If you are happy,ignore this post. If you have read this post,don't show any sympathy.
I love to emo.Emo is hobby.
I am a mixed blood person.My blood is a set comprises of elements of sadness,depression and pessimism.
While, I rarely talk about my life,my family and my childhood.Even if i do, I always portrait them in a very nice way.
In front of most people, I am always an enthusiatic, positive and super cheerful girl.
Am i a good actress?I think I am.I am simply a hyprocite who put up a fake mask to everyone including herself.
In life,you got to pretend.Only when you pretend that you are leading a cheerful life, then you can forget about things.
Do i have a happy childhood?I do,but only partially.If i can conclude my life journey using one word,it will be tough.
My parents separated since i was small.The few times I saw them together is when they are quarelling over money issues.
They divorced when I was 4.My father visits me twice a year.Once in the beginning of the year,the other time is during my birthday.He will always bring me a white cream cake during my birthday.
My mum used to hit me when i was unable to reach her high expectation.I learnt how to hold back my tears since then.Everytime she hits me, I often wish I could have a father by my side.In fact,it's just my fat hope.
My beloved grandfather who is really good to me passed away on Chinese new year.Since then,every chinese new year I had is full of tears and unhappiness.
The first time i run away from home is at the age of 9 when i couldn't stand my family or my life anymore.
My family is poor.Last time i used to live squatter areas that can only be seen in the TV.We are forever belong to the low income group.
In 2002, my so called best friend at the times got together with someone i like after she told me that he likes me.In 2002, i realize that capablities is not the only powerful tool,money is more powerful.
In 2003, I celebrated new year's eve alone with nothing to eat.And during Chinese new year, I sitted at the void deck for 8 hours with nothing to eat and no one to talk to as I don't have the key to the place i live.
In 2004, i first knew there is a mental illness called depression and how powerful is the illness of depression.
My mum first fell ill when i was sec 3.I often hide a pen knife under my blanket back then and I used to wish that I could just sleep until the end.There is another major thing happend which really change my view about the world.I am hurt really deeply.Anyway it's just another sad thing.
My mum fell ill again when i was sec 4, when i was taking o level.It's between tumor and cancer.My whole life changed from then.I almost end up in nursing coz there is $800 subsidies for nursing student and my family need that $800 per month.
I told many people that going to poly is my wish.It's due to the fact that i don't like JC life.In fact,it's not.I gave up my top JC dream coz my family cannot afford me to have the dream.Going to poly means i have time to work and i need that income.
I work really hard not purely coz i want to be independent,it's coz that i need that income,i need the income for school fees,for my own allowance.
Dreams are bonded by reality.I tried to run away from reality,but i failed.I keep on running,but reality just hit me down.
From reality, I really learnt a lot.How to hide your tears away from the rest, how to pretend to be strong and how to fake to be cheerful when you are so hurt.
How i wish i can just do what i want to do with no worries regarding the material aspect.
My life is full of excitement,so exciting until sometimes i really cannot take it.I am just a human,not a superman.
Life,can you just let me take a break?I am so tired.Close my eyes tight and sleep soundly is just another wish of mine.
I am not someone full of vengenance.Ignore me,i will be fine tomorrow.Maybe i need to to sit by the sea side for while and get some fresh air.
