Coincidence

A lot of things happened coincidentally.
Today I saw Anton at a coffeeshop at Tanjong Pagar,
then I saw Vee on the train back to NTU.
Everything is just so coincidental.

I feel so blessed that I actually found a job.
Think about it, my life is so much better than a lot others.
I should really cherish what I have.
Perhaps I am goin to make some major changes in my life next year.
Change for the better.

Life is fair and unfair.
There's no way that you can have everything.
What is most imporant,
be happy with what you have.
Maybe you are just not fated for certain things.

Sometimes my instinct really tell me a lot of things,
but I am just lack of courage.
I am not really sad, but just feel disappointed with myself.
Perhaps things will be a lot more different if I am more brave.
Resolution for next year, be more brave and daring.
Fight for what you want instead of waiting for it to drop from the sky.

My mum is the best woman in the world.
For her, I need to work hard.

waking up refreshed

Sometimes I am depressed,sometimes I found myself to have no reason to be depressed.Life isn't bad on me.At least I still can wake up to see the beautiful sky.Sometimes I choose to take the tougher route instead of relying on people.Maybe I should learn about how to reply on people instead of being too indepedent.Actually there is plenty of beautiful things to look forward to,is it?

Even the strongest person has weakness.
I am not strong.I am just weak.
It just seems so hard to control my emotion.
Once again, I feel so alone.
My tears are coming down when I met my mum yesterday.
I regretted of mychoice of forcing myself to grow up.
I want to have a family, be with friends and behave like a normal kid.
But I have none..
Nothing.
This is bad.I know that I shouldn't be emoing before exams.
I should use the time to study for exam.
But what I can do?I cannot control my feelings.
How to find a way out?

最近真的发现妈妈很疼我，很爱我。我好像因为那件事情一直误会了妈妈，这样真的很不应该。我很高兴我有一个这么看的开妈妈，这么支持我。不管我想做什么，她也不怎么阻止我。我告诉她我以后我以后可能不会找一份安稳的工作，可能也不会结婚，可能会过着居无定处的生活，她什么都没说，只是说只要你开心就好。有几个妈妈能这么多看的开，我想大部分的父母应该都觉得我的想法很荒唐吧。的确我是一个很荒唐的人，很多时候都是靠着冲动来过生活，不切实际。其实我也很想过安稳的生活，但是现实不让我过安稳的生活，那我只好过不一样的生活吧。我也想有个完整的家庭，不用担心钱的问题，有个对我好的男朋友，但是这些对我来说是奢求。我只能用我自己的方式过我的生活。开心不开心都是自己决定的。这个地球少了谁还是一样会转。突然有一个想法，5年以后我想去NEW YORK.工作，在那里住一两年吧。存够钱了就却学摄影。也许一辈子都是这也飘流着。也许一辈子都是这样潇洒的一个人过着。

Perhaps I will be alone for the rest of my life.
That's kind of sad,right?
But that's how life is, right?
We cannot change it, then we got to accept it.

Learn to grow up

My days in uni so far have taught me about how to learn to grow up. It is impossible to be with people all the time,sometimes we have to be alone and we need to get use to being alone.Being alone doesn't mean loneliness,being alone means there is more time for yourself.We spent too much time on others,talking to others,entertaining the others,but have we spent enough time for ourselves?Coz i am free a lot of the times,i start to wonder what do i really want in life.Coz i am not making lots of new FRIENDS,i start to cherish every single friend in my life.Coz people around me talked more than I do,I start to realize the importance of listening. Severally,I feel scared and panick of being alone.what if i am still alone 10 or 20 years down the road?But does it matter(Nothing matters as long as I am happy. Even if nobody treats u,treat urself well.U r the master of ur own life.Thank God for making me realizing all this.I know the journey of life is tough,but I am going to become tougher to withstand all this.

I don't really care about what others are doing.
Notes to myself:Focus on your goal, focus on what you want in life,not what others want from your life

A lot of times I maybe unrealistic about certain things,
But I dont' really care.
We cannot afford to care so much.
Hopefully I can have more concentration in studying.
Good luck for me for my exams.

Learn to cherish

Today I was talking to my mum about how lucky I am,I realized that I am really lucky in a lot of ways.
I was born in a single parent family, but I have a wonderful mum.
My family isn't well off, but luckily I am smart enough not to go for tuition.
I was worrying about my loan, then someone dropped down from the sky to help me.
The bursary amount is just nice, so that I don't need to pay a single cent in cash.

I would say that I am really fortunate.
I guess instead of curse and swear about how unfortunate I am as compare to other people who are better off, I should appreciate how lucky I am.
If I wasn't lucky, I won't be surviving until today.

My life is getting better and better,
I must learn how to cherish it.
If not, nothing is going to last.

Happy friday

Friday have a lot of reasons for us to be happy.
Travelled all the way across the country early in the morning to attend T.Harv Eker's seminar.
Learnt a few things through the seminar.
Hopefully I can apply those things in life.
Most importantly, a good chance to network.

Met Angel and Kuan Huey for lunch.
It feels so wonderful to see them again.
And it reminds me of my internship days.
Back to Citi everything seems different, yet it is the same.
Perhaps the feeling is different. Anyway managed to talk to my eye candy.
Haha.He is still as cute as usual.

Saw Mr Enterprenuer at his fair at Expo.
He may not be very successful now,
But I think he will definitely go far in life.
Gonna learn from him.
Salsa is fun today.
The girls' talk is even better.
It made me look forward to next year:)

I really need to find a job during the holiday.
please give me a full time job,so that I can do things I want.

Gonna find a job during Jan break.
Loathe to take money from my mum when she is so sick and she rarely spend money on herself.
Well..I am 21 years old, going to be 22 next year.
Yet I still cannot provide for myself.
What a shame!
Gonna do something to turn the situation around.
Plus I think I will feel better to be self sufficient.

Life is a succession of lessons

This year I have gone through a lot and I learnt a lot of things.
This year I almost made a huge mistake and luckily God wakes me up.
This year I start to appreciate things which I have missed out previously.
This year I am more and more certain about what I want in life.

I am different, in a lot ways.
I do feel the pressure about conforming to social norms sometimes.
However, if I really do, then I will lose out myself.
I should be more persistent about the way that I want to live my life.
Life is not a copyphoto machine.

Went to Ashley's place on sunday.
Meet a lot of Philipino friends.
I guess that I know more Philipino than PRC now.
What a weird thing!
Perhaps I should be visit Manila sometimes soon>
Manila seems to be an interesting place.

Christmas is coming.
Looking forward to gatherings with my old and new friends.
Will be travelling across the country from friday to sunday.
Somehow it reminds me of my citi days.
Perhaps I should meet them for lunch.

He is cute, isn't he?
God, are you trying to tell me something?

Dislike about the fact that religion is in conflict with friendship.
My beliefs and valued do not change over night.
Anyway Christmas is coming.
I can feel the Christmas amosphere everywhere.
Cannot wait for Christmas to come.
Christmas is the best time of the year.
But before that I need to do well for my exam first.
Gonna study hard and make myself proud.

Marketing is making me to have headache.
Now I really wish tues can be over soon.
Though I don't have much chance to see Mr Potato Chips again.

Salsa lesson is as fun as usual.
More salsa lesson during Jan break.
M is going to move in with me during Jan break.
woohoo..I don't have to stay in hall alone le.
And we can learn salsa together.
Talking to Mr nice made me feel like a kid.
Not exactly a bad feeling..haha..

Mum called me when I was shopping for groceries.
She said why can't you talk to me for a longer time?
I felt bad upon hearing that.
I am nelgecting her.
She is my only kin in this world.
I shall be nicer to my mum from tomorrow onwards.

Another dark phase of my life

I know I am going to another dark phase of my life. I lost my motivation.I feel lost.I doubt about my ability.I don't know who are my friends. And I start to wonder if my life is a real failure.What if this situation continues?i don't know what i will do it. i hope that i can find a way out.i need help.

I need motivation

Sometimes I feel really lost.
Since the start of my uni,
this balance is not properly restored.
Without motivation,
there is nothing I can do.

Should I move back to stay with my mum?
Maybe it's going to make me happier.

Slowly I will find more people with the similiar goals.
Together we will progress.
Together we will learn.

I am wonderful coz of the way I am.

Such time as this

I was at the young woman's conference at botanic garden yesterday.
It made me realized a lot of things.
Just the day before I was submerging myself in self pity,
the next day they are talking about it at the conference.
Well, it's not really like a conference.
It's more like a sharing session.
Totally agreed with the points that Ali Smith mentioned.

A few key take away from the conference:
1.Woman knows woman the best,so never forget about your female friends;
2. Life is a choice.You can either spiral yourself down in self pity,or you can live happily without thinking too much.
3.God has the right one for you.It's just a matter of time.
I guess I am not so against having a religion nowadays,especially after so many changes took place this year.
Without those faith, I may not be able to stand up again.
Or I may have totally lost myself.

I shall focus more on the things I enjoy doing,
Stop wasting time on things that you don't really wish to do.
It's ok not to behave like people around you,
As long as you believe it's the right,then just do it.
And leave the baggage behind.Put the past behind.
Hopefully I can do things according to the list.

Yesterday I had a dream about this friend.
Kind of weird, don't know how he comes into my dream.
Never mind,it's just a dream.

Hope

I decided to delete off the emo post that I posted yesterday.
Afterall, my life isn't that bad.
It gets better and better nowadays.
The only reason is that I don't appreciate what I have.
I always compare myself with other people's life.
Why don't you treasure what you already have?

I always complain about being alone, having no friends.
But the fact is I know that I have friends out there care for me.
Sometimes I just shut my door and refuse to let them come in.
I refuse to accept other people's kindess.
How can you expect people to care about you when you don't even care about yourself?

Actually throughout the years, i have made quite a number of good friends.
My secondary school friends, my poly friends, my attachment friends,my BA society friend, my work friend and many more.
I have met so many awesome and wonderful people.
Yesterday when I was emoing on facebook, Wen who I have met only once when she is in Singapore have encouraged me.
Cassie even came to deliver medicine for me after her work.
What else can I expect?

My life is wonderful now, is it?
I am in the same uni as bestie.
I have the freedom to do whatever I want.
I am doing quite ok in school.
My mum loves me and cares so much for me.

Drop all the negative thoughts and start to live for the present.
You only live once.
Treasure what you have at the moment and have no regrets.

Have I made the wrong choice by moving out and moving into NTU?
I think so.
Personally I don't enjoy staying in hall and going to school.
I made too much comparison about NP and NTU.
I tried so hard to think positively,
but this thing is affecting my mood seriously.
I am kind of depressed lately.

Unlike Hui Hui, who found a way to express out her feelings.
I have no idea who to tell and how to tell people that I am depressed.
Sometimes I really want to cry out loud, but my tears just doesn't come out.
At some point, I thought that my life is improving.
I am in uni, I can afford to pay living expenses myself.
I can afford to go travel.
But it just don't seems to be the case.
I am not any happier. Rather I was happier last time.So much.

Uncertainty creates thrill, but too uncertainty causes fear.
Sometimes I wish that I can settle down, have some stablity in life too.
I hate about moving, not having a house on my own.
Everyone else has a home, but just not me.
I am not different from a 流浪汉.
Will I be living like this for the rest of my life?
I don't dare to think about it. The thoughts about it just made me sad.

Having a family is really great.Dad,mum,sisters, brothers.
Perhaps that's more like a luxury that I can never afford to have.
And you don't have it, you will never have it.
Somethings are just beyond your control.
I tried to minimize the impact about growing up in a single parent family have on me by pretending to be strong and pretending to be happy.
Yet deep inside I know that I cannot.
The contradicting thing is that I am craving for love, yet I am scared of love.
I am so skeptical about love(I am talking about love in general).
What if I will lose it one day?

I don't know how long does it take to come back to my normal mood.
Perhaps there will be miracles.
Perhaps I will be living like this for the rest of my life.
Perhaps there is not much perhaps left.

Believe in myself

I need to believe in myself.
Stop being so fearful.
What is there to fear about?
All good things will come if you believe.

Plans for Jan holiday:
-Conquer Mt Belumut& go for water rafting
-Find a job to fill up my free days
-Take up dance lesson with Marine.
-Catch up with my friends
-Take more photos
-Read up my books

打不败心魔，什么都没办法成功

I really want us to be friends, but cannot we?
Probably I am only a stranger to you.

The social norm

Social norms are the behaviours, beliefs and values that is used in a group.
Though the social norms may not be the correct ones.
People succumb to social norms to fit into the group.
Most of us are  living up to the expectation of other people, not oursevles.

Everyone has been telling me to find a boyfriend.
Li Sze, Yu Lin and even bestie told me so.
Is there a law states that I must find a bf in uni?
Must I get married coz everyone is doing that?

I don't have anything against falling in love or getting married.
Why doesn't want to find a loved one?
But if I really cannot find one, then forget about it.
I still can live a happy life.
I hate to follow the norms.
Can't we live our life with a bit of creativity?
Why must we live with other people's expectation?

Well.I am desperate.
I am desperate for love, friendship and kinship,
those things that sparks up my life.
Bless me.

A lucky day

Today is another lucky day.
Got offered another tuition when I was at Nad's house.
Thank god for answering to my prayers.
Having a source of income makes me feel so much better.

Marketing project meeting is very constructive.
Dinner after project is fun.
I think it really takes time to build a friendship.
Slowly I will find friends in uni.

Notes to myself:

-Treasure the friends you have, they are blessings in disguise.
-Think positively and believe in yourself, you worth more than you know
-Put in more efforts into studying,if you cannot even conquer studying,
what else can you do?-Believe in love,believer in dreams, believe in possibilities 
-Be friends again with Mr X, he can teaches you a lot of important lessons.

Nowdays I love photography more and more.
Photography,writing,travelling,dance,music.

Met my lovely friends for afternoon tea.
I really enjoyed every single moment spent with them.
Well, that's exaggerating.
Sometimes I do feel irritate with them, but I still love them after all.

Met my poly friends.
Have not seen some of them for so long.
But too bad Sly and Hiu Tung are not there.
I really hope that they could be there.

It seems that all the datukers are going for the same trip again.
Woohoo. That will be so fun.
I am so look forward to January break.

Pimple,pimple, go away;
Job,Job, come and stay!

I want to get a job,

then i can visit a skin doctor!

Somethings are just beyond my control.
It just doesn't go the way I want it to be.
Not fated.

Happy day

Monday is a happy,

Tuesday is a happy day.
Mr Patato Chips is super cute.I cannot stop laughing when he behaves like a kid in school.
And now I realized that I am not his only fan.
There is a lot more people who are crazy over him.
Octoberfest is not too bad.
Managed to know a few new friends.
Had fun drinking beer and playing musical chair.
The fact about drinking beer in school is actually quite shoik..haha.

Today is another happy day.
Played badminton and table tennis in SRC.
Got amazed by one of classmate's superb badminton skill.
I guess that he must be a national team player.

And I know tomorrow is going to be another happy day.
Going to meet my lovelies for afternoon tea and my polyfriends for dinner.

I know when I think less, then my days will be happier.
Hope that I can find a job soon.
I really need a job:)

Met up with Li Sze today.
She is getting married and moving in her new house soon.
I felt really happy for her. I can sense her happiness every here and then.
Had a nice lunch followed by a simple afternoon tea.
I love slow pace afternoon, where you don't need to think much.

Yanyu came over to my room last night.
She is so sweet to brought sweets for me.
And I realized that I am not the only person without a complete family.
There is a lot of other people who are the same.
Yet they are much stronger than I am.

I still feel lost.
Sometimes I am very sure about what I want,
But I have no idea about how to achieve those things I want.

勇气

谁能告诉我人要怎样才能有勇气去做我想做的东西？

Thank you,Bestie

I hate to be mushy.
Neither I am someone who likes to express my love and my feelings to others.
But I have to dedicate this post to my bestie, Shell.
Thank you all this friendship and love.
Thank you sharing your happiness with me.
Thank you for making me so homely.
Thank you for everything you have done.

I cannot ask for more.
Perhaps one good friend is more than a world of acquitance.

Where will I be 5 years from now?

where will I will be 5 years from now? Will I be happy for the way my life is?I hope the answer is yesyes 

Actually my day is not that bad.

B&H made me happy.

I am really happy to have them as my friends.

I wish that they could be there forever in my life.

I think my life is lack of passion now.
As what bestie has said, I am feigning happiness sometimes.Well, that's true.I am so scared of failures, which resulted me in not daring to try anything at all.
So what if you have failed?Life is all about failing and getting up.I need to find something that can really make me happy.
I want my youth to be memorable and fulfilling.
I want some sparks in life.

Morning Reflection

I woke up early this morning to do some work.
At the same time, I decide to do some reflection.

Firstly, I think I have should be happy about my life and stop demanding for more.
The problem with me is that I never get satisfied enough for life.
I always crave for more even though I already have a lot in life.
You are in uni now, you have good friends around you,
your mum supports you and you don't have to worry that much anymore.
What else can you ask for?

Secondly,I should motivate myself and be more disciplined.
Stop using social networks.It gets you to no where.
You got to study harder, the subjects you are studying are useful to your future life.
Not everyone have the chance to study in NBS.
Even if you are not studying for your studies,you should be studying for your life.
Read more books, think more and learn more while you have the chance.

Thirdly,find out what you really want.
You need to know what you really want in life.
What kind of friends, what kind of life,what kind of future.
Once you have set your goal, then don't change it.
Don't be affected by the surroundings.You are living for yourself.
Resist all the temptations.Temptations only bring you temporaral happiness, it gets you nowhere.

Done with my reflection for the day.Hopefully it can makes become a better person.
I am really hoping that XXX co can call me up.Please.
With that job,then I can be more balanced in my life.

Datuk Trip

Yeah..Just came back from Datuk trip.
Awesome trip.Met a lot of interesting people.
The presence of shell made me enjoy the trip even more.
First time in uni camps that I felt so comfortable.
I think that's how the real me is like.
I shall be more true to myself in future and hang out with people who are like minded more.

My life is really getting better.
Mum is so nice to me.
She asked to go for facial and be nicer to myself.
I feel bad at times for her treating me so nicely
It seems that I am the selfish devil,
she is the selfless angel.
I think i have made the right decision by moving out.
At leat now I learn how to appreciate life and people in my life.

Woohoo.I am going to New Jersey next year!
Hopefully X co will take me in, then I can go for another backpacking trip in Jan.
P.S:I think I am my focus is really different from typical uni student:)

I THINK MY LIFE IS A TOTAL SCREW UP.

IT WON'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE EVEN IF I SCREW IT UP FURTHER,RIGHT?

SCREW MYSELF.

Somehow I have no idea what is wrong with me.
I cannot get myself out this emotional mood.Despite that I have talked with some of my friends for several times,
I still have doubts about myself, about my ability.

Seriously I have no idea what I am good at and what I really like.
I like a lot of things, it seems that I am not really good at them.
And I feel so lost.
I really cannot sense the happiess within me.
Now I feel so disconnect with people.
what can I do now? can someone teach me?
How to get the old Xing Dan back?

Nobody will know even if I have done something crazy again.
Perhaps it's the only way to get me out of my emotional attachment to that person.
No one get hurts, so why not?
Just let madeness rule the world.

我们总觉得别人的东西都比自己的好。

没有得到的时候，我们总想拥有。

得到的时候，我们却不懂得珍惜。

人就这是这样的一种动物。

犯贱是人的一种本性。

举个例子。好比说A和B给你选择。

A什么都好，你知道和A在一起，以后他会对你很好。

只要你努力一下，A就会把你当作很重要的人。

B什么都不好，B也不属于你一个人，他对你也不够好。

就算你怎么努力，B也不会帮你当作重要的人，因为B已经有很多重要的人了。

给大多数的选择，大家都还是会选择B，多过A。

因为人就是喜欢受苦，觉得得来不易的才是好东西。

还在留恋中。其实B也不是不好，只是他已经有了那个或者很多重要的人了。

也许那真的不是爱，只是难得的遇到了一个很像自己的人。

人生不能总是追求刺激，有时候还是要接受现实。

My

我也要在３０岁之前买一个像the central的Soho那样的房子。
其实就算自己一个人也没有什么。自己一个人也可以过得很开心。
我觉得我现在的生活还不错，
不算太忙，也不算太空闲。
很多属于自己的时间，很多属于自己的空间。
我能做我想做的东西，周围的人也对我很好。
人真的要保持一个平衡的心态，不要一直要求太多。
每个人都有不一样的生活，其他人的生活也不一定适合你。
我相信，我还是很相信。
只要努力，你会得到你想要的东西的。
一定要相信，如果连自己都对自己失去信心了，
那么你凭什么得到你想要的东西呢？

我要好好享受我的人生。

Positive energy

Had a great weekends with bestie.
Your friends can really change your life.
Coz I have a friend who always think positively,
that's why I am having more positive energy now.
And only with more positive energy, then you will be able to succeed in life.

Caught the movie eat,pray,love today.
It's my kind of movie.
Travel,love and self-discovery.
I became clearer about what I want in life.
And I am sure that I will get them, just a matter of time.

1 more week to recess week.
I cannot wait for it to come!
Bless me with all the positive energy!
Let my life be filled with joys:)

I am once again trapped in my own world.
How to get out of this trap?
I need to adjust my mood back, so that I can concentrate on studying.
When is holiday coming?I need to go out and breath some fresh air.
I know that I am running away.
But what else can I do beside running away?
I am really not confident about myself now.
I need to recharge and get back to my old self.
If you have asked me,I will go with you.

I am not confident about myself at all.
Where is my confidence?
How to find my confidence back?
I want to be confident about my life again.

Learning to accept myself

I am learning accept myself completely.
In the past, I always want to become someone else.
Even for the past few days,I tried to act young and think in an immature manner.
Then I realized how pointless it is.
If I really cannot behave like the others, so why bother about it?

I am happily living in my own world.
Well, that doesn't mean I don't go out and socialize.
It only means that accept who you are, then people will accept who you are.
Thank God for having such a supportive mum, who always shows me support in whatever I do.
I doubt most of the parents won't be so supportive as her.
They will prefer their kids to do well in school,have a successful career and go for expensive holidays.
At least for most of the parents in Asia.

Well. Those female hormone inside me is making me going crazy.
I was still hoping to be friends with X.
I also was hoping that Y will come back and show some care and concern about this old friend.
There are people that I want to care about too.
But those are just fat hopes.

Going for social dance tomorrow.
Bless me with good luck.

I have to admit that I am someone who thinks a lot.
Practically I think about everything, life, family,friendship,relationship and even the world around me.
Life would have been so much easier if I don't think so much.
If I don't demand much, I will have found myself a boyfriend easily.
If I don't value friendship so much, I won't feel sad when your friends stop contacting you.
If I just comply with convention,then I won't have so much troubles.

But I just cannot stop myself from thinking and questioning.
I am really curious to know about a lot things, even though the truth maybe hard and cold.
I want to know why some friends stop contacting you all of a sudden,
I want to know what are some guys thinking about,
I want to know why can some woman be loyal to friends.
I want to know a lot more.

Perhaps I should just go and sleep,
let my mind rest in ease, then i will be much happier.

Mid autumn festival

Mid autumn festival is just over.
I had a celebration with Ivy and friends over at the kismis apartment.
It makes me feel good to hang out with those friends though i don't really meet them often.
Surprisingly Ryoko still rememebers me.I only saw her once back in last year's christmas.
Nate is fun to talk to. When he was mentioning about Thailand,I started to miss Thailand again.

Lecturer L is really funny.Though she has to eat lunch with another professor,
she didn't forget about our lunch appointment.
She actually came to tell me about it and about his status..haha..
Hopefully I can become a good friend with the lecturer.She is really nice:)

My neighbour girls are just so funny. They actually gave me a lot of confidence through those jokes they made. It makes me feel like much better about hall life.

I guess my life isn't so bad afterall. I should continue to stay optimistic about it.
Let bygone be bygone.Somethings are meant to be forgotten.

Lost

I feel lost again.
I don't know what I can do and What I am good at.
Before that I was so certain about my goals and my future,
now I start to doubt about my ability to make my dreams come true.

I am not happy.
I have followed my friend's advice about thinking positively
and I tried very hard to get rid of my negative self.
Yet I still cannot feel happy.

I tried my best to remain confidence about myself.
It's just that things are turn out according to myself.
I can take failures, but not multiple failures.
Sometimes I will also question myself about my interest and talents.
The answer that I got in the end is that I am a good at nothing.

Talking about relationship and friendship,
I feel lost again.
Why is it so hard to meet someone nice,
Who can make me feel loved.
Why I am still thinking about some unimportant passerby in life?

Where are the angels?Can someone bring me out of this place and help me to sort out my thoughts?I feel like a lost sheep without any directions.
All I need is some support and guidance.
God bless me.

About school

My life has been so much better this week.
Made a few new friends at the deli appreciation interview though i never got in.
Salsa class is fun though it's very hard.First time in my life going for dance audition.Nervous to the max.
.Had this random yet funny conversation with my marketing lecturer at the mac. I shall not disclosed the content.
My neighbours are nice,my friends are nice,everything seems to become better and better.i shall not ask for more.
Hopefully i can find a job soon,keep my mind occupied.

I still think of him sometimes, how?
Though I know that I am nothing in his life.
But it's just so hard to let go.
Will things become better when I wake up tomorrow morning?

Trying to get myself motivated

I am trying very hard to get myself motivated.
After reading through the first chapter of think and grow rich
my confidence is back again.I guess that i should really think
more positively in order to live a happier life.
Your attitude decides your altitude.
Though i am trying very hard,sometimes i still think of him.
It's just not so easy to forget someone,even if it's someone
not so important.
Please let me meet someone new.so that i can move on.

原来我也害怕寂寞。

I am just feeling insecured all the times.
What can I do?
I have no idea if the situation is going to improve over the next few weeks,months or even years.
I shouldn't be greedy. I already have good friends with me.
What else can I ask for?
I don't know, but I am just feeling uncertained.
God bless me.

有学长说，上大学就是要认真地谈场恋爱，
但是我能吗?
我很努力的忘记，
只是我不经意还是会想起。
可能真的很难喜欢上一个人吧。
喜欢上了就被办法那么快就忘记。
我是女生，可是我真的没办法理解有些女生。
可能我一辈子都是那种神经大条的女生，
没办法很女生的女生。
或者我根本就是个男人，
只是自己不知道。
希望明天会更好。
我真希望能找到真心的朋友

Update about my uni life

I have attended my first lecture in uni.
So far so good, though the pace is a bit fast,
luckily i managed to do some reading before hand.
I still feel lost, uncertain and insecured.
Somehow I just don't know who to hang out with and who are my friends.
Espcially when i am alone, I feel lonely.
Though I am doing the same thing as I used to be when I am at home,
but the feeling is different.
Hopefully I can overcome it soon.
May I find good friends in uni.
May I get rid of this insecured feeling.
May I be happy always.

First week of uni

I had my first week in uni.
Moved into my hall on wed,attend the opening ceremony on friday.Everything seems so new and different.
Talked to a few seniors and friends about uni,yet i still feel so uncertain.
Actually i am quite lucky,i have my best friend same school as me.Then i also know quite a lot of old friends here.What's there to be scare of?i have no idea,perhaps i am not that brave.

I thought that I am fearless, actually I am not.
Staying in the hall alone makes me feel lonely,
going to school makes me feel so uncertain.
I just don't know what to do.
Can I stop feeling this way?
I need encouragement, a lot of them.

I think those people who doesn't know me well will think that I have split personality.
One moment I can be so emotional, the next moment I can be so happy over simple things.
I am learning how to be happy and how to think positively.
Perhaps it will just take time.

I finally met up with Ivy today.
It has been so long since I last met her.Well, our meeting is really infrequent.
Anyway I am so glad that I actually know someone like her, who will expose me to different things and share with me different kind of opinions and advice.
Going to meet some new friends from States/New Zealand/India next week.
Sounds exciting, is it?

Asked Wei about work and travel programme USA.woohoo.
Glad that he hasn't totally forget about me,
and he even said he is willing to offer me high interest loan to go for the trip.
Not sure about how true it is, but I am happy to hear about that.
Even mum is supporting me to apply for work and travel programme USA.
Finally I am one step closer to my dream.
Hawaii,New York,LA and many more places.

Moving to my hall tomorrow.
And I am going to survive on my own.
I don't know if I can cope with everything,
but I am going to face it with a smile.
Wish me luck.

希望有一天

希望有一天，我能变得温柔，不用在坚强。

希望有一天，我能开心的笑，不用什么掩饰。

希望有一天，我能做我想做的事情，

想唱就唱，想写就写，想拍照就拍照，想跳舞就跳舞。

希望有一天，我也能再一次相信爱情，感觉得到那份纯真，

让自己也沉浸在幸福中。

希望有一天，我希望的这一天能到来。

虽然我知道可能不会有那么一天，但是我还是相信着。

做个笨人也有好处，要是什么都看开了，人生还有什么乐趣？

I am writing on my blog again.
Seriously I am feeling very vexed over some issues
and I have no idea who should I talk to.
I think I am the greatest liar in the world.
I am so good in deceiving myself, pretending everything is ok.
But in fact, I know that I am not ok.
I am not hurt, I am just sad.

A memoir for my ridiculous summer.
Me: I think I am falling for you&....
X:I think you think too much.Go uni,study well and have a happy good time.
Me:Well,maybe you are not that great either.I am going to find a good guy in uni.
X:That's why I said you think too much already.Happy searching.
Me:The one who have fallen for you is the backpacker me, not the student me.Thanks for knocking me into consciousness.
X:Luckily she is still young.
Me:what if she is not young?
X: Things may turn out differently.
Me:How different can it be?
X:Nothing.Keep in touch.

A bad and good day

I made the first confession in my life and I got rejected.
I was actually happy that I got rejected, kind of contradicting,right?
Li Tze said my life is very colourful, but it's not filled with all the good colours.
I rather want to have a simpler life instead.

Had a nice day trekking around Singapore with friends.
It's really nice to hang out with nice people.
You just feel so comfortable to be with them.

A good and bad day.
I should quit my habit of trying to be unusual.
Accept the fate.

I decided to take it even though it maybe a conditioner offer.

What else can I do?

My life is contradicting.
Some stranger are offering you to help you when your close friends turned you away.
I don't know if I should accept the offer,
or should I wait for Y to come back.
There is no free lunch in this world.It will definitely come  with a price.
Can I afford to pay?Maybe I can since I have nothing more to lose.

Somehow I have a definition for friendship.
This world is a live stock exchange.

Life is much tougher than I thought it to be.
I am still feeling helpless.
Where are the angels?
Where is my tomorrow?

All I can do now is to beg for help, what else can I do?

The problem is still not solved.
I am only left with two weeks.
Where to find someone to help when your close friend even turned you down.
Perhaps I should just withdraw my uni application.
My problems all start off from money.
Finding a job maybe is more realistic than pursing a degree.
Who else can I turn to?
My mother?
Friends?
Maybe I should just throw away my pride and my dignity and start to beg people to help me.
That's my last resolution.

Goodbye and Hello

Some friends you don't have to meet them very often,
maybe once or twice a year,
yet you can feel the closeness in between.
You just feel so secure and comfortable to be with them.
They give you support and guidance when you are in need.
They don't scold you even if you are wrong.
It's like family.
I was really blessed to have found friends like this.

I think I am lucky.
The reason that most of the times I don't think I am lucky is that I was overshadowed by my dark side. Then I lost my directions in life.
Someone has told me,
you got to let new things to come in and move on in life.
Think about your future plans and think about other important things in life.
Why bother about unnecessary things?




After thinking through it throughoutly, I decided to say goodbye to it.
It's not worthwhile to catch a fire just coz I want to see the brightness of a sparkle.
Goodbye my past, hello my new life.
I am moving on, laying down plans for my uni and my life.

My short term goals:
1.Become a property agent and maintain a decent earning per month.
2.Become friendlier and more optimistic about life.
3.Double my investment within a year.
4. Cycling around TW and join work and travel programme to US next year
5.Study smart and got a decent grade.
6.Enjoy my life, doing things that I like to do.
Most importantly, maintain good relationship with my friends and family.

God Bless Me.Everyday is getting better.

Straightened out my thoughts

I have straightened out my thoughts.
Now I feel so relieved.
Thank god for everything.
All the advice and HTHT with my close friends.
I managed to eat the Mexican food that we used to have at CBP today.
And I finally met up with Jacinth and Celeste.
So much things to look forward to.
Wavehouse, ice skating and many more.
Life is more spendid than I thought.

I cannot let my mind rest, even for a single minute.
Everytime I let it rest, then it starts to wonder off.
I think I can never meet anyone good in this life.
Fairy tales can never happen to me.
I must have done a lot of astrocious crimes in my past life,
that's why I am meant to be suffering in this life.

给我一个快乐的理由

我真很不开心，
很多事情我想做，但是我却没办法做。
我不能，我的理智告诉我我不能。
就算做了也没有好结果。
可是我有控制不了我自己，总是想太多。
女人都是这样，一个字，贱。

家里还是一样多的问题，
经济问题，健康问题。问题总是解决不完。
就算我逃避了半个月，事情也没有好转。
前途也很渺茫，我也不知道自己会不会达成自己的愿望。
关于朋友这个问题，也变得越来越复杂，
不是你对别人好，人家就对你好的。
很多事情都是靠缘分。

为什么大人的生活就越来越复杂？
我可不可以不要长大？
难度我都找不到快乐的理由？

I don't know what I am doing,
but I cannot control myself.
Stop thinking about it.
Please..You need to be awake from the dreams.

Random thoughts

I have been travelling for the past 13days.
It's not a long time, but there is a lot of stories.
Currently I am at Mui Ne, a fishing village not far away from Saigon.
I am so blessed that I actually met some Chinese girls on the bus to Mui Ne.
Had been hanging out with them for the past two days, they are really outgoing and friendly.My stay at Mui Ne won't be so fun without them.

I have been meeting old and new friends along the way.
Yong Gao at Bangkok to Siam Reap,
Fiona and David at Siam Reap,
Jamin and friends at Siam Reap,
Paul,Celeste and Lauren at Nomads at Phnom Penh,
Jing Yi and Edward at HCMC,
and Cao Jie and friends at Mui Ne.
Without them, my journey won't be so fun and safe.

It feels good to be away from all the worries, problems and shackles of life.
When I am on the road,I can be totally free and do things of my wish.
But I know when I am back to Singapore,
I have to be back to my normal life and
start to worry about finance, university,friends and love.
Afterall. I still have to live in reality.
Dreams cannot last forever.

After seeing all the poverty and sadness in life,
I think I am rather fortunate.
I shall begin a new chapter when I am back to Singapore.
No more reluctance about the past.
No matter how tough my future is going to be,
I will smile to the end.
Bless me.

It seems it's not that easy to let go and totally ignore it.
Wrong timing,wrong place and wrong person.It's just so wrong to be right.
It's ok.I am going to forget it soon.I am going to find someone in uni.There's plenty of good ones in uni,isn't it.
Off to Mui Ne to enjoy the breeze of the sea

昨天看报纸的时候，看到了一篇文章，关于男人和女人的。作者说很多结了婚的男人跟老婆的关系都像兄妹，虽然没有了爱情，但是却少不了对方。原来结婚以后的人的关系是这样的，怪不得这么多人想要结婚，想要多个亲人。
可能没有什么背叛不背叛的，只是对不一样的人有不同的感情,有时候是精神上的满足，有时候是身体上的。有些时候，我都不知道自己做的东西对不对，很多东西都是一时冲动，一时好奇，可能我真的该安份一点，不要有那么多的想法。想的越多，对自己越不利。
可能我真的是个怪人，才会有这么多的怪想法。有些事情，不是你想改变就能改变的。
心里的想法太多，有点想要暴炸的感觉。谁能解救我呢？
Though i have talked to someone about it,i am still thinking about it.No.That's not the way the game is played.Please don't let me fall into the trap.God bless me.

Sometimes travelling alone can be really lonely,especially seeing all the couples beside me.
I am not as strong as i thought to be.Sometimes i am vulnerable too
在这个城市发生的事情就留在这个城市吧，有些东西不需要带走。

有时候野性跟理智斗争，理智都输了。明知道这样不对，明知道这游戏很危险，却很难控制了自己。
i am crazy.

Even if you have read about what I wrote, don't ask me why.
I will explain to you if I feel like to.
Anyway a lot of things happened this few days,
disturbed my emotional balance,
so that's why i am writing weird stuff again.
I am leaving Bangkok soon.
All this memories will be left behind in Bangkok.

Something weird happened.
While, I always knew that it will happen.
But when it really does,
I don't know how to react to it.
I am really good enough to handle this kind of situation.
Can I remain cool about it?
I seriously have no idea.
But I know that I cannot afford to play this game.
I shall quit this game soon.

Prelude of my trip

Today marks the beginning of my 15days adventure.
I know that many have done similiar things before,
however it is quite significant to me.
It marks another different stage of my life.

I have slept at Changi Airport for 3 hours in order to catch the early flight.
Since I have going on super tight budget, I have to save every single cent,including taxi fare.
Hopefully I won't overspend,
hopefully the journey is safe and I won't get lost.
hopefully I will meet nice people along the way,
hopefully I will have lots of fun on the road!
Woohoo.Leaving Singapore in 1 hour times.
Get ready to say hello to Bangkok.

Finally I can call myself a backpacker!

为什么我的生活是这样的?
为什么活着要那么辛苦？
难道我真的做错了，要承受这样的痛苦。
谁不想活的轻松一点，活的开心一点？
可是我有选择嘛？我没有。
交朋友那么困难,
生活也那么困难，
难道就不能让我开心一下？
算了，可能我来到这个世界就是个错误。
活着真的好累，我也不知道我能支撑多久。
可能另外一个国度会比较幸福吧。
如果我真的离开了，有人会想我吗?

Leaving home

Tomorrow I will be going away for camp for 5 days.

Not long after I come back from the camp,

I am going for 2 weeks of backpacking trip.

Then I am moving out to live in the hostel.

It seems that I am finally leading an independent life,

but I feel guilty about leaving my mum alone.

I also feel uncertain about the future that is ahead of me.

Somehow I don't feel as good as I expected.

要去旅行了，好像除了妈妈，

真的没有什么人关心我。

其实也想要被关心。

Reminder to myself

I need to remain myself about certain things,
so that I can be on track and lost yourself in the course of pursuing my dreams.

1.Know what you really want and stop being blinded by material needs.
2.Continue to be optimistic and be certain about your future.
3.Stop being jealous of other people's life. You can never be them and they are not necessarily happier than you.
4. Look around you, don't always look at people above you. You can never reach them and they will never come down to you.
5. Be motivated but not overly ambitious. You cannot build a Rome in one day.

6. Happiess is still the most important thing after all.
7. Be more friendly, people don't owe you anything. It's better to have more friends than enemy.
8.Treat you mum better. She is your only kin in the world.
9. Don't be dishearten! Your efforts will pay off someday, it's just a matter of time.
10.Listen to your heart and live life to the fullest.

A new journey ahead

I caught part of Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky over the weekends.
I couldn't finish the movie as I have already knew the ending from the starting.
The ending is no ending.

When one gets older, her/his thinkings changes.

In the past,I used to think that getting married and being with someone forever is a beautiful thing.

But now I envy those people like Chanel or Jane Austen even more.

At least they were in loved before and they have beautiful memories

Sometimes when people around me are talking about how happy they are in the relationship,

I do feel happy for them. Like everytime I see Li Sze talk about her wedding and her house, I really can sense the happiess inside her.

Maybe that's what makes most woman happy, but it's just not what I want.

Perhaps I will laugh these lines 10 years later when I look back at my past,

But for now I still think this way.

Nowdays mum is really treating me too nicely. Kind of pampering me.

The better she treats me, then more guilty I feel.

I am simply too rebellious and I should be treating her nicely.

But I cannot afford to let myself be reliant on her.

What will happen if she wasn't here for me or I am not there for her?

I am going to embark on a new journey soon.

I don't what is ahead of me, but I am optimistic about it.

Just like many people had told me, hardwork pays off.

I have to continue to work hard to strive for the things I want.

I am going to find my own aurora one day.

My humble 21st birthday

I became an adult officially on 12July 2010,
which is about 2 days ago.

Though I never hold any grand parties or receive very expensive gifts,
I feel very contented. You know that you friends are there.

I think this is enough.I couldn't ask for more.

Had a simple dinner with my poly friends at Yi Min father's store on saturday.

Another simple dinner at home with Sis and Mum, sis is leaving for UK.

It will be her farewell dinner. I visited night safari for the first time in my 21 years.

Kind of dark, cannot really see much animals, but it's quite enjoyable coz it makes me feel like a tourist!I love being a tourist(sometimes)

On my birthday itself, i went to my dear NTU for body check out.
And mybody check out is not completed due to some issue, which means I have go back again.

Saw Alaric in school, sothat the very boring check out turn out to be not so boring.

Met Yu Lin for lunch, we are like two elderly, trying to make a recount of the past.

Caught triple tap in Cinema at night, Daniel Wu makes my day!

Actually I really feel very loved. I have read on the forum, some people have no or only friends.I feel quite sad for them. What is the meaning of life without friends?

I am so fortunate that there are always friends around to give me all kind of support.

All this while, I am able to find friends who are true and genuine no matter where I go.

Secondary School, Poly, BA society,Internship, my current work place and even my swimming class.

Thank god for giving me so many wonderful friends. I am really greatful.

Maybe it's really true that your attitude decides your altitude in life.

I shall be more optimistic in future.

1 more week to end of work and I am going for camp soon!

After which, I am going to be embark on my journey of being a backpacker!

I love this dazzling life.

My first post as an adult

I am officially an adult now.
Happy birthday to myself!

I dunno if I should feel sad or happy.
The few people who have wished me happy birthday are the people that I don't really know well.
Anyway I should enjoy this big day.
It doesn't always happen.

Woke up with a shocking news.
Actually it's not exactly shocking, it's just unexpected.
Germany lost the match to Spain just as the Octopus has predicted.
Screw the Octopus, I am going eat lots of Takopachi.
Let's see who the winner is.


I think my luck is really bad nowadays, perhaps I should buy a crystal charm.
Purple?Or Pink or maybe a combination of all, so that all area will be blessed.
I am so supersitious nowadays.


About one more month to my trip.
I am so excited about it.
Cannot wait for the day to come.
At the same time, I feel like going to HK.
It will be wonderful to spend new year and count down at such a vibrant city,
is it?
If I can find a good job after uni starts, then my plan can come true.


After talking to Alice yesterday,I got more in depth understanding about private banking&priority banking.
Part of me want to be in this industry and aiming on the wallstreet;
while the other part of me want to be free and easy, travel around the world.
It's impossible to get the best of both world.
Never mind, i still got 3 years to consider.

Cannot wait for saturday, I am going to taste nice Taiwan food!
Hopefully that i can win airticket to Taipei.

I am quite happy that actually some of my friends are still reading my blog despite it being so pessimistic.
Somehow I am rather touched to know that my friends actually emailed the school counselor
after seeing my depressed post long time ago.
At least I know that I still have friends that cares.





A lot of things are hard to say it out, especially for people like.
Many will not believe it, but I am an introvert or
I am becoming more and more introvert.
The problems are still there even if I say it out.
The finanical problem is always haunting me every now and then.
I am already 21 and my mum is getting old.
There is no way for me to continue to take money from her,
instead I should be giving her money, pampering her, making up her lost youth.
But how I am going to do it?
Uni fees, living expenses and of course expenses to support my dream.
Seriously I have no idea.


That's why I cannot be like other kids, do whatever they want without much consideration.
I want to be fully devoted to something,
for example, like salsa dance ,singing and travelling
but my finanical situation doesn't allow me to do it.
There isn't always a choice to choose in life.

My 21st birthday is in a few days times.
I have no idea about how to celebrate it.
People either hold a big party or celebrate with their loved ones.
I have no $$, no boyfriend, so maybe no celebration for me.

可能我运气不好吧，怪谁呢？

Life is a game,
some people play it the dangerous way,
some people play it the safer way.
But the outcome really don't depend on you.
Sometimes your moral values just got confused.
The line between right or wrong is just so blurred.

There are things you want to do,
yet you cannot do anything.
When you tried to do something,
then you realized you have tried too hard and there is not outcome.

Forget it.
I shall stop looking up and start to look down.
Tomorrow is a better day.

Sometimes I am really confused about myself.
Nowadays I seem focus too much on career, future and money.
All I want is fame, glamour and so called success.
I have ignored the most basic things such as happiess.
Where to find simplicity?
Where to find happiess?

有些人想要躲着你，
你怎么找也找不到。
有些时候我贱，
人家都不想见你，
你还在想什么。
醒醒，好不好。
不然你再继续下去就老了。

Update about my life.

Perhaps your thinking really decides how your life is.
I have been quite depressed over the past few weeks.
Actually there is no valid reason for me to be so depressed.
All the people around me, including my friends are all quite nice to me.
Though my work is boring,
but apprarently a lot other people are doing same kind of boring job.
My managers and colleague are all quite nice though we don't really talk.
And there is cute guys in the office that I can look at everyday.
So what is there to complain about?

Had fun yesterday with Jacinth and Shu Hua.
I miss the old internship days.
All the laughters and gossips.
I shall go back and visit my company sometimes soon.

Bestie is coming back on friday.
Looking forward to parties with Bestie.
I cannot wait for uni to start.
We will be in the same school again,
and we will also be graduating from Uni together if there is no misnap.

Who cares about people that never appreciates your kindness?
Life is still beautiful without them.

Bottle neck of my life

It's going to be another depressed post.
Anyway I am always a very dark person.
Colourful posts are not my forte.
I am always trapped in the shadow of my past and worries of my tomorrow.

Can I stop worrying?
Can I stop workhard?
I cannot.
If I don't work hard, I have nothing to fall back on.

I always thought that one decides his/her own fate.
Now I realized that it's not so true.
God decides who you are and what kind of life you are leading.
I hate this.
I hate working so hard.
I hate pretend to be strong.
But it's not you have a choice for everything.
You still have accept your destiny.

Sometimes i cannot even differetiate between fake happiess or real happiness.
Coz most the times I am not happy.
I am smiling for the sake of smiling.
I don't know how does being happy feel like.
Anyway my life is cheap.
Every year I have no idea whether I will live until the next birthday or not.
So it doesn't really matter if I am happy or not.
Cheap life don't really have much demand about life.

When you are younger, you got amazed by idol drama.
When you grow up, you realized all this are just fantasies.
Fantasies about life.
There won't be an angel even when you feel so helpless.
All you have is only youself.

Forget it.
I have this kind of fate.
What else can I ask for my life?
Everyday is just one more day.

My bad mood is still here after so many weeks.
It seems no matter what I do,
I still feel bored and unhappy.
Work is making me depressed.
My job is really too simply and boring.
Now my only entertainment in the office is to peek at Mr Cute and trying to hide away from Mr Serious,who always pop out behind my back and give me task to do.
I am losing my all senses.
Perhaps I am suffering from hormone inbalance?

I feel like going to club.
Maybe getting drink is the only way to forget all the troubles in life.

钻石

有些人身上有一种东西，
我却没有。
这种东西叫做美好。
美好得让人觉得幸福。

这种东西我想得也得我到。
谁不想要让自己过得幸福呢？
可是很多时候多需要一些运气吧。
可能我真的没那个命。
有时候觉得我妈真的是个好女人，
可是呢，过得还是那么辛苦。
可能我跟她的命一样吧，
或者我连她的命都不如吧。


我世故我複雜
她是無價的鑽石阿
我是不值錢的砂
她是鑽石我是砂

我真的很喜欢这首歌。
因为自己怎么努力，
也不过是沙。
怎么能比得上钻石呢。
人，有时候真的要任命。

命运不会对我那么友善的，
他总是会先给我一点甜头，
然后再把我所拥有的全部都带走。

I think for the past few years,
I have lost myself.
I forgot who I am and what I really want.
I ignored what my heart tells me to do.
I was doing things merely following the world.

Slowly I am going to find myself back.
So what if the whole world is doing something else?
So what if I am being different from the rest?
As long as I am happy,
nothing really matter that much.

Tired

I feel tired.
I need a get away soon.
Please get all this negative spirit off me!
But I just cannot adjust myself back to the happy mood.

Let me sleep with a tomorrow that will never come.

Loneliness can make a person sick.
I think I am mentally sick now.

看了泡沫之夏，心里有一种痛的感觉。
好久都没有看偶像剧而被感动了。
真的觉得大Ｓ很不错，
漂亮，有个性。
这样的女生真的很吸引人吧。

觉得我这个人真的太爱幻想，
真的不现实。
有哪一天我能放下幻想，现实一点呢？

Some people are just rude

Some people are just rude.
There is a limit to everything.
It's not every joke is funny.
some are quite hurtful.

Can someone tell me who is a friend and who is not?

A present for myself

I have prepared the best birthday present for myself for my 21st birthday.
I will be going for a 2 weeks backpack trip across South East Asia in August.
It's not just about the trip.
it's about taking charge of your own life.
Finally that I have a say in my own life
and I decide the direction that I want to go.

Bless me to have a safe and fun trip.
May I meet a lot of fun loving and interesting people along the way.
I cannot thank God enough for this wonderful opportunity.

Sometimes you really have to decide for your own life.
I cannot feel more contented.

Grad day

Finally i have graduated.
Does it marks the ending or beginning?
For many things,it marks the end;
But for many other things,i am really not sure.
who knows what is going to happen in future.

Some thoughts for life.Let's say you are only given choice A and B,Choice A is a tougher road.You know it's going to be tough and tried its toughness,plus the return is much less.
Choice B is definitely easier than A.It's a much smoother road and you can deprive temporary or mayb long term happiness.
There is no other choices beside staying out of the game.And you feel like trying out either choice A or B.Forget to mention,choice B is somehow against your usual belief and you don't know what will happen if you take that path.
So which choice will you choose?
It's a tough question,slowly one will find her answer.
I suddenly thought of the movie an education,wondering if it's positively correlated to the situation or otherwise.

Mixed kind of feeling.Confusion+more confusion.
Hopefully it will get clear soon.

我真的很想去找你，
只是我没有勇气。

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Nowadays i get frustrated easily,
feel lonely very often,
lost interest in almost everything i do
and i don't feel happy.
What is wrong with me?
Can someone tell me?
I think i won't cope with it for long if it persist.
God, i really your help.

I shall be crazy for once

I shall be crazy for once.
Take the risk and just do it.
Not going to care about anything else.

In the mood for holiday

I am in the mood for holiday.
Going to Phuket this sunday.
Well.I have been going for holidays for the past two weeks.
I went Malacca on 8-9 May,
then I went to JB last sat.
It seems every weekend is a holiday.

And I am planning for another holiday in July,
most likely somewhere around my birthday.
Ya..My 21st birthday is coming in less than 2 month's time.
I am going to be 21, yet still single..
Perhaps I can write a book in future,
title being "The memoir of the spinster".

It seems that my blog has some overseas reader.
Thanks for browing through my blog.
Please leave a comment after you have browse through.
I will love to hear more voices in my life.

Everyday is a new day.
I look forward to every other day.

I feel bored about my life

Somehow i just feel bored about my life.
Another two more months of boring work.
Some people sold them soul over money,i guess tat i am becoming one of them,but i have no choice.
Can i have some interesting to do?
Can i meet someone interesting?
Another day of boredom begins.

My life seems boring at the moment.
If I write it as a book,
it will definitely turn people off.
What is happening to me?

Where to find the cure to boredom?
Perhaps I have focused on the wrong things all along.
Did I chose the wrong path?
I really have no idea.

I feel lost.
I need some advice.
God, please guide me and show me the light.

I want the sunny me back.
Not the emo kid with distorted thinking.

Me and money

More than one friend has said tat i look very hungry for money.
In fact, I am hunger for money.
My situation doesn't allow me to be so care free as many others.
I can only lead a decent life with my hardwork.
how i wish tat one day when i wake up,i dun have to worry about my living expenses and other fees.
Not really possible now,esp when i still have to care about my mother's old age.
Of course,money can't grant u happiness.But without money,i can never be happy.
I wish someday tat i can stop worrying about money concern,live for my dreams.

Some people just walk in and out of your life like nobody's business.
Their behaviours are more unpredictable than whether forecast.

I am really sick of this life.
Nothing is changing.
For year and years.
The older I grow,
the more worries I have.
How I wish that I can escape from all this nonsense?
Leave this crazy world.
Perhaps that's one of my choice.

My blog is filled with dark post.
I don't born to behave like this,
it's life that changes me.
Sometimes I feel really hopeless and helpless.
Nobody understand my world.
Friends is somehow a superficial word to use.
Of course, I don't care to understand other people's world too.
I don't bother to care so much nowadays.
Who knows how long will I leave?
Maybe this post will be the last.

我真的很努力的在生活，
难道都没人看得到吗？
我好想好想飞，
逃离这个疯狂世界。

Yesterday i went to see chinese sinseh.The sinseh said i am suffering from hormone imbalance. So i went online to check for the causes.
one of the main cause is stress.
Clearly she doesn't know anything about it and it won't make a difference even if she knows about it.
Sometimes i am just wondering why there isn't another one in the family,why am the only one shoulders everything.Life is so tiring,Even breathing seems so hard
When i want to think of something happy yesterday night,it seems i can't.There isn't anything tat makes me happy now.I have lost the ability to be happy.
I am trapped in the depressed emotion again,yet i can't escape coz the reality is so hard and bare.

好多时候，我都在问自己，
我是一个怎样的人。
其实我真的搞不懂。
想做的事情和正在做的事情差好多。
每一天都在为了生活挣扎。
难道我就不能轻松些？

如果我能改变写什么，
我真的希望能让自己有个家，
有个爸爸妈妈的家。
可能就是因为没有一个完整的家，
我才这么缺少安全感，
对世界都不相信。

我也希望自己能名正言顺的懦弱，
不用一直都假装坚强。
最后一次流眼泪，
好像是在巴士车上，
听着寂寞光年的时候。
如果我能让时间到转，
我也不希望自己经历过那么多，
我只希望自己能好好的简单的活一次，
不用在暴风雨里挣扎。

可惜我不能，
人生没有那么多的选择，
人生也没那么重头再来。
错了，还是不开心的，
都没办法改变。
只是勉强的活下去。
我现在的生活只是一种勉强。
关于勉强到什么时候，
我也不知道。

从以前到现在，
我最想得到的礼物，
不过就是幸福。

Rainy days

It's raining again.
Raining days often make people depressed.
Out of a sudden,
I was suddenly reminded that my 21st birthday is coming up in 3 months times.
Then I started to imagine how will I celebrate my birthday.
Will I be happy?
Will I feel lonely?
Will I?
So many question marks in my head.

After graduation, friends start to lose contact.
From friends to Acquaintance, maybe even strangers.
People just come and go.
Perhaps this is life.
You cannot change it,
then you have to get used to it.

Wrong decision

Made a wrong decision.
Now I am suffering from this painful mistake.
I will let it go if I cannot hold on to it anymore.
Hopefully tmr is a better day.

If I can get drunk one day.

I just realized that I am always too timid.
Too timid to do anything.
If I can get drunk one day,
I will definitely speak out all my secrets
and all the hidden message that I want to convey.
It doesn't feel good to keep those things inside for long.

唯一

就算听到唯一，我也没有感觉了。

脾气差的我。

我脾气好差，一点点小事就生气。
好讨厌脾气差的自己，这样下去迟早没朋友。
可是我有控制不住，总不能向不爽也不说吧。

There's unlimited wants.
However, the resouce is scarce.
You will be happier if you don't asked too much.
Another reminder to myself.

F my life

Fuck you!
Sorry I cannot help but being vulgar.
Can you fucking stop talking about money?
Is that all we can talk about?

Why not let me go and become prostitute?
You can get all you want!
I can return u all the debts owing!
No money, no money, forever no money.
How much money do you want?
Fuck.

I seriously hate this home now.
I have no father, no mother.
Fuck my life!

I am a loser.
没亲情，没爱情，好像只剩下友情。

Don't take things for granted

Things are more precious when they are lost.
Most of us just take things for granted.
Family,friends or even the air that we breath.
We never know how important they are until they are gone.
That's human nature.

Sometimes when i gaze at the sky,
sometimes when i stare into space,
sometimes when i flip through my past,
I only realized one thing,
how many good ppl and opportunities i have missed out in my life.

I think i am getting old,tat's why i behave like an elderly,keep on talking about the past.But i am just sentimental.It's a bad habit hard to be changed.

Btw i think today I have just screwed up the test.Gone case.
如果时间能够倒转。

累了。

活的好累，不知道还有没有继续努力的力气。
每一天都好像是生命的最后一天。
好累，好寂寞，为什么在地图上找不到幸福？在厉害演戏，还是骗不了自己。
我可以放弃吗？

Finally

It's like finally that we have booked our tickets for holiday.
The thoughts about going for a holiday together has been emerging since year 1 or 2.
China, Maldive,Korea, Bangkok,Tioman and eventually Phuket.




I am sorry if I have caused some unhappiness.
All I want is for us to go for a holiday together and leave some beautiful memories behind.
I am still positive about going to Thailand though it may be a bit chaotic at the moment.
But I believe that things are going turn out to be fine,
we will have fun over there, is it?
God will bless us and protect us.

Received offer for NTU biz.
Really happy about it since it is the course I wanted.
But I began to worry about the finance part.
How to finance my school fees and living expenses in uni?
Kind of difficult.



A bit pissed off yesterday about some people.
Understood that you are concerned about us,
but please don't be a wet blanket and think that the whole world evovles around you.
Moral of the story,
my character is just too strong.
I cannot click with some people unless for socilizing purpose.






Sometimes I am really happy to have this bunch of friends,
for them to be so accommodating and tolerate my nonsense.
Though sometimes they bully me, they laugh at me, they quarrel with me,
but it adds flavours to life, is it?
Perhaps things will change after graduation.
But in my mind, nothing will change.
I am being sentimental again.

Anyway bless me for upcoming tuesday!
Hopefully I can make it through.

Feel like going to watch mayday's concert.
Anyone interested in going?
Implusive decision again.
I just like make decisions without plan,
let my soul just wonder around freely,
but it seems there are too much restrictions in life.
I am still lost in my world.

最近很爱的一首歌：没那么容易。
可能很多事情都没那么容易吧，容易得到的人就不懂得珍惜。
可能现在的我，没有办法为自己而活，因为有太多负担，没办法做一个完完全全的自己。不过，还是要抱着希望，坚持梦想。总会有那么一天奇迹会出现的。
If you give up hopes,then hope will give u on you too.

Friends

Every thing serves a suppose.
clothes is to keep you covered and warm;
food is to make you stay away from hunger;
It's just so hard to find something that can do everything.
just like it's hard to find friends tat u can do everything together.
unless you photocopy another yourself.
Perhaps i am really too anti social.How i wish to share the same traits as billions people do?
but i am born this way.
who to blame?
time to sleep and say hello to tuesday.

Memories

Yesterday marks an end to Qiang Mai.
Four years has been passed.
People gets older.
But memories will still be there.

I am not going to comment much about the event or my days in TXY.
Life got to move on.
I cannot live in the past forever.
One happy thing about yesterday is I saw Li Teng yesterday.
Actually he looks better in real person.
I never take any photo with him.
Don't want to make myself look like a crazy fan.

Sometimes I really feel inferior about myself,
Coz many of my friends are simply too good.
Aspiring photographers, song writers, journalist,
media personnel,scholars and etc.
It's kind of silly.
They are so good coz they have passion for whatever they are doing,
and they put a lot of efforts in what they do.
Why should I compare myself with other people?
Maybe I will be better after I found something that I truely like.
I will be better without all the burden on my shoulder.

Times to sleep.
Tomorrow is a better day.
Bless me.

迷失

很多时候，都在问自己一个问题，
我真正要的是什么?
找了好久，都找不到答案。
总以为自己很不错，
可是往往不然。
可能这就叫做自我感觉良好吧。

我一直都在想，
活这么大了，
不可能继续下去过一天算一天吧。
现在的我，
看不希望，
也看不到未来。

可能我一直都很讨厌吧，也没什么好的吧。
整个世界都知道，只有我自己不知道。
坚持努力的东西都是错的。
所以我和很多人连朋友都不是。
很想离那个世界靠近一点，
原来真的没办法。
聊天都那么困难了，
何况其他的呢。
如果能够倒带，
那一切会不会不一样呢？
就算不能改变什么，
有个机会把心里的话讲出来也好啊，
可是我连那个机会都没有。

为什么现实与梦想差那么多?
为什么没有一件我想得事情发生呢？
I am ok.
Always ok.

One last time

Perhaps this is my last time to blog in the office.
I guess they somehow blocked personal sites and social networking from today onwards.
No more entertainment for me.
It's better so that I won't be wasting time in doing those things.

Quite happy with the results.
It marks a good ending to my poly life.
Sad to say, time flys.
My 3 years in poly is coming to an end.
This 3 years is definitely a memorable experience.
My lovely poly friends,
my love and hate BA society,
my TDP experience,
my tiring but interesting internship.
Of course, there are some regrets.
About people,about grades, about things.
They make memory more memorable.

Recently I am been thinking a lot.
Maybe there is too much free time at work.
About my past, my present and my future.
I guess people about my age won't be spending so much time reflecting
Rarely anyone will behave in the way I do.

Hope tmr is a better day.

So what

I was very paranoid for the past two days.

There are so much things on my mind.

Uni, finance, my future and etc.

To the extent that I started to lose sleep.

Ignore the reasons which no Uni had called me yet.

Let's talk about the possibilty about me getting into a local U.

Getting into biz is kind of hard since the competition is so strong.

Even if you got into biz, which doesn't mean you will become a good biz man or woman.

So what is the point about getting biz school?

But what if I cannot get into biz?

what other course can I do?

And what if I cannot even get into U?

Am I prepared for the working world?

What makes me special from the others?

Thoughts influx into my mind like an endless river.

At some point of time, I am really lost.

I know that I think so much.

I know that I am making life difficult for myself.
I know many things about myself, yet I cannot change a single bit of them.

Sometimes I am really vulnerable.

原來我也是平凡人.

Where are you now?

Yesterday I had another quarrel with mum.
Perhaps the vast difference in our character is causing the problem.
Or perhaps we are really having serious communication problem.
Unhappiness in a marriage can be resolved by divorce,
but what about unhappiness in a family?
You cannot choose who are your parents,
you also cannot choose which family you are born into.

Somehow I just feel that there is like loads of lead on my shoulder,
it's too heavy for me to take it.
I cried in the middle of a park.
Then I realize that I have nobody to call,
nobody to talk to about all my problems.
In the end, I called my 13years primary school friend,
who is not even in Singapore.

Feel sad for myself.
How come I end up in this state?
Being sad, but have nobody by my side.
It's all my fault.
It's not there is no nice people around me.
There are,just that I let them go away from my life.

I am too scared of opening up myself.
I am too scared of revealing myself.
I am too scared of being hurt.
In the end, I lost too many things.

Somehow I just start to miss a lot of people.
Having them in my life is actually a bliss.
I am just praying for miracles to happen.
For something to brighten up my life.

The song that perfectly describe my mood.
Where are you now by High Honor Society.

Where are you now?
Cause I'm thinking of you
You showed me how,
how to live like I do
If it wasnt for you
I would never be who I am.
And I'll never see those days again
And things will never be that way again
But thats just how it goes,
People change,
But I knowI wont forget you

Hello!The world!

Hello.Attention to the world.
Why is everyone getting invovled in relationship but not me?
I know I am fat, not so pretty, not so gentle, not good at flirting.
But there are people who are worse than me.
AND THEY ARE STILL ATTACHED!
What's the problem with me?
Can someone tell me?


The last relationship I had is when i was Sec 2 (Official data, not include those flings and status unknown).
I have wasted my youth for so many years.
As my age goes up, my net asset value goes down.
OMG.I don't want to end up as a old spinster.
Oh Jesus, find me a good man!

If you are my good friend,
you should have known what to do
and what I want for my birthday!
I will be super glad for your greatness
in saving me from ending up as an old spinster.

If you are feeling lonely,

you can contact me at 99912345.

I will be waiting for you.

Lol.See that's how bored I am at work.

I can wrote out such a toally nonsense post.

Yesterday's swimming class is fun.

Gonna go for swimming classes more often.

I am looking for love,

not so desperate as I mentioned above.

Looking forward to sat's MJ session.

What's wrong with me?

Sometimes I just become bad tempered,
Sometimes I just feel very depressed,
what's the problem with me?
Coz I am ageing?

Was looking at my secondary 1 friends FB.
It's interesting to see how people has changed.
Prettier,more matured and more complicated.
It's weird if they didn't change at all.
Perhaps when they are looking at my life,
they will make the same comment.

Have to book the tickets soon,
if not,then I can forget about going bangkok.
I am so attracted by the thoughts of travelling.
Perhaps I will take a year off travelling around after I paid off my uni debts.
Imaging of a year of freedom and excitment.

I started to feel more and more distant from them.
Perhaps it's my choice.
When I have decided to do that,
I have chosen this path.

I feel quite sad for myself,
Sad for the fact that I have not made any friends in poly.
Friends are people to make you feel good.
But I don't feel good most of the times.
Or rather I feel isolated recently.
Am I just too tired?

This holiday is not as good as the long holiday I had after Os.
Because I was younger then?
Too much expectation is never a good thing.
No expectation,then you won't feel anything..
It seems like I am trying too hard to be happy.
In the end,I tried too hard to pretend that I am happy.

I just want to find another me,
who share the same thoughts as I do.
But hardly there is any me around.
Perhaps all I can do is to pray and wish God can pull me through this phase.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't cha take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't cha love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

I had lunch alone today.
I went to Little India alone yesterday.
I jogged in the stadium alone the day before yesterday.
Nowadays I am doing more and more things alone.
Sounds quite sad,right?
But I guess it's part of growing up.
Being alone doesn't means being lonely.
It's just that you choose to have some time to spend with yourself,
get to know yourself better.
If you are feeling lonely even if you are in a group,
that's even sad.

I start to like suntec area.
It's so convenient and there are a lot of things you can do during lunch time.
Wondering around in Carrefour(Sampling free food),
window shopping at the shops around,
and people watching.
Perhaps that's why many are seduced by the charm of cosmopolitians.

I think I am a selfish person.
All I can think of is my happiness,my freedom,my life.
I never think of the people around me,
for example,my mum.
That's why God decide to punish me for my selfishness,
let me continue to be alone.

Looking forward to July.
My first backpack trip.

Work

It has been a week since I started working again.
Well, when you are free at home,then you want to find something to do.
But when you have something to do,then you feel like slacking at home.
Contradicting.
Though this job is much more relax than my internship,
I still miss my company and especially the people over there.
Another batch of intern is coming in soon.
Maybe they will forget about me soon.

Going to be 21 soon.
Wondering what kind of adult I want to be.
Rich,famous or happy and free?
In order to gain some,then you have to give up some.
Life is about striking a balance.

Not being too religious,
but I think it's good to believe in something.
Thank God for showing me the lights.
Without him,I will still be walking in the dark.

I think I should drop my stupid thoughts.
My one sided wishful thinking is not getting me anywhere.
Time to move on.
Hopefully I can get into NTU and start a fresh school life again.
Perhaps I may meet someone better.

my list of to do

There is 1001 things on my to do list.
1.Apply for SMU.
2.Apply for UPS,OCBC ,SGX ,NTU scholarship.(Lots of eassy to write).
3.Finish writing up my testimonial draft.
4.Celebrate birthday for A.
5.Celebrate birthday for B.
6.Sign up for swimming classes.
7.Go for rebonding.
8.Trying hard to lose weight.
9.Trying hard to earn more money.
10.Trying hard to look nice.

Too much things to do,
not in the mood to do.
It seems like growing up means more and more responsiblity,
thus more trouble and burden.
Why must we grow up?
Can we just be those happy little kids forever?
I am wishing for those happy little things to happen.

Somes I really think I am an alien to this world.
Having problems to mingle into the human world.
It's hard to find another alien in this world.
It's even harder to find another alien that speaks the same language as me.

Perhaps there is no graduatation trip.
Anyway we also cannot settle on a destination.
Good and bad.
At least I don't have to compromise my dreams.

Bless me.

Happy day

Today I had a happy day.
Interviewed for temp job@AIA in the morning,
Though I was rejected,but I did feel sad.
Coz I actually got another job.
3 Months contract with acceptable pay.

Lunched at Ikea alone.
But I don't feel lonely.
Instead I feel kind of cool.
Like I am some freelance writer or designer.

Bought mask and clothes online.
Shopping makes me happy.
Moral of the story,
even if you are ugly,fat,unwanted,
you still can be happy,
as long as you decided to be happy.

Angry

Sometimes U just feel like don't care.
Why should I always be Miss Nice when everyone else is Miss/Mr don't care?
Going for job interview tomorrow.
Hopefully I still have time to drop by changi businee park before going to Jimmy's house.
Bless me.

My not so happy Chinese New Year

I think everyone else's life is more interesting than mine.
Is my luck that bad?

I don't want another year with bad luck.

OMG.Singapore airline is having sales with their tickets.

Why can't they have sales at later part of the year?

For example,july.

By then I can save up enough $$,

and travel to the places I want.

Of course,Chinese new year.

I seriously hate this festival.

I have no relatives no visit.

Spent it like usual in the super boring way.

Sometimes I really wish that I am not a chinese,

so that I don't have to endure this festival.

Well.God of fortune,

please be kind to me since I am so pathetic,ok?

I am still confused.

Though I know that I have no hope.

My heart does not let go so easily.

Have to find a new job soon.

God bless me.