I am still feeling uncertain about school.
How?

morning insights

i guess the reason that i am not happy most of the times is i constantly compare myself to other people.I assume the way that other people live is the formula for successfulness and happiness.Why do I have use a fixed formula to judge life?Everyone is different and we r delighted by different things.What is important is u r happy with ur own life.THERE IS ANOTHER FACT THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT MY LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS.REMINDER FOR THE YEAR:BE HAPPY AND DON'T COMPARE.

My colleagues are talking about their secondary school life.
Somehow it made me miss my secondary life.
It seems that I have missed out quite a lot for secondary school.
All the boy-like girl, girl like boy stuff.
I wish that things can be slightly different.
Or at least I wish that I won't miss out anymore things.

Perhaps my life isn't that bad, it's just how I view it.
I think things will get better soon.
At least I hope.

I want to finish up my story soon,
I want to polish it up.
No matter how tough it is, I will get it published.
I want a book of my own.

It's not getting any better.
Perhaps it's getting worse.
One more week to go back to school.
I have no idea how school will be like this sem.
When I am alone, my thoughts run wild.
I cannot even control my emotions properly.

I feel alone when I was in groups.
I feel even more alone when I was alone.
It mades me feel so helpless when my friends don't seem to care about what is happening to me.
Why should they care?They are just your friends.
Even if you vanish, they still have plenty more friends.

What should I do?
I have no idea what to do and where to seek for help.
When I can be back to the normal me?
I don't know.
Maybe never.

I really hope that I can win this fight.

The appointment is in April coz my case is not that serious.
3 more months to go.
Perhaps by then i don't even need to see a doctor anymore. I will be recovered and be fine again; Or perhaps I don't need to see a doctor coz I won't have the chance to see one.

Actually I was both scared and looking forward to see a doctor.
I was looking forward coz I know it will makes me feel better.
It seems the only way out to help my problem.
My self-mood adjustment can no longer work.
On the other hand, i was scared. I was scared that I am really ill.
Who want to be friends with someone who is ill?

Mum said this,有人就有希望.
But I really don't know how bad my situation will get or how good it will become.
I really wish that I can get ride of this illness and be back to the normal me.
Life was good back then.

Sometimes I forget how great I am

Sometimes I forget how great I am and how wonderful life is.
I have focus too much on the negative points in life,
forgot about all the sparkling moments.
My result is kind of bad, but I am making improvement in my investment skills.
My life is kind of messy, but I realize how great my friends are.
As what mum has said, there is always up and downs in life.
What is imporant is to keep a good attitude.

If you are sick, then see a doctor.
Nothing wrong with seeing a doctor,
even doctors have to see doctor.

Wish me all the best for everything I do.
Life is gonna to be better.

I hate about the life that I am having now.

I really hate the life that I am having now and how I am.
I am overly emotional and bad tempered. I cry every now and then, I keep on throwing temper at my friends.
I have no idea why I am behaving this way but I cannot control myself.
Sometimes I really hate the way that my life is.
It has been so tough all this years.
All I can do is to swallow down the tears and fears silently.
What else can I do?No matter how hard I tried.
My life is back to the same point.

I wish that I could have a family, a family that is always around.
Mum,Dad,Sisters and Brothers.
But What do I have?All I have a mum who is sick all year round.
I know that I shouldn't be complaining, at least I still have a mum who dotes on me.
Because I only have a mum, that's why I have to learn how to be independent.
I don't know how to live when she is not around.
I am so scared of her going away.

All the shadow from the past is hunting me.
It just seems so hard to get out of this.
The wound is hurting even more.
I am scared.
I am scared that it will get more and more serious, until one day that I really lose control of myself.
Perhaps the day is coming soon.
Perhaps it's more of a relief.

I guess my life isn't that bad after all.
Sometimes I really drove myself into the corner without getting any external help.
I am glad that I managed to share my problem with my mum and my friends.
Another thing I have realized is that if people don't bother about you, then there is no point of you bothering so much.All you do is bringing agony for yourself.

This year I have made some plans, I am going to make some changes in my life.
A few things I hope to accompolish by the end of this year:
1. Wonderful Work and travel experience
2.Finish up on the book that I have been working on and try to get it published.
3.Lose weight and take **** photos.
4.Join ODAC subcom and find like minded people to go on a trip to Nepal/Tibet/Northern Thailand/Laos
5.Double the investment amount.
6.Be happy

Perhaps I shouldn't ask too much from my life.
What I should do is to focus on one thing at a time, then slowly conquer other task.
What is imporant is to keep a slow but steady pace.
There is nothing that I cannot accompolish and I know that I am meant for greater things.
I will find my happiness one day.

好像忧郁症越来越严重，有时候真的控制不住自己了。我已经很努力的尝试着让自己开心起来，但是病真的不是我说好就能好的。我不想让其他人担心，我不想让妈妈知道我过的不好。反正我最厉害的就是假装。