Sunday at the park

Spent my wonderful sunday at Chinese Garden with Cassie.
Guitar, Camera and the company of a good friend.
I shouldn't be asking too much from life, right?
Cooked dinner on sunday evening.Though it's not too tasty,but through errors we learnt.

I just realized that I have a cut on my leg:(
Should not force myself to climb up the tree.
Shell's birthday is coming.
I still have no idea what to get.

Continue to keep the faith, soon you will see miracles.

I miss him.
Perhaps coz there isn't too many guys in my life,
or rather there isn't too many guys that I can be so comfortable with,
that's why I will think of him in the middle of the night.
But he will never know.
And I will never say.
Everything will just fade as time passes by.

I have done some sanity test online, in the end I got a score of 125.
I have expected the result to be something like that.
I know deep inside me, I am not right.
Certainly for the past few years, I have been living in denials.
Denials of my problem, denials of the wounds that I have from the past.
All I do is pretend, pretend that time will heal everything, pretend that I will be alright eventually after a while.
But the fact is a wound that is so deep won't get healed by itself.
If you left it untreated, it will only get worse instead of getting better.

I have no idea about how to deal with the problems in my life.
It justs build on.
If you don't get your foundation stablized, then your top won't be stable.
It has been 6 years, yet I cannot get over it.
My mum think I am alright, even I am thinking I am alright sometimes,
but nothing seems to be right.
From the incident, I guess I lost faith in humanity.
I start to shut myself down from the world, I start to build walls.
I was so afraid to get hurt again, I was so afraid to disclose myself to others.

My family, the fact about me not having a father in my grow up process,
definitely affected me to a huge extent.
I am not a mentally healthy person, even I was a kid.
But I don't care and I never really seek help for those problem.
I just let it grow and affect me more and more severely.
Now I have no idea about how to deal with the entire problem.

I need to get out, I need to recover.
All I can hope for it's a miracle.

Somehow I still don't feel happy.
I feel lonely even when i am with people.
I cannot control my thoughts.
I am no longer feeling confident.
Can someone save me from all this?
I don't like me for being this me.
I really want myself to get back on my back again.

Comparison kills.
When you compare with others, you start to focus more on how good they are,
instead of how good you are.
Rememeber, you are good..Much better than a lot others.
Be statisfied with what you have.
Now everything seems to be better,
at least my mood is more stable.
Sometimes I am still alone, but I don't feel that lonely.
I hope this strength can continue be with me for the rest of my life.

I tried to write a fiction,
somehow the content starts to mirror my life.
The wound starts to hurt.
It seems that I still cannot get over of a lot of things.

Where has your smile gone to?

I used to smile a lot when i was younger.
Being friendly to almost everyone.
Slowly anger and fear took me over.
Instead of smiling at everyone, i became hostile.
Instead of being friendly, I start to doubt everyone.
Doubt about their intention, doubt about purpose.
Then I realized I am not that happy.
I know that I have to change,
smile more, things will turn over well as expected.

My not so bad CNY

I used to detest CNY a lot,
due to the fact that I was always lonely on CNY and
also for the fact that grandpa passed away on the first day of CNY.
This year I think my CNY is quite fulfilling, surprisingly i didn't feel as lonely as I expected.

Had dinner with my mum on CNY eve, first time of my life that I didn't celebrate CNY together with her as we used to be. I guess it's just part of the adjustment process that we all need to get use to.
On the first day of CNY,I went for some gathering and get to know some new friends.
Had fun eating and playing.
On the second day of CNY, went to May's house to Bai Nian. It seems time pass faster than I can think of. It has been one year since I left Citi bank.
On the third day of CNY, I celebrated with my dear girls.I cannot say how fortunate I was to have met them.Though certain times we quarrel and we pek chey with one another, it is just normal for a friendship.

It seems that life will be bad if you think life is bad,
but if you think life is wonderful,
then it's gonna be wonderful.
If I don't help myself, there is no other person can help you.
Hope everything is gonna be better this year,
I wish that I can get my thoughts sorted out soon.

Screw myself for being so lazy.
I have no idea why I am not doing any of my home work.
Where has my heart gone to?
Study study study,ok?

Sometimes I think I expected too much.
Too much from a friendship.
People don't owe you anything.
They are not your parents.
It's a plus point if they are nice to you.

Sometimes I am wondering why friends start to drift away after a long time.
I guess the longer you know people, the less effort you put into the friendship.
I know it's a not investment, you cannot expect a certain amount of return base on your effort.
It's funny that when you enjoy the companion of your new friends,
but you cannot feel your own existence with your old friends.