Sometimes I really think I am an alien,
I don't understand about the complexity of the world.
Or rather I like to magnify the matters too much.
I like to turn a small matter into problem,
a problem into disaster;

Many people think that I am too pessimistic.
It's just the way I am.
I know people like to hang out with friends who are lovely,
bubbly,outgoing,fun and many more.
Who like to befriend with a burden.
Life isn't a fairytale.
There is no kind hearted angel or prince charming walking around to save the world.
This world is full of selfish people,
who cares about the life of the others as long as he is happy.

I don't believe in love and marriage.
I don't want myself to lose faith in friendship too..
But it seems it's happening.
Love,marriage(or maybe friendship) are just holy craps.
Who said family environment have no impact on the child?

I just hate my life now.
It simply sucks.
How I wish that I can graduate really really fast?
And get out of this place soon.

天气好，天气坏。
很多事情看起来很简单，
其实很复杂。
漫无目的的过日子，
假装的快乐和充实。
火星人的世界，
星球之间的距离。
其实快乐真的不容易。
等一个奇迹，
不可能的可能。
可能也许或者假如，
今天就会变成昨天，
昨天就会变成最后一天。
窒息的感觉，
是不是象征了末日的临近？

我好想好想飞，
逃离这个疯狂的世界。

Back

While,over the weekends,I went for TDP huddle and MSA camp.
It's really a pity that both of them acutally clashes,
that's why I have to excuse myself from MSA camp.
Through the huddle,I learnt a lot of current affairs.
And more importantly,get to know more like minded friends.
Though the response paper is due next week,which means I have to do research over the week.
I really enjoy the whole experience.

It's just so easy and fun to mingle with people with similar mindset.
And I have found many like minded people there who shared the same view as me.
Hope to see them again in the next huddule.

MSA camp is finally over.
It's a good experience.
I didn't take any photo during the camp coz we are simply too busy.
We did manage to bond the MCs and SCOs together,
which definately achieve our camp objective.
A round of appulause to all the project heads.
Hui Kuoon,Tricia,Rebekah,Yi Min,Jonathan and me.

Expectations are set base on our own desire.
When expectations are not meet,we get disappointed.
Let's just get over all the unhappiness.
It's going to get better and better.
Unhappiness,sorrow and disappoitment is just a part of our life.
We got to live with it.
At least we got to share with one another together.
Problems are a good thing.Is it?
Finally we can talk about things so openly.

Many things just don't go according to your wish.

Totally Shocking

I went for jogging for the past two days.

It's a good feeling to jog in the nature park.

Smell scent of nature,

Feel the warmth of the forest,

Experience the feeling of freedom.

I enjoyed the feeling of running alone,

until I found out something shocking this morning.

A dead body is found in Bukit Batok Nature Park,

where I went for jogging.

Just some spectulations:

1.I may just run past the the corpse without realizing it.

2.I may saw the murderer without knowing it.

3.I may be the victim if I went to the other side of the park.

4.Something else may happen.

This is my 3rd encounter of the year.

First one is fire;

Second one is car accident;

Now it's murder case.

I should considered myself lucky,

escaped from all this fatal incidents.

Maybe I should go temple and pray hard for my safety.

Some people are simply irritating.

I cannot understand about their hunger for power.

Should I fight?

Should I let them off?

It's has been a week since school have restarted.
Nothing changes except my mood.
Well,conflicts starts to arise when there are different opinions.
Let's skip this portion.
Ignore all the unhappiness.


Ai Ping invited me and Shell to her house.
Well,it's has been long since we last met up.
Coz she went for serve trip for 2 weeks.
I think serve trip is really worth going.
By seeing all the pictures she have taken,
I realize it's a waste of not going.
If I have a chance,
I should go.
It's really going to change or rather purify your heart and soul.

Took a lot of ARTISTIC photos before heading to Shell's house.
Good chat and nice dinner at her house balcony.
No more fabulous words nor mushy sentences.
I just cannot imagine what will happen if she really go overseas.
Hope she can get into NUS,so that I can still see her around.


I just hope everything is over soon.
I can get out of this place as soon as possible.
Maybe I will be reluctant,maybe I will miss it.
But I really need some changes.
Some injection of new blood into my life

All this photos are taken by my handphone camera
How I wish I can have a better camera.

Things are not going well.
Not as what I have expected.
I am losing faith.
Losing the enthusiasm in everything.
My current mood isn't going to lead me anywhere.
I want changes.
I am setting myself in mental trauma once again.
God save me,no matter where and who you are.
I am weak now.
I really need some moral support.

For her.

Sometimes our life are wonderful.

We spend hell lots of money on getting ourselves fancifully dressed,

merry making with our friends,

money flows out like endless river.

But what about our parents?

Those who bring us up without a complaint.

I just rebonded my hair,

I just went to sentosa with my friends,

I just went to k box to sing my heart out.

Well,that's not the point.

I am doing all this to make myself happy.

But in the meanwhile, what is my mum doing?

She is working.

She is struggling with her illness.

She is suffering.

I am simply too selfish.

I am simply too childish.

She is an angel.

All this years I just take her for granted.

I always thought she was indebted of me,

that's why she is doing all this.

She gave birth to me,she gave life to me.

No matter how great am I,without her I won't be here;

She was seperated from my dad when i was merely 1;

She brought me up single handly;

She suffered all this hardship all coz of me.

Yet I am comparably useless.

Rebellious;

Lazy;

And even evil at times.

I know all this,

yet I am not doing anything.

I should have done something,

yet I did not do a single thing.

Portraying life is easy,

but we tend to miss out the background.

I have to work hard,

for me and for her.

Becoming Jane

I have read the book pride and prejudice once when I was young.
Back then,I have no idea why is it such a great creation,what is so good about Jane Austen.
Then i read again when I was second 2 if I am not wrong.
I am still too young to understand about Jane's irony and biting social commentary.
Until I watched the movie,Becoming Jane,I realized why it' such a great book.


Certainly,Jane Austen is one of the writer I admired.
Yes,nowadays more people are familiarize with J.K Rowling,Stephen King and etc.
Rarely people will read up on such novels like Pride and Prujudice.
We spent more time facing computer,doing homogenous things that almost the entire world is doing.
Who is concerned about how the world is becoming?



Everyone is getting more and more identical.
Wearing the same clothes,having the same taste,doing the same things and living their live in the same way.
We are just like mass production that came from the factory.
We always in persuit for limited edition branded stuff,
but what we do is so contradicting to what we want.

I didnt' do much things this holiday,
but this holiday makes me think of many things that I never thought before.
I want to be Jane Austen.I want to be like her.
Live the way of her wish,persuing the life of her dream.
Time to get myself motivated and work hard.

Keep the faith

Often,we are lack of faith.
This post got nothing to do with religion,
if there is,it will be related to Xingdanism only.
I have heard of stories,
I have forecasted of things happening,
I have prepared for the worst.

But sometime I just cannot stand the way that some people do things,
I am not a good worker,but i considered myself an efficient end effective one.
I just cannot help it,but set myself in deep wonder:
Did I make the right choice in the first place?
Is it worth it to give up X xxxx for this?

I know my determination will start to shake one day,
so I keep on reminding myself about it.
About the faith that I had.
If i gave up,I will be a loser again.
If i gave up, how am I going to face those angels who guided me along the way?
If i gave up,how am I going to answer to my heart?

Those problems are inevitable.
I got to be strong.
I got to have them overcomed.

Maybe I should really read some bible to study how Christians keep their faith.

Not just a day.

A day is just a day.
But sometimes a day is more than a day.
Finally got to meet up with Yu Rong today.
It has been ages since we last meet up.
How I miss the moments that we used to hang up with one another?
I know sometimes we are too busy,
but I will alway try to find time for all my precious friends.
You are still the most important person in my life.

I still have to work,
though I tried to work less.
My family is not rich,
and I hate to be dependent.
I work,so that I can support myself.
Something are just too hard to be understood.
付出得不到回报，
付出多了，人也会累的；
那么为什么要付出呢？
等天上掉一切下了就好了。

haha..Since I am pretty free at home,so i decided to change my blog skin again.
The previous blog skin is not really nice,I used to it coz I have no other alternatives.
Holiday is ending in 3 weeks' time,it's really fast.
At least faster than I thought.

Logen's idea about 31oct is really going to come true.
I cannot imagine that we spend so much time planning for this crazy thing.
Well,we can only be young for once.
It's not possible for you to do this kind of things when you are old.

Photos from yesterday's outing.


Nicole,Tricia,Rebacca,me and Mei Yi.

BA society. Sadly,not everyone is there.

I pushed away the Daiso stock count job,the person from kelly service is definately pissed with me.I think there is a high possibility I got black listed.
This holiday I pushed away a lot of jobs,which means a lot of money.
But at least I have a more relaxed holiday.
Just a few days ago,I just knew that I am a money chionger in one of my best friend's eyes.
I never thought of that until I saw it on her blog.
Compared to a money choinger,I will prefer to spend more time with my friends and family.
Maybe I am earning less now,but I am gaining more.

Looking forward to 2 oct.haha.

Well,I think my appeal won't be successful.
Nobody has responded me yet.
It's nothing significant,so I shouldn't be feeling too sad,right?

I made a fool of myself by wasting hours and hours on bus to East Coast park,
just to say happy birthday to Justis.
Then went to harbour front to meet the MCs for dinner.
It's our first dinner outside without having any meeting earlier.
Feel so good to hang out with them.
I really glad that I joined BA society in the first place.

I am glad that:
Ppl said I look nice today;
Ppl said that my voice is like singing,hope i won't like talking while singing;
Feng Jie and Co will miss me even if we are not in the same class.
Actually I am getting contented by little things in life.

Actually there are many things that I really want to know,
really curious about how it starts and how people think of it.
I think as one is getting old,one tend to see things from a wider perspective.
So what if you have the entire world?
You are still nothing in everyone's eyes.

Life isn't a fairytale.

Life isn't a fairy tale.There is no definate happy ending.
Retribution.
There's something called retribution.

I thought I can be same class as the others for the next sem,next next sem.
I really like to have their company.
It's a wonderful feeling.
But things do not always act according to your will.

I didn't got into TA28.
I got into TA25.
Initially I enrolled myself into TA28,
now I got kick out.


Maybe it's a good thing,
maybe it helps me to expand my social circle,
maybe it's...
I don't know how to convince myself.
Moral of the story,
I am always the unlucky one.

善有善报，恶有恶报；

Life is blissful if you think it is.

Only when you think life is blissful,
then your life is blissful.

I have been quite happy those few days.
Holiday is really enjoyable when you can basically do nothing everyday.
It's kind of wastful of your youth,
But I like it.
Imagine,
everyday you can wake up in the afternoon or even later,
you have no worries about study,about everything else.
All you have to do is watch drama, eat and watch drama again.
Heavenly feeling.

Of course,I don't do it everyday.
I also cannot afford to do it everyday.


Our ususual chilling out place.

I am a pizza designer.

Went to TCC on thus.
I was lost again.Countless time of me lost in the urban jungle.
After being lost in Shenton for 30 mins,I realize that TCC is just opposite of me.
So smart of me.
Chill and chit chat at TCC.It's really a comfortable place.
No wonder someone like the place so much.

Then we head to sketches at Roberson walk for dinner.
Pasta at sketches is nice as usual, as least according to my preference.
But it seems the portion is a bit small and it's not filling enough for the guys.
So we went Carrefour to buy Sushi.
See how much Sushi we have bought and it only cost us $9.(not $1).
By the way,I bought latern for the sake of celebrating moon cake festival.
But in the end,we never play at all coz it's simply too childish.

Don't snatch my sushi!

Eating sushi in process.

Sushi,Sushi.

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!

Yesterday i spent the whole night at airport.
Changi airport is really a great place to stay over at night.
u can have nice night scene,great food and also great games there.
Sent Horace,Sylvester,Wen jie and etc for ShangHai trip.

Results released today.I can't say i am happy about it.
At least,I am satisfied.
So what if you have good results?
Nobody cares.
And every hates.
Not because they are jealous,
it's simply because someone is notorious.

Life is so blissful
when you see your life as a blissful one.

Dwelling onto the past

I know it's not getting me anywhere by dwelling onto the past.
Today I saw someone that look likes him at the basketball court.
It just reminds me of the past.
I am a sentimental person.
I can't forget those little things though 6 years have gone.

When you were 13, you can dream with your wildest imagination;
When you were 13, you can treat small vandalism on the table as memories;
When you were 13, you can love with your whole heart and soul.
Now you are no longer 13, we are much older.
Things are getting so different.Someone moved on and some still held back by their past.

At least,I have fonding memories;
It's good enough.
Some people told me I have been too cool this few years,
it's time to get someone.
The fact is nobody wants me,
and I want nobody.
Everytime I thought I have found someone really nice and sincere,
it turnt out to be disappointment after disappointment.
So I have myself to reply on.

Shall end my reflection today.
It's good to reflect,as least you have learnt more about yourself.

Watched Boy A with Sylvester,Horace,Wen Jie and Rosanna today.
Though I have watched some independent or artistic movie at home,
this is my first time watching indie movie in Cinema.
Freakly,I prefer independent movie over normal hollywood movies.
The only thing I don't like about Boy A is the way that camera man place his camera.
It makes me to have headache when he focus too much facial expression of the actor.


I went to China Town last week alone.
Coz I have no money to travel overseas,so I decide to go to China Town for a walk.
Travel along the old lanes, like Cross Street,Ann Siang Hill etc, everything seems pause for a second,life suddenly become so peaceful.
I am so love with old shop houses.If i have the money,I will buy one shop house with all the antique furnitures, those black and white movie poster and one player that can play vinyl.
My dream house

Modern+Tradition

Today's shop house.

Sg at Night


I don't talk much about irrelevant people;
I don't like to be politically correct;
I don't have much talent or not even a single bit;
And I don't try to act as I am so into the movie when I totally don't enjoyed it.

I like to listen to black records(vinyl);
I like to kay bo about my friends and people that I am concerned about;
I like to watch independent and old movies;
And I hate acting unless I am doing it for drama purpose.

In short,I have said my piece.You should have understood me.
It's good to dream,but you still have to wake up and face the reality one day.

Just came back from TXY prizing giving ceremony.
It has been the 4th time being there.
I still remember vividly how I used to be passionate about writing back then.
Last time,
I am so thrilled to see my article on newspaper.
I am so serious about editing every word I wrote;
I am so happy to spend my whole day in the indie music shop on Haji Lane for my black record article.
Now things are different.
The primary feeling is still the purest.

Ting Tsu,Jie Sheng and me.

Fat Chen Shake,he and Yu Chih are leaving for China.



Fan Tuan,Xian Hui,Ying Wen and me.


I know leaving is inevitable.
It's just part of our growing up process.
One cannot stay in the same place forever.
When someone is leaving,only then you realize the importance of the person.
I miss 3F(My HCL class)
Of course my dear friend Jie Sheng,who will be going to the states soon.
Out of a sudden,it seems that many of my good friend are leaving.
I don't want to come to the end of this year.

Yesterday went for NP strings concert to support Horace and Zi Ning.
Because of this concert and TXY ban Jiang,I actually give up my job at Comex.
Which means $$ is forgone.
I don't want to be an irresponsible person,
who breaks her promise for money.
Friends are definately more important than money.
There is no ending for generating money,
but there is limited chance to gather with your friends.
Of course,some people may place money as top priority.
It's up to you how you balance the two things.

Living in memories

I am always living memories,maybe that's why I am so screwed up in everything now.

Today I went for the scholarship preparation programme.
Btw, I am neither a scholar or a director's list holder.
I have no idea why I want to sign up in the first place.
Those stuff the coach have taught is about 25%useful.



When I was inside the room,I suddenly feel my confidence level was falling drastically.
I can't help to feel inferior,lack of confidence,it's unlike the feeling that I went for TDP last year.
I should not do comparison,but I just cannot control myself.
I am ok with the fact that I am screwed.
I just cannot get over the fact that everyone is getting better,I am becoming worse.



I am 19,going to 20 soon.
None of my dreams are fulfilled.
I am not getting anywhere closer to them.
I have no passion,
I have no talent,
If my talent is writing,
why can't I write out a single word after staring at the paper for so long?



I used to believe that as long as one darea to dream,he will have the passion and enthusiasm to achieve it.
Maybe it's totally wrong.
Those aunties who bargain over a few cents at market should have their dream;
Those uncles who can drinks beer at coffee shop at night should have dreams too;
But what happen to their dreams when they are getting old;
Reality and dreams just don't match.
I doubt if we can still have the ability to dream in 10 or 20 years times.



I just feel like a loser.
I want to talk to someone,
but just cannot find anyone to talk to.
Such a loser.



Where is the me?
Where is Xing Dan?
I think she is already dead since graduated from HS.
Now I am only a hollow shell without a soul.

Memories.

Karma

I am not a buddist,neither a Christian.
Well,I do have a religion,which is Xingdanism.
Xingdansim believes in Karma.
You will get what you sow sooner or later.

Yesterday caught movie 4bia with my classmates.
It's the 4th horror movie that I ever watched.
The first one is the eye 2,which is like 5 years ago.
The second one I caught accidently on TV;
Third is Juon which i have no choice but watched in NYAA chalet.
Forth one is 4bia.
Inside the cinema,many people are laughing;
But there is a girl,who got so traumadised, almost go hidding under her sit.
Yes.That's me.
The story line is quite predicable,directors use the ususual horror making techiques.
Most of the times,I know the ghost is going to appear in the scene.
I still can't help to tremble non-stop.

Though I am covering up my eyes,ears and face most of the times,
I still manage to survive through the whole movie.
After I came out of the cinema,I can't even walk properly.
I almost thought I am going to have heart attack anytime.
But i learnt one thing through the movie:Karma.
Don't do things against your conscience,
sooner or later you will get it.
Maybe that's why I am so traumadised.
Coz initially I am supposed to go Night Safari with MCs and SCOs.
It's a rare chance for everyone to get together;
It's a good bonding opportunity;
and I have already told James that I am going;
In the end,due to my classmates' persuasiveness,
I decided to go for movie.

Exams are over.Costing paper is really screwed,I think it's going to pull my whole GPA down.My dreams is gonna burst into bubble again!
I need imspiration.
I want to write something,
I want to join the contest,
I want to write to my secondary school teachers;
But i don't have any inspiration.I don't like works without inspiration.It's fake and lack of emotion.
Staring at the old pieces that I have done earlier,either published or not,
it's still much better than what I am writing now.
Please give me some inspiration!
and a job!

dilemma

Study at my secret little corner in library.Library is so peaceful.It's the kind me peace tat i am craving to have.
Life is like a MCQ.there are so many choices tat u can choose.It's really hard to make a choice.There's an opportunity cost behind every choice.You cannot take both of them,you can only decide on one.
Tmr is last paper.After tat,it will be holiday. i need a job. Any intro?