Summer Memories

Let me just record down the things that happened this summer in USA.
I met Josh Meyer.
Initially I don't like him coz he looks like a nerd and his jokes are not even funny.
After spending sometimes to know him, I realize that he is nice and he is someone that can make me smile.
We went to ride the extreme ride together and I was really scared.
But because Josh is beside me, I know I am safe.

I am really happy with him around.
Sometimes I even thought of giving up everything and move to the states to be with him.
He only told me that he is going to miss me and nothing else.
I was sad, sad for the fact that it seems to be an one sided thing.

On the last day before I left, I cried in his arm
Coz I know that I may not get to see him again in the near future,
and I know that I am going to miss him.
Before I left, he didn't even give me a goodby hug.
He said that I was nice to everyone, but mean to him.
Perhaps that's his impression of me.

I wish that I didn't fall for him, but someone else like Dimitar instead.

比起其他的背包客前辈，我可能还算是小学生。去过的地方不多，也没有办法象有些人一样，放下一切长期的旅行。表面上以为自己很潇洒，其实旅行越久就越发现自己其实比想象中的脆弱.
有些时候，在路上久了，忍不住会想家，想朋友，想一个稳定的生活。有些时候，真的搞不明白为什么自己会喜欢这种流浪的感觉。可能是喜欢自由，也可能是想要逃避.
这次算是离家比较久的，去了美国打工度假两个多月。虽然去了美国两个月，不过感觉好象去了很久，跟有些朋友的友谊.比在家认识了三四年的多深。同为旅者，大家都比较OPEN吧，比较容易交朋友，比较容易把真心交给人吧.
缘分这个东西很奇妙，你可能跟有些人很有缘，但是却没有机会发展，特别是在旅途上遇到的人.走之前的两个星期，我发现自己喜欢上了一起工作的一个美国人。不过又能怎么样呢？只有两个星期，多两个星期我就得回去我的国家，下次见面的时候也不知道是哪一年。而且我不确定自己是喜欢上这个人，还是喜欢上这种感觉.
他很忙，一个星期工作快９０个小时，连休息的时间都没有了，何况是对一个都不太了解的我。我走之前的每天，几乎他都告诉我I WILL MISS YOU。我不知道他是不是认真的，可能对他来说，这只是一句平常不过的话，不过对我来说我却很认真。走之前的那天，我抱着他哭了,发现自己有多么的不舍得离开。我后悔自己早点做点什么，只是让自己好过点。
来自BULGARIA的好友却说，不要难过，如果有缘分，还是会再见面的.我很相信这句话，这次旅行的时候就在美国见到了两个十年不见的小学同学，也见到了去年旅行时在越南遇到的杭州女生们。只是就算下次我再看到他，感觉还是一样的吗？
我不确定，人生就是太多的不确定。

You need to be stronger.
Life cannot always be smooth sailing, otherwise it won't be fun anymore.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
You got to be yourself,
people likes you for who you are.
If they don't like you, then
they won't like you even if you behave like someone else.

My days in US

I am not complaining, just that I want to voice out my emotions.
For the few days here, sometimes I really feel lonely.
I don't know why is this happening to me,
was I not friendly enough?
Or was I just unlucky?

God, if you are there, if you can hear me,
can you give me the strength to pull this through?
can you give me the assurance that everything will be alright?
I really hope things will get better and better.

It's my 2nd day in the states.
Things are not as good as I expected.
But never mind, i won't give up.
God willl be there with me.
I will face today with a smile.

6 more days left

6 More days to go before I am flying off to the states.
The thoughts about going to the states excites me simply.
Well, perhaps it's more of the charm of NYC.
In the last 22 years of my life, I have been dreaming about going to NYC.
Now I have the chance. Omg.How amazing is that?

Well, after running away from God's arm for so long, I am back to God's arm.
I know that I am still not perfect.
I have done nothing to deserve this chance.
But thank God for giving me another chance and make me start afresh.

3 papers down and 1 more to go.
Honestly, I feel that I am doing much better this semester,excluding my investment.
Haiz.Kind of depressing to talk about those things.
Gonna pack my stuff and settle the rest of the things within the next few days.
I know life is gonna be difficult, but I am assured that it will all turn out well.
Is it?

My biggest wish for now:

1.Find the right one and travel with him around the Asia or even the world.

2.Earn more money to buy a house, provide better living for my mum.

3.Have good friends.

I am still in the midst of my exam, but I am looking at travelling sites and imagine myself wondering around.one more week, then I will be done and off to the states.

Well, I still got a lot of things unprepared. Hope that everything will be alright.
I feel like going to Thailand again, Pai,Mae Hong San and so many places that I want to visit.
I shall go after I come back from the states.

Good luck for my exam tomorrow.
Hope that we will meet in the states.

我想要的

我只是想找那么一个人，
静静的听我说故事，
累了的时候借我肩膀靠一下，
难过得时候告诉他会一直在我身边。
这样的要求高吗？
为什么我一直要找的那个人还不出现呢？

今天帮朋友庆祝生日，她们聊到了刚来新加坡的时候，我也想到我来新加坡的时候。其实很多时候，我挺羡慕那些ＳＭ１／２／３的人。这么多年都能学习在一起，住在一起，玩在一起，真是上天赐来的福分。我没有那样的一群，想想跟自己一起来新加坡的人，也不知道何去何从。

的确这么多年，没有那样的一群人教会了我独立，跟不同的人相处，怎么融入这个社会。但是，都得必有失，失去的也未必多过得到的。旅行的次数比回家的次数更多，对家乡的熟悉度还比不上周围的某些城市。刚来的时候，总是希望自己能快点融入这个世界，交多点本地的朋友。现在的我，倒希望能多交点中国的朋友，找回以前的自己。

时光流逝，很多事情也已根深固定。不是我们想要改变就能改变的。以前有些过去是我们怎么想也回不去的。

Updates

I think things are getting a lot better than what is used to be,
or at least my perspective of things changed drastically.
Nowadays my relationship with my mum improved significantly,
she looks happier than she used to be too.

Well, I am still stuck with poverty.
My stocks are not doing well.
And there is still one important part of my life that is still missing.
Hopefully that missing piece can be filled up soon.
I really hope what I have discussed with mum yesterday can come true:)

I want to be pretty.

I want to be pretty.

I want to be pretty.

Or at least, a bit slimmer.

Life as it is

I went to see psycharist today.
After thinking about it for so long,
I finally decided to go ahead and see one.
Hopefully it will change something.

Had a crazy evening at ADM building with Marine and Li Rui.
It seems uni life is getting more and more wonderful.
The only part that is incomplete is still the same thing.
Perhaps someday it will change.
But when is the day?

Goals for this year:
1.Find my love.
2.Improve on my photography skill.
3.Continue writing
4.Find something that I am really interested in.
5.Travel more

Perhaps i shouldn't be expecting too much from myself.
What do you keep on comparing yourself with others?
At the end of the day, what it matters is how you feel, not how well you do.

Burma VJ

After watching this documentary, I found that my worries are pretty lame. What I am worrying is so small little stuff that is so insignificant as compare to the livehood of a country. This documentary is the best that I have seen so far. It arose my interest to see burma. I will definitely go to Burma one day.

昨天是Comm Fun 的mid term，考完试我就和Xiao Chen, Jing Jing去Jurong Point大吃大喝了。他们四个人要一起去bali,可惜那个时候我要去美国，要不然就能跟他们一起去旅行啦。虽然我喜欢背包，但是偶尔跟朋友出去奢侈享受一下也不错。好久都没有过的这么开心自在啦。 晚上去看了JDC的表演，虽然我觉得他们表演的一般，但是让我下定了要努力学跳舞的决心，我最大的问题就不能专心，把一样东西做好。今年一定要努力改掉这个毛病啊。

要加油啦，不能再这么浪费人生了。人生只有一次啊。

I simply love chilling at the Starbucks, espcially the outlet at Westcoast Plaza. The ambience is simply awesome. I am really glad that my relationship with my mum has improved so drastically. Now we are more like friends who talk about almost everything. She mentioned something that makes me really happy. I wish that it can really come true. Then my 10 years of hardwork will be paid off. Played basketball with Belinda and Hui Yi in SRC. I am totally a noob in playing basketball. It just feels so good to sweat your heart out.

Walked around the school with Cassie last night. For the first time, i know that the school is so big. Finally I have some feeling for the school. I really hope that by the end of my 3 years here, I will feel reluctant to go. I hope that I will miss this place just like how I always miss my other schools. Out of sudden, I feel like writing letter. I feel like writing letters to a lot of people. To those I am sorry for, to those I am grateful for, to those I feel there is a need to write to them. I know it seems kind of stupid. Why can't you just talk to them about it? Perhaps a lot of things are hard to say it out. I think it's time to do something to salvage my friendship with all those people. Or to improve on my relationship with them. I want to watch the red dragon flies. Joy is acting in the movie. But too bad the tickets are sold out at SAM. Have to find alternatives.

整天都在听方炯镔的歌，特别是不必在乎我是谁。
我觉得歌词特别的适合我现在的心情.
我觉得有点累 我想我缺少安慰
我的生活如此乏味 生命象花一样枯萎.

很多时候都在想，为什么自己的生活变成这样。
可能是因为我自己不懂得珍惜以前的生活，
现在变成这样，只能自己怪自己贪心。
一直都要求太多，生命给了自己太多机会。

不懂得珍惜，就变成今天这种局面。
每次都是这样，遇到好人我就不懂得珍惜。
遇到坏人，我就主动去找他们。

迷失，真的很迷失。
不知道未来何去何从。
关于朋友这个问题，
我也是一样的担心。

算了，反正一切冥冥自有安排，
很多东西强求不来的。
就象爱情，能遇到就遇到吧，
遇不到就算了。
人生还是要继续的。

偶尔会想到他，应该不是爱情，
只是一种依靠。
毕竟认识他那么多年，不是说能忘记就忘记的。
就像他也不可能忘记他心里的那个人。
至少很多回忆都是美好的，
虽然我只能算个代替品。

我住的地方离他越来越近，但是距离却越来越远。
慢慢的都淡忘了。
慢慢的都失去了。

可能最好的方法就是放下，放下过去的一切。
总是跟过去做比较有什么好的呢。

I need some guidance.
Can someone show me the light?

Had a good time yesterday with shell. Started going to the archade at this age is seriously funny, but it's really fun. Today I had BBQ at Yu Rong's house. Thank God for me to have such good friends, bringing so much warmth into my life. Applying hall in the process, hopefully everything will go smoothly, so that I will still have a place to stay after I come back from the states. Finally I have figured out why I am not working so hard now, coz I am afraid that I become too good,why created distance from people. I am afraid that I got seduced by all the tempation, then miss out important parts of my life. Perhaps I just need time to reconsider my direction in life. Time to pick up my pen and start writing again:)

Sometimes I just feel so lost.
I have no idea where I am heading to.
人定胜天，但是要是人都不努力，还怎么能胜天。
I just feel like writing,
but nothing sensible comes out.

Stop feeling down.Everything is gonna be alright.
Stop judging yourself.
It's ok to make bad decisions.
Move on.
There is always a tomorrow.
Believe in yourself.
You are good in a lot of things.
Just that you don't know.
It takes time for you to find out.
Life is not easy for a reason.
Live with no regrets.

Finally I am done with my business law assignment.
Despite the fact that every now and then my mood still flucturate,
I tried to make myself happier by thinking about happy things.
Why should I make my own life miserable?

Had a happy trip to Penang and Trang with marine.
Met so many nice people along the way,
the people in Penang who warn us about our bags,
the uncles and aunties in Thailand who worry about our safety,
the family who brought us to dinner and hotel.
So blessed to have met them.

Well,How I wish that I can see him again.
Who ask me not to take initiatives when i am given so many chances?
Never mind, since it's over, there is nothing that I can do.
I should just take it as a lesson learnt.

I guess what I need the most is to adjust my attitude,
appreciate life from a different angle,
then I will be much happier.
Gonna study with Yu Rong tomorrow.
It has been so long since we last studied together.

Though many people are not beside me,
I know they are there for myself.
人真的该知足。
知足者长乐。
I should focus more on my dreams.
Bless me!

How long more are you going to behave like this?

I realized that I have been blaming others for whatever that is happening to me.
I blame my family, my brought up and almost everything else.
Everytime when i look at facebook, I was lost in other people's world.
I wish that I can be them.
I wish that my life can be as happy as them.
I wish for a lot of things.
but I forget who I am.

Everyone has different way of living.
Why do you have to copy other people's model of living?
How long more are you going to engross yourself in self pity?
Nobody owes you anything?
Seriously nobody.
If you don't pull yourself up, there is nobody that can help you.
Start living in doubts and start living.

Where is the one who is full of ambition and vigor?
Where is the one who afraids of nothing?
Where is the Xing Dan that I have known for years?
I guess it's really time for a change.
For a change of attitude.
幸福是要靠自己争取的，你不努力，没有人能帮的了你

Whenever I though that my life is smooth sailing,
unexpected things happens.
Perhaps this is life,
full of uncertainty and surprises.

How long more do I have to be alone?

A lot of times I told myself,
it's ok to be alone.
I am alone, but I am not lonely.
God has prepared the right one for one.
It's just a matter of time.

But a lot of the times I really hate to be alone,
I hate of eating alone, studying alone, walking alone.
How I wish that I can have someone to share everything?
The joy, the pain or even moment of embarassment.

I don't know how long more do I have to be alone.
I don't know how long more I can take this loneliness.
What have I done wrong to deserve all this?
Why cannot I live an easier life?

God, can you show me the light?
Can you lead me to the right one?

Though Yu Rong's comment actually made me feel sad for a while,
I think I am ok with it.
Afterall, my life is simple now,
I am pretty satisfied with it.
Complexity has burnt my life and myself out.
All I need to do is stay focus and move towards the direction that I wanted.

Lesson for today, never take your friends for granted.
And always watch out what you say.
You may not mean those things,
but your words are appeared to be.

Again, I have truly sorry.
I hope it won't ruin our friendship.
You know how important is that.

今天跟穗穗和小琛去跑步啦，跑的我什么烦恼都不见啦。
开心其实很简单，只要不要想那么多，
很多事情都可以让我很开心的。
把过去放下，人生还能重新开始的

Sunday at the park

Spent my wonderful sunday at Chinese Garden with Cassie.
Guitar, Camera and the company of a good friend.
I shouldn't be asking too much from life, right?
Cooked dinner on sunday evening.Though it's not too tasty,but through errors we learnt.

I just realized that I have a cut on my leg:(
Should not force myself to climb up the tree.
Shell's birthday is coming.
I still have no idea what to get.

Continue to keep the faith, soon you will see miracles.

I miss him.
Perhaps coz there isn't too many guys in my life,
or rather there isn't too many guys that I can be so comfortable with,
that's why I will think of him in the middle of the night.
But he will never know.
And I will never say.
Everything will just fade as time passes by.

I have done some sanity test online, in the end I got a score of 125.
I have expected the result to be something like that.
I know deep inside me, I am not right.
Certainly for the past few years, I have been living in denials.
Denials of my problem, denials of the wounds that I have from the past.
All I do is pretend, pretend that time will heal everything, pretend that I will be alright eventually after a while.
But the fact is a wound that is so deep won't get healed by itself.
If you left it untreated, it will only get worse instead of getting better.

I have no idea about how to deal with the problems in my life.
It justs build on.
If you don't get your foundation stablized, then your top won't be stable.
It has been 6 years, yet I cannot get over it.
My mum think I am alright, even I am thinking I am alright sometimes,
but nothing seems to be right.
From the incident, I guess I lost faith in humanity.
I start to shut myself down from the world, I start to build walls.
I was so afraid to get hurt again, I was so afraid to disclose myself to others.

My family, the fact about me not having a father in my grow up process,
definitely affected me to a huge extent.
I am not a mentally healthy person, even I was a kid.
But I don't care and I never really seek help for those problem.
I just let it grow and affect me more and more severely.
Now I have no idea about how to deal with the entire problem.

I need to get out, I need to recover.
All I can hope for it's a miracle.

Somehow I still don't feel happy.
I feel lonely even when i am with people.
I cannot control my thoughts.
I am no longer feeling confident.
Can someone save me from all this?
I don't like me for being this me.
I really want myself to get back on my back again.

Comparison kills.
When you compare with others, you start to focus more on how good they are,
instead of how good you are.
Rememeber, you are good..Much better than a lot others.
Be statisfied with what you have.
Now everything seems to be better,
at least my mood is more stable.
Sometimes I am still alone, but I don't feel that lonely.
I hope this strength can continue be with me for the rest of my life.

I tried to write a fiction,
somehow the content starts to mirror my life.
The wound starts to hurt.
It seems that I still cannot get over of a lot of things.

Where has your smile gone to?

I used to smile a lot when i was younger.
Being friendly to almost everyone.
Slowly anger and fear took me over.
Instead of smiling at everyone, i became hostile.
Instead of being friendly, I start to doubt everyone.
Doubt about their intention, doubt about purpose.
Then I realized I am not that happy.
I know that I have to change,
smile more, things will turn over well as expected.

My not so bad CNY

I used to detest CNY a lot,
due to the fact that I was always lonely on CNY and
also for the fact that grandpa passed away on the first day of CNY.
This year I think my CNY is quite fulfilling, surprisingly i didn't feel as lonely as I expected.

Had dinner with my mum on CNY eve, first time of my life that I didn't celebrate CNY together with her as we used to be. I guess it's just part of the adjustment process that we all need to get use to.
On the first day of CNY,I went for some gathering and get to know some new friends.
Had fun eating and playing.
On the second day of CNY, went to May's house to Bai Nian. It seems time pass faster than I can think of. It has been one year since I left Citi bank.
On the third day of CNY, I celebrated with my dear girls.I cannot say how fortunate I was to have met them.Though certain times we quarrel and we pek chey with one another, it is just normal for a friendship.

It seems that life will be bad if you think life is bad,
but if you think life is wonderful,
then it's gonna be wonderful.
If I don't help myself, there is no other person can help you.
Hope everything is gonna be better this year,
I wish that I can get my thoughts sorted out soon.

Screw myself for being so lazy.
I have no idea why I am not doing any of my home work.
Where has my heart gone to?
Study study study,ok?

Sometimes I think I expected too much.
Too much from a friendship.
People don't owe you anything.
They are not your parents.
It's a plus point if they are nice to you.

Sometimes I am wondering why friends start to drift away after a long time.
I guess the longer you know people, the less effort you put into the friendship.
I know it's a not investment, you cannot expect a certain amount of return base on your effort.
It's funny that when you enjoy the companion of your new friends,
but you cannot feel your own existence with your old friends.

I am still feeling uncertain about school.
How?

morning insights

i guess the reason that i am not happy most of the times is i constantly compare myself to other people.I assume the way that other people live is the formula for successfulness and happiness.Why do I have use a fixed formula to judge life?Everyone is different and we r delighted by different things.What is important is u r happy with ur own life.THERE IS ANOTHER FACT THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT MY LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS.REMINDER FOR THE YEAR:BE HAPPY AND DON'T COMPARE.

My colleagues are talking about their secondary school life.
Somehow it made me miss my secondary life.
It seems that I have missed out quite a lot for secondary school.
All the boy-like girl, girl like boy stuff.
I wish that things can be slightly different.
Or at least I wish that I won't miss out anymore things.

Perhaps my life isn't that bad, it's just how I view it.
I think things will get better soon.
At least I hope.

I want to finish up my story soon,
I want to polish it up.
No matter how tough it is, I will get it published.
I want a book of my own.

It's not getting any better.
Perhaps it's getting worse.
One more week to go back to school.
I have no idea how school will be like this sem.
When I am alone, my thoughts run wild.
I cannot even control my emotions properly.

I feel alone when I was in groups.
I feel even more alone when I was alone.
It mades me feel so helpless when my friends don't seem to care about what is happening to me.
Why should they care?They are just your friends.
Even if you vanish, they still have plenty more friends.

What should I do?
I have no idea what to do and where to seek for help.
When I can be back to the normal me?
I don't know.
Maybe never.

I really hope that I can win this fight.

The appointment is in April coz my case is not that serious.
3 more months to go.
Perhaps by then i don't even need to see a doctor anymore. I will be recovered and be fine again; Or perhaps I don't need to see a doctor coz I won't have the chance to see one.

Actually I was both scared and looking forward to see a doctor.
I was looking forward coz I know it will makes me feel better.
It seems the only way out to help my problem.
My self-mood adjustment can no longer work.
On the other hand, i was scared. I was scared that I am really ill.
Who want to be friends with someone who is ill?

Mum said this,有人就有希望.
But I really don't know how bad my situation will get or how good it will become.
I really wish that I can get ride of this illness and be back to the normal me.
Life was good back then.

Sometimes I forget how great I am

Sometimes I forget how great I am and how wonderful life is.
I have focus too much on the negative points in life,
forgot about all the sparkling moments.
My result is kind of bad, but I am making improvement in my investment skills.
My life is kind of messy, but I realize how great my friends are.
As what mum has said, there is always up and downs in life.
What is imporant is to keep a good attitude.

If you are sick, then see a doctor.
Nothing wrong with seeing a doctor,
even doctors have to see doctor.

Wish me all the best for everything I do.
Life is gonna to be better.

I hate about the life that I am having now.

I really hate the life that I am having now and how I am.
I am overly emotional and bad tempered. I cry every now and then, I keep on throwing temper at my friends.
I have no idea why I am behaving this way but I cannot control myself.
Sometimes I really hate the way that my life is.
It has been so tough all this years.
All I can do is to swallow down the tears and fears silently.
What else can I do?No matter how hard I tried.
My life is back to the same point.

I wish that I could have a family, a family that is always around.
Mum,Dad,Sisters and Brothers.
But What do I have?All I have a mum who is sick all year round.
I know that I shouldn't be complaining, at least I still have a mum who dotes on me.
Because I only have a mum, that's why I have to learn how to be independent.
I don't know how to live when she is not around.
I am so scared of her going away.

All the shadow from the past is hunting me.
It just seems so hard to get out of this.
The wound is hurting even more.
I am scared.
I am scared that it will get more and more serious, until one day that I really lose control of myself.
Perhaps the day is coming soon.
Perhaps it's more of a relief.

I guess my life isn't that bad after all.
Sometimes I really drove myself into the corner without getting any external help.
I am glad that I managed to share my problem with my mum and my friends.
Another thing I have realized is that if people don't bother about you, then there is no point of you bothering so much.All you do is bringing agony for yourself.

This year I have made some plans, I am going to make some changes in my life.
A few things I hope to accompolish by the end of this year:
1. Wonderful Work and travel experience
2.Finish up on the book that I have been working on and try to get it published.
3.Lose weight and take **** photos.
4.Join ODAC subcom and find like minded people to go on a trip to Nepal/Tibet/Northern Thailand/Laos
5.Double the investment amount.
6.Be happy

Perhaps I shouldn't ask too much from my life.
What I should do is to focus on one thing at a time, then slowly conquer other task.
What is imporant is to keep a slow but steady pace.
There is nothing that I cannot accompolish and I know that I am meant for greater things.
I will find my happiness one day.

好像忧郁症越来越严重，有时候真的控制不住自己了。我已经很努力的尝试着让自己开心起来，但是病真的不是我说好就能好的。我不想让其他人担心，我不想让妈妈知道我过的不好。反正我最厉害的就是假装。