehow I just feel that there is like loads of lead on my shoulder,
it's too heavy for me to take it.
I cried in the middle of a park.
Then I realize that I have nobody to call,
nobody to talk to about all my problems.
In the end, I called my 13years primary school friend,
who is not even in Singapore.

Feel sad for myself.
How come I end up in this state?
Being sad, but have nobody by my side.
It's all my fault.
It's not there is no nice people around me.
There are,just that I let them go away from my life.

I am too scared of opening up myself.
I am too scared of revealing myself.
I am too scared of being hurt.
In the end, I lost too many things.

Somehow I just start to miss a lot of people.
Having them in my life is actually a bliss.
I am just praying for miracles to happen.
For something to brighten up my life.

The song that perfectly describe my mood.
Where are you now by High Honor Society.

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how,
how to live like I do
If it wasnt for you
I would never be who I am.
And I'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But thats just how it goes,
People change,
But I knowI wont forget you

Hello!The world!

Hello.Attention to the world.
Why is everyone getting invovled in relationship but not me?
I know I am fat, not so pretty, not so gentle, not good at flirting.
But there are people who are worse than me.
AND THEY ARE STILL ATTACHED!
What's the problem with me?
Can someone tell me?


The last relationship I had is when i was Sec 2 (Official data, not include those flings and status unknown).
I have wasted my youth for so many years.
As my age goes up, my net asset value goes down.
OMG.I don't want to end up as a old spinster.
Oh Jesus, find me a good man!

If you are my good friend,
you should have known what to do
and what I want for my birthday!
I will be super glad for your greatness
in saving me from ending up as an old spinster.

If you are feeling lonely,

you can contact me at 99912345.

I will be waiting for you.

Lol.See that's how bored I am at work.

I can wrote out such a toally nonsense post.

Yesterday's swimming class is fun.

Gonna go for swimming classes more often.

I am looking for love,

not so desperate as I mentioned above.

Looking forward to sat's MJ session.

What's wrong with me?

Sometimes I just become bad tempered,
Sometimes I just feel very depressed,
what's the problem with me?
Coz I am ageing?

Was looking at my secondary 1 friends FB.
It's interesting to see how people has changed.
Prettier,more matured and more complicated.
It's weird if they didn't change at all.
Perhaps when they are looking at my life,
they will make the same comment.

Have to book the tickets soon,
if not,then I can forget about going bangkok.
I am so attracted by the thoughts of travelling.
Perhaps I will take a year off travelling around after I paid off my uni debts.
Imaging of a year of freedom and excitment.

I started to feel more and more distant from them.
Perhaps it's my choice.
When I have decided to do that,
I have chosen this path.

I feel quite sad for myself,
Sad for the fact that I have not made any friends in poly.
Friends are people to make you feel good.
But I don't feel good most of the times.
Or rather I feel isolated recently.
Am I just too tired?

This holiday is not as good as the long holiday I had after Os.
Because I was younger then?
Too much expectation is never a good thing.
No expectation,then you won't feel anything..
It seems like I am trying too hard to be happy.
In the end,I tried too hard to pretend that I am happy.

I just want to find another me,
who share the same thoughts as I do.
But hardly there is any me around.
Perhaps all I can do is to pray and wish God can pull me through this phase.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't cha take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't cha love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

I had lunch alone today.
I went to Little India alone yesterday.
I jogged in the stadium alone the day before yesterday.
Nowadays I am doing more and more things alone.
Sounds quite sad,right?
But I guess it's part of growing up.
Being alone doesn't means being lonely.
It's just that you choose to have some time to spend with yourself,
get to know yourself better.
If you are feeling lonely even if you are in a group,
that's even sad.

I start to like suntec area.
It's so convenient and there are a lot of things you can do during lunch time.
Wondering around in Carrefour(Sampling free food),
window shopping at the shops around,
and people watching.
Perhaps that's why many are seduced by the charm of cosmopolitians.

I think I am a selfish person.
All I can think of is my happiness,my freedom,my life.
I never think of the people around me,
for example,my mum.
That's why God decide to punish me for my selfishness,
let me continue to be alone.

Looking forward to July.
My first backpack trip.

Work

It has been a week since I started working again.
Well, when you are free at home,then you want to find something to do.
But when you have something to do,then you feel like slacking at home.
Contradicting.
Though this job is much more relax than my internship,
I still miss my company and especially the people over there.
Another batch of intern is coming in soon.
Maybe they will forget about me soon.

Going to be 21 soon.
Wondering what kind of adult I want to be.
Rich,famous or happy and free?
In order to gain some,then you have to give up some.
Life is about striking a balance.

Not being too religious,
but I think it's good to believe in something.
Thank God for showing me the lights.
Without him,I will still be walking in the dark.

I think I should drop my stupid thoughts.
My one sided wishful thinking is not getting me anywhere.
Time to move on.
Hopefully I can get into NTU and start a fresh school life again.
Perhaps I may meet someone better.

my list of to do

There is 1001 things on my to do list.
1.Apply for SMU.
2.Apply for UPS,OCBC ,SGX ,NTU scholarship.(Lots of eassy to write).
3.Finish writing up my testimonial draft.
4.Celebrate birthday for A.
5.Celebrate birthday for B.
6.Sign up for swimming classes.
7.Go for rebonding.
8.Trying hard to lose weight.
9.Trying hard to earn more money.
10.Trying hard to look nice.

Too much things to do,
not in the mood to do.
It seems like growing up means more and more responsiblity,
thus more trouble and burden.
Why must we grow up?
Can we just be those happy little kids forever?
I am wishing for those happy little things to happen.

Somes I really think I am an alien to this world.
Having problems to mingle into the human world.
It's hard to find another alien in this world.
It's even harder to find another alien that speaks the same language as me.

Perhaps there is no graduatation trip.
Anyway we also cannot settle on a destination.
Good and bad.
At least I don't have to compromise my dreams.

Bless me.

Happy day

Today I had a happy day.
Interviewed for temp job@AIA in the morning,
Though I was rejected,but I did feel sad.
Coz I actually got another job.
3 Months contract with acceptable pay.

Lunched at Ikea alone.
But I don't feel lonely.
Instead I feel kind of cool.
Like I am some freelance writer or designer.

Bought mask and clothes online.
Shopping makes me happy.
Moral of the story,
even if you are ugly,fat,unwanted,
you still can be happy,
as long as you decided to be happy.

Angry

Sometimes U just feel like don't care.
Why should I always be Miss Nice when everyone else is Miss/Mr don't care?
Going for job interview tomorrow.
Hopefully I still have time to drop by changi businee park before going to Jimmy's house.
Bless me.

My not so happy Chinese New Year

I think everyone else's life is more interesting than mine.
Is my luck that bad?

I don't want another year with bad luck.

OMG.Singapore airline is having sales with their tickets.

Why can't they have sales at later part of the year?

For example,july.

By then I can save up enough $$,

and travel to the places I want.

Of course,Chinese new year.

I seriously hate this festival.

I have no relatives no visit.

Spent it like usual in the super boring way.

Sometimes I really wish that I am not a chinese,

so that I don't have to endure this festival.

Well.God of fortune,

please be kind to me since I am so pathetic,ok?

I am still confused.

Though I know that I have no hope.

My heart does not let go so easily.

Have to find a new job soon.

God bless me.

Stupid thoughts

Stupid thoughts keep on running throught my head.
My emotions is again out of control.

幸福

我们一直都在找，
找寻幸福这种东西。
一次又一次的恋爱，
不过希望能遇到幸福,
可是好多时候，幸福就在我们身边，
只是自己不经意，就跟它擦肩而过。

因为害怕受伤，
我都一直活在伪装出的坚强下。
因为害怕失望，
所以就不抱有希望。
好不容易，
在茫茫人丛中找到一个感觉对的人，
结果发现还是有缘无份。

很多东西我都不在乎，
什么年龄，
什么地位，
什么金钱，
只有有爱情，有幸福，
我可以放弃一切，
反正我一直都活在梦想中。

如果我们早一点认识，
如果我遇到他在别的地方，
如果我能对爱情，对自己都多一点自信，
如果对追求幸福再主动一些，
如果还有如果，
可能事情真的不一样。

可能幸福真的存在，只是我再一次错过。

Contradiction

Months ago, I was desperate for this day.
Now the days are drawn near,I feel so reluctant.
Yes.The day is the day that my internship ends.
Work is definitely not the part I will miss.
Most probably the people.

Life is about opportunity.
Sometimes you are just not fated with certain people and things.
Maybe if you have met some people earlier,
then things will be different.
Life is full of perhaps.
But most of the times perhaps doesn't happy.

Bless me all the best.
I wish things can turn out well.

Perhaps life is never fair.
For the past 21years, I struggle so hard to get myself a decent life.
Yet life has been pretty much the same.
Still a torture.
I tried so hard to smile,
I tried so hard to hide,
I tried almost everything else to make myself happy.
In the end I realize happiness can never belong to me.

Today I saw the tiny little newborn of my landlord family.
Today I saw how happy and warm that Yu Lin' family is.
It seems like family is the thing that I can never have.
Of course,I have imagine myself having a happy family a thousand times.
But in the reality I have nothing but a sick mother.

My strength has used up.
My courage has eased away.
I don't know how long can I continue with all the struggle in my life.

My lesson learnt through attachment

As time passes by, through every little thing that happens around us,
we learn our lesson.
Some of them are valuable,
some of them are crucial.

I really learnt a lot of things this few years.
BA Society, the 5th semester in school and then attachment.
Nevertheless, attachment taught me the most about life and work.
Attachment is a chance whereby you are forced to work with different of people,
tolerate their kind of personality and dealing with them.

I have seen a lot at work,
all type of people.
Good,bad and the not so good yet no so bad type.
Some people are nice to hang out with,
yet they are not so nice to work with.
And some of the people just cannot stand people who are performing better than them.
Again,add in some inmature thoughts.
I simply cannot stand some people from girl "elite" school.
Please..Good O level result doesn't mean anything.
I don't mug that much,
I still can outperform you.
Then what can you say about your IQ level?
God gave us one mouth and two ears for a reason.

Secondly, I have learnt that you have to be yourself.
It's easy to lost yourself.
When everyone else penalizes you or underestimate your value,
it does not mean your true value is low.
You have to believe in yourself.
There is only a fine line between sucking up and socialize.
Only you can get it clear.

Thirdly,friendship.
Friendship is not indispensable, but supplementary
You cannot really expect much from your friends.
As times go by, friends start to drift away.
I have been wanting to say this a thousand times,
but I kept it inside me without complaining to anyone.
The thoughts are haunting me.
So I decided to blog this out.
If you happen to see this,
then just take it or leave it.

I am not particularly happy with my poly friends.
Sometimes I am wondering am we just companions or are we friends?
Perhaps they have no choice as there is not many people to hang out with,
that's why they chose to me my friends.
Especially some.
Never mind,friends,love or relationship is all depend on fate.
Maybe I am just detestable, I don't have the fate to have such friends.
I don't contact you, you don't contact me.
Soon the contact is on yearly basis.
Then the contact is lost.
Everyone just carry on with their own life.
It's nor possible to have lots of good friends,
one good friend is better than a thousand friends.

I am not being negative.
Just being frank about life.
Tomorrow I am going to wondering around,
listen to my heart and my soul.
Wish me luck.

10 more days to unemployment.

About 10 more days to the end of attachment,including today.


Then I am out of a job.




But this time round I am no hurry into finding a job.
I think I should put aside sometime do something about my current condition.
As I was reading through the book rich dad, poor dad.
I was enlightened by the book.
One should not work for money,
if she can let money to work for her.

Many people work so hard and
work makes their life miserable.
At work, you can hear the complaints everyday.
Why should you let work kill your passion,your joy in life?

Haiz..Valentine's Day is coming.
I don't like this day.
Another single Valentine's day.
When can my love blossom?

Bless me all the best.

Hope?

Many times we found ourself lost in our world.
Then the question of is this what I really want pop out of our mind?
Those luckier ones have found their direction in life in the earlier stage of their life,
those confused ones(like me)spending their entire life figuring out the answer.
Again,I am lost.


Somehow I started to wonder what I really like?
And What I can do?
Do I like music?
Do I like drama?
Do I like writing?
Or Do I like money making?
I have a very vague answer.
That is I like them all.
But which I do like the most?
Sadly,I don't know.



Went for the NTU talk yesterday.
I started to worry about my admission into NTU.
Can I make it?
My results is on the borderline.
Do I really have better quality than the others?
Or I am just a day dreamer?

2 weeks left to the end of attachment.
Attachment actually made me have a clearer picture about life.
Many people compromise their dreams to exchange for a stable living.
Many people told me life is not just dreams,
it is about survivalhood.
If you cannot even control your own life,
then what can you control?


就这样过一天算一天，
人生就这样的过去了。


如果我是个不用长大的小孩，那么多好。
Wish me all the best for my NTU application.
I really hope to get into NBS.

Bought this book online.
I think the author's life is something I desired.
Life is about living your life for the sake of living,
it more like living for your dreams.

Wish me to find a job soon.
Then my plans can be executed.

Woman

I heard this sentence twice this week,
when I am complaining or rather stating the fact that I am being fat.
A guy will love you no matter how you look like.
From two women,
of different age.

Then I started to doubt about this problem.
Do all the woman believe this way?
Maybe I am not.
Or that is true love,
which I doubt many of us will experience in this life.

No matter,I cannot stand my figure now.
It's totally unacceptable.
Going to be more strict with myself.
I need to get a job soon,
so that I can save enough to go on a holiday before uni starts.
Bless me.

Camera

Visited audio house's factory outlet at bendemeer.
Loads of people are squeezing in the tidy little space.
I managed to bought my Lumix FS62 despite the crowd.
Now I have a camera with me,
it's time to save up to travel.


Caught the movie up in the air last night.
I simply love George Clooney's character in the movie.
Somebody who loves travelling,
refuse to settle down to live like a normal person.
I am just you with a virgina.(Quote from the movie)

Sometimes I feel really hopeless,
but I am not giving up on my dreams.
I shall start my risky adventure soon,
hope that my first pot of gold will come soon too.

Initially,I don't believe in marriage.
Then,I lose faith in love.
Now I don't even believe in friendship.
What else can you believe in this world.
Believe in nothing,
then lose nothing.

我真得看不到希望。
好像努力真的是没有用的。
人还是要任命的。

这么大了，
最爱的还是小丸子。
每一件小事，
都可以让她那么开心。
多希望我是个小孩，
像小丸子一样。

快乐

可能快乐其实很容易，
肚子饿得时候有东西吃，
下雨的时候有把雨伞，
这个道理很简单，
我却一直都不明白。


昨天我在跟sis聊天的时候才发现，
其实我真好像要的太多了。
所谓知足者长乐，
我就是不满足，
才会错过什么那么多的快乐。




就算能拥有全世界，
可是却失去快乐，
那样好像也没什么意义。
你不可能永远是第一名，
输了第一名，也不代表真的输了，
赢了第一名，也不代表真的赢了。

可能最重要的还是要开心。
成功也不过是为了快乐。
希望新的一年我能开心的度过。

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
-Helen Keller

Happy new year

Today is the first day of 2010,the start of a new year.
2009 is a memorable one.
Bamp,Cebu trip,BAOC 2009,attachment.
Everything is worthwhile to be remembered.
But now I have to put everything behind,
Coz it is 2010.
A new chapter of my life have to begin.

Had much fun last year end.
Celebrated Devonna's birthday,
then had my first beach count down party with my lovely friends in Sentosa.
I was really happy last night.
My dear Yu Rong was there,
so are my lovely poly friends.
It seems like the best count down party that I ever had.
The only bad thing is that my throat hurts now.
I think I screamed too much.

I have listed down my new year resolutions.
About 30 of them.
Hopefully I can achieve them, or at least most of them.
I am going to face 2010 with a smile.
No matter what is ahead of me.
Only when you believe in yourself,
then miracles will happen.

My christmas

I had a simple yet wonderful christmas.
Did not went to as many parties as I did last year,
however it is still a wonderful christmas.
Celebrated Christmas on 23rd in Joel's house.

Turkey and me.


Work in Process

Scandal being exposed.

Happy feet or Hong Kong feet.

Gift exchange to Feng jie,hope that she likes it.

Finally a photo of all of us.


Cannot believe that we had been celebrating christmas for 3 years already.
Last year@Kelly's house.

2007@unknown's condo.

Hopefully we can have the chance to celebrate christmas and other occasions together.

Dinner at 313@somerset on christmas is good.
Not just the food,but the companion.
Steamboat at Yu Rong's house on Christmas.
Haha..It sounds funny, but it's not that bad since we have not catch up with each other for so long.

I know sometimes I am lost,
about what kind of person should I be,
what type of friends should I hang out with,
what kind of life style should I lead,
which direction should I be heading to in future.
Now I feel much clearer.
At least I know what I want,not completely,but partially.
If you know what are you doing right now,
you don't have to follow anyone's model.
You only follow when you have no model of your own.

Bless me.

我还是那么的不现实，爱做梦。

坚持浪漫，自由，不平凡。

可能有一天，

我也会从梦里醒来，

接受现实的残酷的挑战。

Happy friday!

Friday is always the happiest in the week.
Despite many mistake I have made today,
I am so glad that today is friday and
I have met a group of wonderful friends.



Friends from altogether 7 countries,including me.
Friends from all different backgrounds, designer,japanese teacher,
exchange student,teacher wannabe,social worker,band player,interior designer.
And the most important thing is I feel so relax and happy to be with them.
Simple dinner at 313@somerset,
Christmas carol in front of Paragon,
tea time at Ochacha.
Even the train ride is enjoyable.

Once again,I start to doubt about my religion orientation.
God has always be in my mind.
I do pray sometimes.
But I am not sure am I really that into religion.
I don't want to lose those friendship because of my fickle minded behavior.


Christmas is coming.
I am so in love with christmas.
It's the best time of the year,
much better than Chinese new Year.
So many celebrations coming up.
From 22nd all the way to 25th,
it is ful of enjoyment.
Hopefully work is not affecting my holiday mood.

I want to be me.
Nobody,but me.
Bless me all the best.

Long Working Hour+$10 mission

For the past two days,
I have been cabbing home everyday.
Which means I stayed until super late everyday.
Supposely to knock off at 6,
I left the office at 12 yesterday and 1030 today.
So tiring.

Maybe that's how real life is going to be.
I guess it's a form of training.
God put us through test to become stronger.
That's how I try to convince myself.
No matter how hard it is,
I will still be strong and face all the difficulties with a smile.

I have been working on this $10 mission.
One week i can only spend $10.
It's quite effective.
I still left with 2 plus inside my wallet and tmr is friday.
Free coffee on tuesday,
free pizza on wednesday,
free noodle, soya bean milk, magnum and chocolate on thursday.
Wandering if anyone is giving me free things tomorrow.
haha.

I am craving for a holiday.

Sorry I am being negative again.

Yes.I am a pessimist.
That's something that I can never change,
unless I can change the way that life is.
My upbringing shapes the way that my life is.

I hate my life since the day that I was born.
I hate to be independent when being independent is part of your life long routine.
I hate acting optimistic when you know you are not.
I hate times when I feel so hopeless.

Yet I know I have to be strong.
What to do when you have such destiny?
All of us are just puppets of life.
Being manipulated uncontrolly.
Things are not under my control.

Maybe I won't be furthering my study
though it is like a dream from young.
Firstly monetary constraint,
secondly family problem.
Maybe I will be living alone from next Feb onwards.
I don't mind living alone.
Then I will find a job.
Perhaps a job that earns me like $1500 per month,
which will take forever to save up for a house.

Maybe I will be happier.
At least I am living for myself,
in the way that I wish life to be.
Not for anyone else.
Maybe I will never have a chance in acheveing my dream in this life.
It will only come true when I am in my dream.

爱情

到底什么是爱情呢？
我不知道，因为我从来都没拥有过。
以前的人，可以一生一世，
为了爱的人放弃一切。
现在的人，恋爱好想吃快熟面，添饱肚子就好了。
有华丽的外表，在加上甜言蜜语的包装，好像这就是爱吧。
这也难怪。
如果结果都一样，谁不希望另外的一半是漂亮的，身材好的，至少看起来也舒服。
时间久了，谁不希望有点新鲜感？就算再爱吃的东西，吃久了也想换换口味。
看到更好的，谁不想试试看？人都是很有上进心的。
热恋中的甜言蜜语到了失恋的时候就变成了谎话连篇。
结婚也不过是为了增加安全感而造成的麻烦。
真的还有爱吗？
可能吧，只是它永远都不属于我。

I am feeling very bad today.
Somehow i just feel like crying.
Work is like the drama.
Fighting,politics and hypocrisy.
I am wondering what type of the person should I be.It seems that good soul always end up in poor plight.
It seems like one must be good at boots licking or so call socializing in order to do well in the corporate world.

Maybe life is the same.
You treat people too well,
in the end you became the one who is being hurt.
也许我应该收起真正的面孔，
不再有话就说，
不再无畏的付出，
不再对别人好，
不再报有任何幻想。
这个世界好残忍，好现实。我不是三好，
没她那么的幸运。
可能我会变成金玲，
谁知道呢？

Still expecting some miracles to happen.

New perspective

When you change an angle, you will see things differently.
Of course,I am still the two sided me.
Sometimes sunny bright, sometimes stormy grey.
It does not stop me from seeing things in a new perspective.
N0 reason for making yourself unhappy.

Work is pretty ok now.
I started to get better with collegues.
Had lunch with my boss on friday.
He drove us to parkway parade.
haha..Free ride and free lunch.
Then the other interns bought donuts for us.
haha..It's free again.
Then my very funny Indian coll gave me some snacks coz I laughed at him.
haha..So I have free stuff for the entire day..

Dance lesson is fun.
More salsa dance this week.
Hopefully I can continue my passion in it.
And my fire does not die off so soon.

I want to go shopping.
I am becoming a shopholic.
Someone,please go shopping with me.
haha..

I am indulging myself in the world of drama.
Real life is full of imperfections.
Drama is the only things to satisfy your wishes.
So why break up your dreams as long as you are happy with it?

I am still dreaming of myself walking on 5th Ave,
Times Squares, Wall streets and Upper East side.
I may be giving it a miss now,
but it does not mean that I am giving it forever.
I will get it, just a matter of time.

Christmas is coming.
Santa,please give me better presents this year.

Today I didn't go to work.
Decided to give myself a break.
Seriously I feel very drain due to work.
Watching Korean Drama at home.
Indulge myself in fantasy.

I am very drama kind of person.
My imagination tend to go wild sometimes.

Maybe I will be good a story write if I continue to write.

But the problem is that I stopped writing for so long.

Now I don't know where to start.

One day holiday is not really enough.

Hope that my attachment will end soon.

I was sicked from Friday until today.
Dunno will I be ok tomorrow.
I think sickness is making my mind going to be sicked.
Again, I start to wonder about my position in life.
Yesterday when i was browsing through facebook,
I realized that one of my friend actually got in Uni of Penn.
Wow.Besides wowing, I don't know wat to say.
My life long dream that people can achieve like so easily.
The questions come again.
What do I really want?
What can I really do?

Salsa lesson later on.
At least it is something that I can look forward to each week.
Nowadays I really lose interest in almost everything.
What is wrong with me?

Christmas is coming in 1 month plus times.
Hopefully this year I will have a wonderful christmas.
My dream kind of christmas.

Had my first salsa lesson on sunday.
It is full of fun.
At least I can relax myself during the one hour.
And Salsa made me feel like a lady.haha.

One moment, I thought that I can fully enjoy my life,my youth.
The next moment, reality hits me.
I still have to struggle so much.
There is not a single day that I can stop worrying about such problems.
When is that day coming?

Tomorrow is a better day.
I will still face it with a smile no matter how hard it's going to be.