今天跟穗穗和小琛去跑步啦，跑的我什么烦恼都不见啦。
开心其实很简单，只要不要想那么多，
很多事情都可以让我很开心的。
把过去放下，人生还能重新开始的

Sunday at the park

Spent my wonderful sunday at Chinese Garden with Cassie.
Guitar, Camera and the company of a good friend.
I shouldn't be asking too much from life, right?
Cooked dinner on sunday evening.Though it's not too tasty,but through errors we learnt.

I just realized that I have a cut on my leg:(
Should not force myself to climb up the tree.
Shell's birthday is coming.
I still have no idea what to get.

Continue to keep the faith, soon you will see miracles.

I miss him.
Perhaps coz there isn't too many guys in my life,
or rather there isn't too many guys that I can be so comfortable with,
that's why I will think of him in the middle of the night.
But he will never know.
And I will never say.
Everything will just fade as time passes by.

I have done some sanity test online, in the end I got a score of 125.
I have expected the result to be something like that.
I know deep inside me, I am not right.
Certainly for the past few years, I have been living in denials.
Denials of my problem, denials of the wounds that I have from the past.
All I do is pretend, pretend that time will heal everything, pretend that I will be alright eventually after a while.
But the fact is a wound that is so deep won't get healed by itself.
If you left it untreated, it will only get worse instead of getting better.

I have no idea about how to deal with the problems in my life.
It justs build on.
If you don't get your foundation stablized, then your top won't be stable.
It has been 6 years, yet I cannot get over it.
My mum think I am alright, even I am thinking I am alright sometimes,
but nothing seems to be right.
From the incident, I guess I lost faith in humanity.
I start to shut myself down from the world, I start to build walls.
I was so afraid to get hurt again, I was so afraid to disclose myself to others.

My family, the fact about me not having a father in my grow up process,
definitely affected me to a huge extent.
I am not a mentally healthy person, even I was a kid.
But I don't care and I never really seek help for those problem.
I just let it grow and affect me more and more severely.
Now I have no idea about how to deal with the entire problem.

I need to get out, I need to recover.
All I can hope for it's a miracle.

Somehow I still don't feel happy.
I feel lonely even when i am with people.
I cannot control my thoughts.
I am no longer feeling confident.
Can someone save me from all this?
I don't like me for being this me.
I really want myself to get back on my back again.

Comparison kills.
When you compare with others, you start to focus more on how good they are,
instead of how good you are.
Rememeber, you are good..Much better than a lot others.
Be statisfied with what you have.
Now everything seems to be better,
at least my mood is more stable.
Sometimes I am still alone, but I don't feel that lonely.
I hope this strength can continue be with me for the rest of my life.

I tried to write a fiction,
somehow the content starts to mirror my life.
The wound starts to hurt.
It seems that I still cannot get over of a lot of things.

Where has your smile gone to?

I used to smile a lot when i was younger.
Being friendly to almost everyone.
Slowly anger and fear took me over.
Instead of smiling at everyone, i became hostile.
Instead of being friendly, I start to doubt everyone.
Doubt about their intention, doubt about purpose.
Then I realized I am not that happy.
I know that I have to change,
smile more, things will turn over well as expected.

My not so bad CNY

I used to detest CNY a lot,
due to the fact that I was always lonely on CNY and
also for the fact that grandpa passed away on the first day of CNY.
This year I think my CNY is quite fulfilling, surprisingly i didn't feel as lonely as I expected.

Had dinner with my mum on CNY eve, first time of my life that I didn't celebrate CNY together with her as we used to be. I guess it's just part of the adjustment process that we all need to get use to.
On the first day of CNY,I went for some gathering and get to know some new friends.
Had fun eating and playing.
On the second day of CNY, went to May's house to Bai Nian. It seems time pass faster than I can think of. It has been one year since I left Citi bank.
On the third day of CNY, I celebrated with my dear girls.I cannot say how fortunate I was to have met them.Though certain times we quarrel and we pek chey with one another, it is just normal for a friendship.

It seems that life will be bad if you think life is bad,
but if you think life is wonderful,
then it's gonna be wonderful.
If I don't help myself, there is no other person can help you.
Hope everything is gonna be better this year,
I wish that I can get my thoughts sorted out soon.

Screw myself for being so lazy.
I have no idea why I am not doing any of my home work.
Where has my heart gone to?
Study study study,ok?

Sometimes I think I expected too much.
Too much from a friendship.
People don't owe you anything.
They are not your parents.
It's a plus point if they are nice to you.

Sometimes I am wondering why friends start to drift away after a long time.
I guess the longer you know people, the less effort you put into the friendship.
I know it's a not investment, you cannot expect a certain amount of return base on your effort.
It's funny that when you enjoy the companion of your new friends,
but you cannot feel your own existence with your old friends.

I am still feeling uncertain about school.
How?

morning insights

i guess the reason that i am not happy most of the times is i constantly compare myself to other people.I assume the way that other people live is the formula for successfulness and happiness.Why do I have use a fixed formula to judge life?Everyone is different and we r delighted by different things.What is important is u r happy with ur own life.THERE IS ANOTHER FACT THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT MY LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS.REMINDER FOR THE YEAR:BE HAPPY AND DON'T COMPARE.

My colleagues are talking about their secondary school life.
Somehow it made me miss my secondary life.
It seems that I have missed out quite a lot for secondary school.
All the boy-like girl, girl like boy stuff.
I wish that things can be slightly different.
Or at least I wish that I won't miss out anymore things.

Perhaps my life isn't that bad, it's just how I view it.
I think things will get better soon.
At least I hope.

I want to finish up my story soon,
I want to polish it up.
No matter how tough it is, I will get it published.
I want a book of my own.

It's not getting any better.
Perhaps it's getting worse.
One more week to go back to school.
I have no idea how school will be like this sem.
When I am alone, my thoughts run wild.
I cannot even control my emotions properly.

I feel alone when I was in groups.
I feel even more alone when I was alone.
It mades me feel so helpless when my friends don't seem to care about what is happening to me.
Why should they care?They are just your friends.
Even if you vanish, they still have plenty more friends.

What should I do?
I have no idea what to do and where to seek for help.
When I can be back to the normal me?
I don't know.
Maybe never.

I really hope that I can win this fight.

The appointment is in April coz my case is not that serious.
3 more months to go.
Perhaps by then i don't even need to see a doctor anymore. I will be recovered and be fine again; Or perhaps I don't need to see a doctor coz I won't have the chance to see one.

Actually I was both scared and looking forward to see a doctor.
I was looking forward coz I know it will makes me feel better.
It seems the only way out to help my problem.
My self-mood adjustment can no longer work.
On the other hand, i was scared. I was scared that I am really ill.
Who want to be friends with someone who is ill?

Mum said this,有人就有希望.
But I really don't know how bad my situation will get or how good it will become.
I really wish that I can get ride of this illness and be back to the normal me.
Life was good back then.

Sometimes I forget how great I am

Sometimes I forget how great I am and how wonderful life is.
I have focus too much on the negative points in life,
forgot about all the sparkling moments.
My result is kind of bad, but I am making improvement in my investment skills.
My life is kind of messy, but I realize how great my friends are.
As what mum has said, there is always up and downs in life.
What is imporant is to keep a good attitude.

If you are sick, then see a doctor.
Nothing wrong with seeing a doctor,
even doctors have to see doctor.

Wish me all the best for everything I do.
Life is gonna to be better.

I hate about the life that I am having now.

I really hate the life that I am having now and how I am.
I am overly emotional and bad tempered. I cry every now and then, I keep on throwing temper at my friends.
I have no idea why I am behaving this way but I cannot control myself.
Sometimes I really hate the way that my life is.
It has been so tough all this years.
All I can do is to swallow down the tears and fears silently.
What else can I do?No matter how hard I tried.
My life is back to the same point.

I wish that I could have a family, a family that is always around.
Mum,Dad,Sisters and Brothers.
But What do I have?All I have a mum who is sick all year round.
I know that I shouldn't be complaining, at least I still have a mum who dotes on me.
Because I only have a mum, that's why I have to learn how to be independent.
I don't know how to live when she is not around.
I am so scared of her going away.

All the shadow from the past is hunting me.
It just seems so hard to get out of this.
The wound is hurting even more.
I am scared.
I am scared that it will get more and more serious, until one day that I really lose control of myself.
Perhaps the day is coming soon.
Perhaps it's more of a relief.

I guess my life isn't that bad after all.
Sometimes I really drove myself into the corner without getting any external help.
I am glad that I managed to share my problem with my mum and my friends.
Another thing I have realized is that if people don't bother about you, then there is no point of you bothering so much.All you do is bringing agony for yourself.

This year I have made some plans, I am going to make some changes in my life.
A few things I hope to accompolish by the end of this year:
1. Wonderful Work and travel experience
2.Finish up on the book that I have been working on and try to get it published.
3.Lose weight and take **** photos.
4.Join ODAC subcom and find like minded people to go on a trip to Nepal/Tibet/Northern Thailand/Laos
5.Double the investment amount.
6.Be happy

Perhaps I shouldn't ask too much from my life.
What I should do is to focus on one thing at a time, then slowly conquer other task.
What is imporant is to keep a slow but steady pace.
There is nothing that I cannot accompolish and I know that I am meant for greater things.
I will find my happiness one day.

好像忧郁症越来越严重，有时候真的控制不住自己了。我已经很努力的尝试着让自己开心起来，但是病真的不是我说好就能好的。我不想让其他人担心，我不想让妈妈知道我过的不好。反正我最厉害的就是假装。

Coincidence

A lot of things happened coincidentally.
Today I saw Anton at a coffeeshop at Tanjong Pagar,
then I saw Vee on the train back to NTU.
Everything is just so coincidental.

I feel so blessed that I actually found a job.
Think about it, my life is so much better than a lot others.
I should really cherish what I have.
Perhaps I am goin to make some major changes in my life next year.
Change for the better.

Life is fair and unfair.
There's no way that you can have everything.
What is most imporant,
be happy with what you have.
Maybe you are just not fated for certain things.

Sometimes my instinct really tell me a lot of things,
but I am just lack of courage.
I am not really sad, but just feel disappointed with myself.
Perhaps things will be a lot more different if I am more brave.
Resolution for next year, be more brave and daring.
Fight for what you want instead of waiting for it to drop from the sky.

My mum is the best woman in the world.
For her, I need to work hard.

waking up refreshed

Sometimes I am depressed,sometimes I found myself to have no reason to be depressed.Life isn't bad on me.At least I still can wake up to see the beautiful sky.Sometimes I choose to take the tougher route instead of relying on people.Maybe I should learn about how to reply on people instead of being too indepedent.Actually there is plenty of beautiful things to look forward to,is it?

Even the strongest person has weakness.
I am not strong.I am just weak.
It just seems so hard to control my emotion.
Once again, I feel so alone.
My tears are coming down when I met my mum yesterday.
I regretted of mychoice of forcing myself to grow up.
I want to have a family, be with friends and behave like a normal kid.
But I have none..
Nothing.
This is bad.I know that I shouldn't be emoing before exams.
I should use the time to study for exam.
But what I can do?I cannot control my feelings.
How to find a way out?

最近真的发现妈妈很疼我，很爱我。我好像因为那件事情一直误会了妈妈，这样真的很不应该。我很高兴我有一个这么看的开妈妈，这么支持我。不管我想做什么，她也不怎么阻止我。我告诉她我以后我以后可能不会找一份安稳的工作，可能也不会结婚，可能会过着居无定处的生活，她什么都没说，只是说只要你开心就好。有几个妈妈能这么多看的开，我想大部分的父母应该都觉得我的想法很荒唐吧。的确我是一个很荒唐的人，很多时候都是靠着冲动来过生活，不切实际。其实我也很想过安稳的生活，但是现实不让我过安稳的生活，那我只好过不一样的生活吧。我也想有个完整的家庭，不用担心钱的问题，有个对我好的男朋友，但是这些对我来说是奢求。我只能用我自己的方式过我的生活。开心不开心都是自己决定的。这个地球少了谁还是一样会转。突然有一个想法，5年以后我想去NEW YORK.工作，在那里住一两年吧。存够钱了就却学摄影。也许一辈子都是这也飘流着。也许一辈子都是这样潇洒的一个人过着。

Perhaps I will be alone for the rest of my life.
That's kind of sad,right?
But that's how life is, right?
We cannot change it, then we got to accept it.

Learn to grow up

My days in uni so far have taught me about how to learn to grow up. It is impossible to be with people all the time,sometimes we have to be alone and we need to get use to being alone.Being alone doesn't mean loneliness,being alone means there is more time for yourself.We spent too much time on others,talking to others,entertaining the others,but have we spent enough time for ourselves?Coz i am free a lot of the times,i start to wonder what do i really want in life.Coz i am not making lots of new FRIENDS,i start to cherish every single friend in my life.Coz people around me talked more than I do,I start to realize the importance of listening. Severally,I feel scared and panick of being alone.what if i am still alone 10 or 20 years down the road?But does it matter(Nothing matters as long as I am happy. Even if nobody treats u,treat urself well.U r the master of ur own life.Thank God for making me realizing all this.I know the journey of life is tough,but I am going to become tougher to withstand all this.

I don't really care about what others are doing.
Notes to myself:Focus on your goal, focus on what you want in life,not what others want from your life

A lot of times I maybe unrealistic about certain things,
But I dont' really care.
We cannot afford to care so much.
Hopefully I can have more concentration in studying.
Good luck for me for my exams.

Learn to cherish

Today I was talking to my mum about how lucky I am,I realized that I am really lucky in a lot of ways.
I was born in a single parent family, but I have a wonderful mum.
My family isn't well off, but luckily I am smart enough not to go for tuition.
I was worrying about my loan, then someone dropped down from the sky to help me.
The bursary amount is just nice, so that I don't need to pay a single cent in cash.

I would say that I am really fortunate.
I guess instead of curse and swear about how unfortunate I am as compare to other people who are better off, I should appreciate how lucky I am.
If I wasn't lucky, I won't be surviving until today.

My life is getting better and better,
I must learn how to cherish it.
If not, nothing is going to last.

Happy friday

Friday have a lot of reasons for us to be happy.
Travelled all the way across the country early in the morning to attend T.Harv Eker's seminar.
Learnt a few things through the seminar.
Hopefully I can apply those things in life.
Most importantly, a good chance to network.

Met Angel and Kuan Huey for lunch.
It feels so wonderful to see them again.
And it reminds me of my internship days.
Back to Citi everything seems different, yet it is the same.
Perhaps the feeling is different. Anyway managed to talk to my eye candy.
Haha.He is still as cute as usual.

Saw Mr Enterprenuer at his fair at Expo.
He may not be very successful now,
But I think he will definitely go far in life.
Gonna learn from him.
Salsa is fun today.
The girls' talk is even better.
It made me look forward to next year:)

I really need to find a job during the holiday.
please give me a full time job,so that I can do things I want.

Gonna find a job during Jan break.
Loathe to take money from my mum when she is so sick and she rarely spend money on herself.
Well..I am 21 years old, going to be 22 next year.
Yet I still cannot provide for myself.
What a shame!
Gonna do something to turn the situation around.
Plus I think I will feel better to be self sufficient.

Life is a succession of lessons

This year I have gone through a lot and I learnt a lot of things.
This year I almost made a huge mistake and luckily God wakes me up.
This year I start to appreciate things which I have missed out previously.
This year I am more and more certain about what I want in life.

I am different, in a lot ways.
I do feel the pressure about conforming to social norms sometimes.
However, if I really do, then I will lose out myself.
I should be more persistent about the way that I want to live my life.
Life is not a copyphoto machine.

Went to Ashley's place on sunday.
Meet a lot of Philipino friends.
I guess that I know more Philipino than PRC now.
What a weird thing!
Perhaps I should be visit Manila sometimes soon>
Manila seems to be an interesting place.

Christmas is coming.
Looking forward to gatherings with my old and new friends.
Will be travelling across the country from friday to sunday.
Somehow it reminds me of my citi days.
Perhaps I should meet them for lunch.

He is cute, isn't he?
God, are you trying to tell me something?

Dislike about the fact that religion is in conflict with friendship.
My beliefs and valued do not change over night.
Anyway Christmas is coming.
I can feel the Christmas amosphere everywhere.
Cannot wait for Christmas to come.
Christmas is the best time of the year.
But before that I need to do well for my exam first.
Gonna study hard and make myself proud.

Marketing is making me to have headache.
Now I really wish tues can be over soon.
Though I don't have much chance to see Mr Potato Chips again.

Salsa lesson is as fun as usual.
More salsa lesson during Jan break.
M is going to move in with me during Jan break.
woohoo..I don't have to stay in hall alone le.
And we can learn salsa together.
Talking to Mr nice made me feel like a kid.
Not exactly a bad feeling..haha..

Mum called me when I was shopping for groceries.
She said why can't you talk to me for a longer time?
I felt bad upon hearing that.
I am nelgecting her.
She is my only kin in this world.
I shall be nicer to my mum from tomorrow onwards.

Another dark phase of my life

I know I am going to another dark phase of my life. I lost my motivation.I feel lost.I doubt about my ability.I don't know who are my friends. And I start to wonder if my life is a real failure.What if this situation continues?i don't know what i will do it. i hope that i can find a way out.i need help.

I need motivation

Sometimes I feel really lost.
Since the start of my uni,
this balance is not properly restored.
Without motivation,
there is nothing I can do.

Should I move back to stay with my mum?
Maybe it's going to make me happier.

Slowly I will find more people with the similiar goals.
Together we will progress.
Together we will learn.

I am wonderful coz of the way I am.

Such time as this

I was at the young woman's conference at botanic garden yesterday.
It made me realized a lot of things.
Just the day before I was submerging myself in self pity,
the next day they are talking about it at the conference.
Well, it's not really like a conference.
It's more like a sharing session.
Totally agreed with the points that Ali Smith mentioned.

A few key take away from the conference:
1.Woman knows woman the best,so never forget about your female friends;
2. Life is a choice.You can either spiral yourself down in self pity,or you can live happily without thinking too much.
3.God has the right one for you.It's just a matter of time.
I guess I am not so against having a religion nowadays,especially after so many changes took place this year.
Without those faith, I may not be able to stand up again.
Or I may have totally lost myself.

I shall focus more on the things I enjoy doing,
Stop wasting time on things that you don't really wish to do.
It's ok not to behave like people around you,
As long as you believe it's the right,then just do it.
And leave the baggage behind.Put the past behind.
Hopefully I can do things according to the list.

Yesterday I had a dream about this friend.
Kind of weird, don't know how he comes into my dream.
Never mind,it's just a dream.

Hope

I decided to delete off the emo post that I posted yesterday.
Afterall, my life isn't that bad.
It gets better and better nowadays.
The only reason is that I don't appreciate what I have.
I always compare myself with other people's life.
Why don't you treasure what you already have?

I always complain about being alone, having no friends.
But the fact is I know that I have friends out there care for me.
Sometimes I just shut my door and refuse to let them come in.
I refuse to accept other people's kindess.
How can you expect people to care about you when you don't even care about yourself?

Actually throughout the years, i have made quite a number of good friends.
My secondary school friends, my poly friends, my attachment friends,my BA society friend, my work friend and many more.
I have met so many awesome and wonderful people.
Yesterday when I was emoing on facebook, Wen who I have met only once when she is in Singapore have encouraged me.
Cassie even came to deliver medicine for me after her work.
What else can I expect?

My life is wonderful now, is it?
I am in the same uni as bestie.
I have the freedom to do whatever I want.
I am doing quite ok in school.
My mum loves me and cares so much for me.

Drop all the negative thoughts and start to live for the present.
You only live once.
Treasure what you have at the moment and have no regrets.

Have I made the wrong choice by moving out and moving into NTU?
I think so.
Personally I don't enjoy staying in hall and going to school.
I made too much comparison about NP and NTU.
I tried so hard to think positively,
but this thing is affecting my mood seriously.
I am kind of depressed lately.

Unlike Hui Hui, who found a way to express out her feelings.
I have no idea who to tell and how to tell people that I am depressed.
Sometimes I really want to cry out loud, but my tears just doesn't come out.
At some point, I thought that my life is improving.
I am in uni, I can afford to pay living expenses myself.
I can afford to go travel.
But it just don't seems to be the case.
I am not any happier. Rather I was happier last time.So much.

Uncertainty creates thrill, but too uncertainty causes fear.
Sometimes I wish that I can settle down, have some stablity in life too.
I hate about moving, not having a house on my own.
Everyone else has a home, but just not me.
I am not different from a 流浪汉.
Will I be living like this for the rest of my life?
I don't dare to think about it. The thoughts about it just made me sad.

Having a family is really great.Dad,mum,sisters, brothers.
Perhaps that's more like a luxury that I can never afford to have.
And you don't have it, you will never have it.
Somethings are just beyond your control.
I tried to minimize the impact about growing up in a single parent family have on me by pretending to be strong and pretending to be happy.
Yet deep inside I know that I cannot.
The contradicting thing is that I am craving for love, yet I am scared of love.
I am so skeptical about love(I am talking about love in general).
What if I will lose it one day?

I don't know how long does it take to come back to my normal mood.
Perhaps there will be miracles.
Perhaps I will be living like this for the rest of my life.
Perhaps there is not much perhaps left.

Believe in myself

I need to believe in myself.
Stop being so fearful.
What is there to fear about?
All good things will come if you believe.

Plans for Jan holiday:
-Conquer Mt Belumut& go for water rafting
-Find a job to fill up my free days
-Take up dance lesson with Marine.
-Catch up with my friends
-Take more photos
-Read up my books

打不败心魔，什么都没办法成功

I really want us to be friends, but cannot we?
Probably I am only a stranger to you.

The social norm

Social norms are the behaviours, beliefs and values that is used in a group.
Though the social norms may not be the correct ones.
People succumb to social norms to fit into the group.
Most of us are  living up to the expectation of other people, not oursevles.

Everyone has been telling me to find a boyfriend.
Li Sze, Yu Lin and even bestie told me so.
Is there a law states that I must find a bf in uni?
Must I get married coz everyone is doing that?

I don't have anything against falling in love or getting married.
Why doesn't want to find a loved one?
But if I really cannot find one, then forget about it.
I still can live a happy life.
I hate to follow the norms.
Can't we live our life with a bit of creativity?
Why must we live with other people's expectation?

Well.I am desperate.
I am desperate for love, friendship and kinship,
those things that sparks up my life.
Bless me.

A lucky day

Today is another lucky day.
Got offered another tuition when I was at Nad's house.
Thank god for answering to my prayers.
Having a source of income makes me feel so much better.

Marketing project meeting is very constructive.
Dinner after project is fun.
I think it really takes time to build a friendship.
Slowly I will find friends in uni.

Notes to myself:

-Treasure the friends you have, they are blessings in disguise.
-Think positively and believe in yourself, you worth more than you know
-Put in more efforts into studying,if you cannot even conquer studying,
what else can you do?-Believe in love,believer in dreams, believe in possibilities 
-Be friends again with Mr X, he can teaches you a lot of important lessons.

Nowdays I love photography more and more.
Photography,writing,travelling,dance,music.

Met my lovely friends for afternoon tea.
I really enjoyed every single moment spent with them.
Well, that's exaggerating.
Sometimes I do feel irritate with them, but I still love them after all.

Met my poly friends.
Have not seen some of them for so long.
But too bad Sly and Hiu Tung are not there.
I really hope that they could be there.

It seems that all the datukers are going for the same trip again.
Woohoo. That will be so fun.
I am so look forward to January break.

Pimple,pimple, go away;
Job,Job, come and stay!

I want to get a job,

then i can visit a skin doctor!

Somethings are just beyond my control.
It just doesn't go the way I want it to be.
Not fated.

Happy day

Monday is a happy,

Tuesday is a happy day.
Mr Patato Chips is super cute.I cannot stop laughing when he behaves like a kid in school.
And now I realized that I am not his only fan.
There is a lot more people who are crazy over him.
Octoberfest is not too bad.
Managed to know a few new friends.
Had fun drinking beer and playing musical chair.
The fact about drinking beer in school is actually quite shoik..haha.

Today is another happy day.
Played badminton and table tennis in SRC.
Got amazed by one of classmate's superb badminton skill.
I guess that he must be a national team player.

And I know tomorrow is going to be another happy day.
Going to meet my lovelies for afternoon tea and my polyfriends for dinner.

I know when I think less, then my days will be happier.
Hope that I can find a job soon.
I really need a job:)

Met up with Li Sze today.
She is getting married and moving in her new house soon.
I felt really happy for her. I can sense her happiness every here and then.
Had a nice lunch followed by a simple afternoon tea.
I love slow pace afternoon, where you don't need to think much.

Yanyu came over to my room last night.
She is so sweet to brought sweets for me.
And I realized that I am not the only person without a complete family.
There is a lot of other people who are the same.
Yet they are much stronger than I am.

I still feel lost.
Sometimes I am very sure about what I want,
But I have no idea about how to achieve those things I want.

勇气

谁能告诉我人要怎样才能有勇气去做我想做的东西？

Thank you,Bestie

I hate to be mushy.
Neither I am someone who likes to express my love and my feelings to others.
But I have to dedicate this post to my bestie, Shell.
Thank you all this friendship and love.
Thank you sharing your happiness with me.
Thank you for making me so homely.
Thank you for everything you have done.

I cannot ask for more.
Perhaps one good friend is more than a world of acquitance.

Where will I be 5 years from now?

where will I will be 5 years from now? Will I be happy for the way my life is?I hope the answer is yesyes 

Actually my day is not that bad.

B&H made me happy.

I am really happy to have them as my friends.

I wish that they could be there forever in my life.

I think my life is lack of passion now.
As what bestie has said, I am feigning happiness sometimes.Well, that's true.I am so scared of failures, which resulted me in not daring to try anything at all.
So what if you have failed?Life is all about failing and getting up.I need to find something that can really make me happy.
I want my youth to be memorable and fulfilling.
I want some sparks in life.

Morning Reflection

I woke up early this morning to do some work.
At the same time, I decide to do some reflection.

Firstly, I think I have should be happy about my life and stop demanding for more.
The problem with me is that I never get satisfied enough for life.
I always crave for more even though I already have a lot in life.
You are in uni now, you have good friends around you,
your mum supports you and you don't have to worry that much anymore.
What else can you ask for?

Secondly,I should motivate myself and be more disciplined.
Stop using social networks.It gets you to no where.
You got to study harder, the subjects you are studying are useful to your future life.
Not everyone have the chance to study in NBS.
Even if you are not studying for your studies,you should be studying for your life.
Read more books, think more and learn more while you have the chance.

Thirdly,find out what you really want.
You need to know what you really want in life.
What kind of friends, what kind of life,what kind of future.
Once you have set your goal, then don't change it.
Don't be affected by the surroundings.You are living for yourself.
Resist all the temptations.Temptations only bring you temporaral happiness, it gets you nowhere.

Done with my reflection for the day.Hopefully it can makes become a better person.
I am really hoping that XXX co can call me up.Please.
With that job,then I can be more balanced in my life.

Datuk Trip

Yeah..Just came back from Datuk trip.
Awesome trip.Met a lot of interesting people.
The presence of shell made me enjoy the trip even more.
First time in uni camps that I felt so comfortable.
I think that's how the real me is like.
I shall be more true to myself in future and hang out with people who are like minded more.

My life is really getting better.
Mum is so nice to me.
She asked to go for facial and be nicer to myself.
I feel bad at times for her treating me so nicely
It seems that I am the selfish devil,
she is the selfless angel.
I think i have made the right decision by moving out.
At leat now I learn how to appreciate life and people in my life.

Woohoo.I am going to New Jersey next year!
Hopefully X co will take me in, then I can go for another backpacking trip in Jan.
P.S:I think I am my focus is really different from typical uni student:)

I THINK MY LIFE IS A TOTAL SCREW UP.

IT WON'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE EVEN IF I SCREW IT UP FURTHER,RIGHT?

SCREW MYSELF.

Somehow I have no idea what is wrong with me.
I cannot get myself out this emotional mood.Despite that I have talked with some of my friends for several times,
I still have doubts about myself, about my ability.

Seriously I have no idea what I am good at and what I really like.
I like a lot of things, it seems that I am not really good at them.
And I feel so lost.
I really cannot sense the happiess within me.
Now I feel so disconnect with people.
what can I do now? can someone teach me?
How to get the old Xing Dan back?

Nobody will know even if I have done something crazy again.
Perhaps it's the only way to get me out of my emotional attachment to that person.
No one get hurts, so why not?
Just let madeness rule the world.

我们总觉得别人的东西都比自己的好。

没有得到的时候，我们总想拥有。

得到的时候，我们却不懂得珍惜。

人就这是这样的一种动物。

犯贱是人的一种本性。

举个例子。好比说A和B给你选择。

A什么都好，你知道和A在一起，以后他会对你很好。

只要你努力一下，A就会把你当作很重要的人。

B什么都不好，B也不属于你一个人，他对你也不够好。

就算你怎么努力，B也不会帮你当作重要的人，因为B已经有很多重要的人了。

给大多数的选择，大家都还是会选择B，多过A。

因为人就是喜欢受苦，觉得得来不易的才是好东西。

还在留恋中。其实B也不是不好，只是他已经有了那个或者很多重要的人了。

也许那真的不是爱，只是难得的遇到了一个很像自己的人。

人生不能总是追求刺激，有时候还是要接受现实。

My

我也要在３０岁之前买一个像the central的Soho那样的房子。
其实就算自己一个人也没有什么。自己一个人也可以过得很开心。
我觉得我现在的生活还不错，
不算太忙，也不算太空闲。
很多属于自己的时间，很多属于自己的空间。
我能做我想做的东西，周围的人也对我很好。
人真的要保持一个平衡的心态，不要一直要求太多。
每个人都有不一样的生活，其他人的生活也不一定适合你。
我相信，我还是很相信。
只要努力，你会得到你想要的东西的。
一定要相信，如果连自己都对自己失去信心了，
那么你凭什么得到你想要的东西呢？

我要好好享受我的人生。

Positive energy

Had a great weekends with bestie.
Your friends can really change your life.
Coz I have a friend who always think positively,
that's why I am having more positive energy now.
And only with more positive energy, then you will be able to succeed in life.

Caught the movie eat,pray,love today.
It's my kind of movie.
Travel,love and self-discovery.
I became clearer about what I want in life.
And I am sure that I will get them, just a matter of time.

1 more week to recess week.
I cannot wait for it to come!
Bless me with all the positive energy!
Let my life be filled with joys:)

I am once again trapped in my own world.
How to get out of this trap?
I need to adjust my mood back, so that I can concentrate on studying.
When is holiday coming?I need to go out and breath some fresh air.
I know that I am running away.
But what else can I do beside running away?
I am really not confident about myself now.
I need to recharge and get back to my old self.
If you have asked me,I will go with you.

I am not confident about myself at all.
Where is my confidence?
How to find my confidence back?
I want to be confident about my life again.

Learning to accept myself

I am learning accept myself completely.
In the past, I always want to become someone else.
Even for the past few days,I tried to act young and think in an immature manner.
Then I realized how pointless it is.
If I really cannot behave like the others, so why bother about it?

I am happily living in my own world.
Well, that doesn't mean I don't go out and socialize.
It only means that accept who you are, then people will accept who you are.
Thank God for having such a supportive mum, who always shows me support in whatever I do.
I doubt most of the parents won't be so supportive as her.
They will prefer their kids to do well in school,have a successful career and go for expensive holidays.
At least for most of the parents in Asia.

Well. Those female hormone inside me is making me going crazy.
I was still hoping to be friends with X.
I also was hoping that Y will come back and show some care and concern about this old friend.
There are people that I want to care about too.
But those are just fat hopes.

Going for social dance tomorrow.
Bless me with good luck.

I have to admit that I am someone who thinks a lot.
Practically I think about everything, life, family,friendship,relationship and even the world around me.
Life would have been so much easier if I don't think so much.
If I don't demand much, I will have found myself a boyfriend easily.
If I don't value friendship so much, I won't feel sad when your friends stop contacting you.
If I just comply with convention,then I won't have so much troubles.

But I just cannot stop myself from thinking and questioning.
I am really curious to know about a lot things, even though the truth maybe hard and cold.
I want to know why some friends stop contacting you all of a sudden,
I want to know what are some guys thinking about,
I want to know why can some woman be loyal to friends.
I want to know a lot more.

Perhaps I should just go and sleep,
let my mind rest in ease, then i will be much happier.

Mid autumn festival

Mid autumn festival is just over.
I had a celebration with Ivy and friends over at the kismis apartment.
It makes me feel good to hang out with those friends though i don't really meet them often.
Surprisingly Ryoko still rememebers me.I only saw her once back in last year's christmas.
Nate is fun to talk to. When he was mentioning about Thailand,I started to miss Thailand again.

Lecturer L is really funny.Though she has to eat lunch with another professor,
she didn't forget about our lunch appointment.
She actually came to tell me about it and about his status..haha..
Hopefully I can become a good friend with the lecturer.She is really nice:)

My neighbour girls are just so funny. They actually gave me a lot of confidence through those jokes they made. It makes me feel like much better about hall life.

I guess my life isn't so bad afterall. I should continue to stay optimistic about it.
Let bygone be bygone.Somethings are meant to be forgotten.

Lost

I feel lost again.
I don't know what I can do and What I am good at.
Before that I was so certain about my goals and my future,
now I start to doubt about my ability to make my dreams come true.

I am not happy.
I have followed my friend's advice about thinking positively
and I tried very hard to get rid of my negative self.
Yet I still cannot feel happy.

I tried my best to remain confidence about myself.
It's just that things are turn out according to myself.
I can take failures, but not multiple failures.
Sometimes I will also question myself about my interest and talents.
The answer that I got in the end is that I am a good at nothing.

Talking about relationship and friendship,
I feel lost again.
Why is it so hard to meet someone nice,
Who can make me feel loved.
Why I am still thinking about some unimportant passerby in life?

Where are the angels?Can someone bring me out of this place and help me to sort out my thoughts?I feel like a lost sheep without any directions.
All I need is some support and guidance.
God bless me.

About school

My life has been so much better this week.
Made a few new friends at the deli appreciation interview though i never got in.
Salsa class is fun though it's very hard.First time in my life going for dance audition.Nervous to the max.
.Had this random yet funny conversation with my marketing lecturer at the mac. I shall not disclosed the content.
My neighbours are nice,my friends are nice,everything seems to become better and better.i shall not ask for more.
Hopefully i can find a job soon,keep my mind occupied.

I still think of him sometimes, how?
Though I know that I am nothing in his life.
But it's just so hard to let go.
Will things become better when I wake up tomorrow morning?

Trying to get myself motivated

I am trying very hard to get myself motivated.
After reading through the first chapter of think and grow rich
my confidence is back again.I guess that i should really think
more positively in order to live a happier life.
Your attitude decides your altitude.
Though i am trying very hard,sometimes i still think of him.
It's just not so easy to forget someone,even if it's someone
not so important.
Please let me meet someone new.so that i can move on.

原来我也害怕寂寞。

I am just feeling insecured all the times.
What can I do?
I have no idea if the situation is going to improve over the next few weeks,months or even years.
I shouldn't be greedy. I already have good friends with me.
What else can I ask for?
I don't know, but I am just feeling uncertained.
God bless me.

有学长说，上大学就是要认真地谈场恋爱，
但是我能吗?
我很努力的忘记，
只是我不经意还是会想起。
可能真的很难喜欢上一个人吧。
喜欢上了就被办法那么快就忘记。
我是女生，可是我真的没办法理解有些女生。
可能我一辈子都是那种神经大条的女生，
没办法很女生的女生。
或者我根本就是个男人，
只是自己不知道。
希望明天会更好。
我真希望能找到真心的朋友

Update about my uni life

I have attended my first lecture in uni.
So far so good, though the pace is a bit fast,
luckily i managed to do some reading before hand.
I still feel lost, uncertain and insecured.
Somehow I just don't know who to hang out with and who are my friends.
Espcially when i am alone, I feel lonely.
Though I am doing the same thing as I used to be when I am at home,
but the feeling is different.
Hopefully I can overcome it soon.
May I find good friends in uni.
May I get rid of this insecured feeling.
May I be happy always.

First week of uni

I had my first week in uni.
Moved into my hall on wed,attend the opening ceremony on friday.Everything seems so new and different.
Talked to a few seniors and friends about uni,yet i still feel so uncertain.
Actually i am quite lucky,i have my best friend same school as me.Then i also know quite a lot of old friends here.What's there to be scare of?i have no idea,perhaps i am not that brave.

I thought that I am fearless, actually I am not.
Staying in the hall alone makes me feel lonely,
going to school makes me feel so uncertain.
I just don't know what to do.
Can I stop feeling this way?
I need encouragement, a lot of them.

I think those people who doesn't know me well will think that I have split personality.
One moment I can be so emotional, the next moment I can be so happy over simple things.
I am learning how to be happy and how to think positively.
Perhaps it will just take time.

I finally met up with Ivy today.
It has been so long since I last met her.Well, our meeting is really infrequent.
Anyway I am so glad that I actually know someone like her, who will expose me to different things and share with me different kind of opinions and advice.
Going to meet some new friends from States/New Zealand/India next week.
Sounds exciting, is it?

Asked Wei about work and travel programme USA.woohoo.
Glad that he hasn't totally forget about me,
and he even said he is willing to offer me high interest loan to go for the trip.
Not sure about how true it is, but I am happy to hear about that.
Even mum is supporting me to apply for work and travel programme USA.
Finally I am one step closer to my dream.
Hawaii,New York,LA and many more places.

Moving to my hall tomorrow.
And I am going to survive on my own.
I don't know if I can cope with everything,
but I am going to face it with a smile.
Wish me luck.

希望有一天

希望有一天，我能变得温柔，不用在坚强。

希望有一天，我能开心的笑，不用什么掩饰。

希望有一天，我能做我想做的事情，

想唱就唱，想写就写，想拍照就拍照，想跳舞就跳舞。

希望有一天，我也能再一次相信爱情，感觉得到那份纯真，

让自己也沉浸在幸福中。

希望有一天，我希望的这一天能到来。

虽然我知道可能不会有那么一天，但是我还是相信着。

做个笨人也有好处，要是什么都看开了，人生还有什么乐趣？

I am writing on my blog again.
Seriously I am feeling very vexed over some issues
and I have no idea who should I talk to.
I think I am the greatest liar in the world.
I am so good in deceiving myself, pretending everything is ok.
But in fact, I know that I am not ok.
I am not hurt, I am just sad.

A memoir for my ridiculous summer.
Me: I think I am falling for you&....
X:I think you think too much.Go uni,study well and have a happy good time.
Me:Well,maybe you are not that great either.I am going to find a good guy in uni.
X:That's why I said you think too much already.Happy searching.
Me:The one who have fallen for you is the backpacker me, not the student me.Thanks for knocking me into consciousness.
X:Luckily she is still young.
Me:what if she is not young?
X: Things may turn out differently.
Me:How different can it be?
X:Nothing.Keep in touch.

A bad and good day

I made the first confession in my life and I got rejected.
I was actually happy that I got rejected, kind of contradicting,right?
Li Tze said my life is very colourful, but it's not filled with all the good colours.
I rather want to have a simpler life instead.

Had a nice day trekking around Singapore with friends.
It's really nice to hang out with nice people.
You just feel so comfortable to be with them.

A good and bad day.
I should quit my habit of trying to be unusual.
Accept the fate.

I decided to take it even though it maybe a conditioner offer.

What else can I do?

My life is contradicting.
Some stranger are offering you to help you when your close friends turned you away.
I don't know if I should accept the offer,
or should I wait for Y to come back.
There is no free lunch in this world.It will definitely come  with a price.
Can I afford to pay?Maybe I can since I have nothing more to lose.

Somehow I have a definition for friendship.
This world is a live stock exchange.

Life is much tougher than I thought it to be.
I am still feeling helpless.
Where are the angels?
Where is my tomorrow?

All I can do now is to beg for help, what else can I do?

The problem is still not solved.
I am only left with two weeks.
Where to find someone to help when your close friend even turned you down.
Perhaps I should just withdraw my uni application.
My problems all start off from money.
Finding a job maybe is more realistic than pursing a degree.
Who else can I turn to?
My mother?
Friends?
Maybe I should just throw away my pride and my dignity and start to beg people to help me.
That's my last resolution.

Goodbye and Hello

Some friends you don't have to meet them very often,
maybe once or twice a year,
yet you can feel the closeness in between.
You just feel so secure and comfortable to be with them.
They give you support and guidance when you are in need.
They don't scold you even if you are wrong.
It's like family.
I was really blessed to have found friends like this.

I think I am lucky.
The reason that most of the times I don't think I am lucky is that I was overshadowed by my dark side. Then I lost my directions in life.
Someone has told me,
you got to let new things to come in and move on in life.
Think about your future plans and think about other important things in life.
Why bother about unnecessary things?




After thinking through it throughoutly, I decided to say goodbye to it.
It's not worthwhile to catch a fire just coz I want to see the brightness of a sparkle.
Goodbye my past, hello my new life.
I am moving on, laying down plans for my uni and my life.

My short term goals:
1.Become a property agent and maintain a decent earning per month.
2.Become friendlier and more optimistic about life.
3.Double my investment within a year.
4. Cycling around TW and join work and travel programme to US next year
5.Study smart and got a decent grade.
6.Enjoy my life, doing things that I like to do.
Most importantly, maintain good relationship with my friends and family.

God Bless Me.Everyday is getting better.

Straightened out my thoughts

I have straightened out my thoughts.
Now I feel so relieved.
Thank god for everything.
All the advice and HTHT with my close friends.
I managed to eat the Mexican food that we used to have at CBP today.
And I finally met up with Jacinth and Celeste.
So much things to look forward to.
Wavehouse, ice skating and many more.
Life is more spendid than I thought.

I cannot let my mind rest, even for a single minute.
Everytime I let it rest, then it starts to wonder off.
I think I can never meet anyone good in this life.
Fairy tales can never happen to me.
I must have done a lot of astrocious crimes in my past life,
that's why I am meant to be suffering in this life.

给我一个快乐的理由

我真很不开心，
很多事情我想做，但是我却没办法做。
我不能，我的理智告诉我我不能。
就算做了也没有好结果。
可是我有控制不了我自己，总是想太多。
女人都是这样，一个字，贱。

家里还是一样多的问题，
经济问题，健康问题。问题总是解决不完。
就算我逃避了半个月，事情也没有好转。
前途也很渺茫，我也不知道自己会不会达成自己的愿望。
关于朋友这个问题，也变得越来越复杂，
不是你对别人好，人家就对你好的。
很多事情都是靠缘分。

为什么大人的生活就越来越复杂？
我可不可以不要长大？
难度我都找不到快乐的理由？

I don't know what I am doing,
but I cannot control myself.
Stop thinking about it.
Please..You need to be awake from the dreams.

Random thoughts

I have been travelling for the past 13days.
It's not a long time, but there is a lot of stories.
Currently I am at Mui Ne, a fishing village not far away from Saigon.
I am so blessed that I actually met some Chinese girls on the bus to Mui Ne.
Had been hanging out with them for the past two days, they are really outgoing and friendly.My stay at Mui Ne won't be so fun without them.

I have been meeting old and new friends along the way.
Yong Gao at Bangkok to Siam Reap,
Fiona and David at Siam Reap,
Jamin and friends at Siam Reap,
Paul,Celeste and Lauren at Nomads at Phnom Penh,
Jing Yi and Edward at HCMC,
and Cao Jie and friends at Mui Ne.
Without them, my journey won't be so fun and safe.

It feels good to be away from all the worries, problems and shackles of life.
When I am on the road,I can be totally free and do things of my wish.
But I know when I am back to Singapore,
I have to be back to my normal life and
start to worry about finance, university,friends and love.
Afterall. I still have to live in reality.
Dreams cannot last forever.

After seeing all the poverty and sadness in life,
I think I am rather fortunate.
I shall begin a new chapter when I am back to Singapore.
No more reluctance about the past.
No matter how tough my future is going to be,
I will smile to the end.
Bless me.

It seems it's not that easy to let go and totally ignore it.
Wrong timing,wrong place and wrong person.It's just so wrong to be right.
It's ok.I am going to forget it soon.I am going to find someone in uni.There's plenty of good ones in uni,isn't it.
Off to Mui Ne to enjoy the breeze of the sea

昨天看报纸的时候，看到了一篇文章，关于男人和女人的。作者说很多结了婚的男人跟老婆的关系都像兄妹，虽然没有了爱情，但是却少不了对方。原来结婚以后的人的关系是这样的，怪不得这么多人想要结婚，想要多个亲人。
可能没有什么背叛不背叛的，只是对不一样的人有不同的感情,有时候是精神上的满足，有时候是身体上的。有些时候，我都不知道自己做的东西对不对，很多东西都是一时冲动，一时好奇，可能我真的该安份一点，不要有那么多的想法。想的越多，对自己越不利。
可能我真的是个怪人，才会有这么多的怪想法。有些事情，不是你想改变就能改变的。
心里的想法太多，有点想要暴炸的感觉。谁能解救我呢？
Though i have talked to someone about it,i am still thinking about it.No.That's not the way the game is played.Please don't let me fall into the trap.God bless me.

Sometimes travelling alone can be really lonely,especially seeing all the couples beside me.
I am not as strong as i thought to be.Sometimes i am vulnerable too
在这个城市发生的事情就留在这个城市吧，有些东西不需要带走。

有时候野性跟理智斗争，理智都输了。明知道这样不对，明知道这游戏很危险，却很难控制了自己。
i am crazy.

Even if you have read about what I wrote, don't ask me why.
I will explain to you if I feel like to.
Anyway a lot of things happened this few days,
disturbed my emotional balance,
so that's why i am writing weird stuff again.
I am leaving Bangkok soon.
All this memories will be left behind in Bangkok.

Something weird happened.
While, I always knew that it will happen.
But when it really does,
I don't know how to react to it.
I am really good enough to handle this kind of situation.
Can I remain cool about it?
I seriously have no idea.
But I know that I cannot afford to play this game.
I shall quit this game soon.

Prelude of my trip

Today marks the beginning of my 15days adventure.
I know that many have done similiar things before,
however it is quite significant to me.
It marks another different stage of my life.

I have slept at Changi Airport for 3 hours in order to catch the early flight.
Since I have going on super tight budget, I have to save every single cent,including taxi fare.
Hopefully I won't overspend,
hopefully the journey is safe and I won't get lost.
hopefully I will meet nice people along the way,
hopefully I will have lots of fun on the road!
Woohoo.Leaving Singapore in 1 hour times.
Get ready to say hello to Bangkok.

Finally I can call myself a backpacker!